Aunt Evolity Unleashed!

Karma

2012-01-14T20:40:00.000-08:00

I was cleaning the kitchen this morning and came across the Squirrel-Skin Cap that Jim had bought for Jerry years ago at Dirk's Diner. Jerry wore it maybe twice and then tossed it aside. As with most things, it's more about talking his parents into buying it than it is actually having it.

I was cleaning days later and found that Squirrel Skin Cap under the couch and looked for a simple place to set it until I was done sweeping. It ended up on Beethoven's head for the entire winter. Since then, it has become a tradition in our house that Beethoven wear his Squirrel Skin Cap until spring comes along. Then he just wears his Party Leigh.

I can't believe I had forgotten to put his hat on this winter! But that has now been rectified and Karma is now restored.

Motivation

2011-10-28T10:08:00.000-07:00

Every now and again I look on the Coldwell Banker web site and take home tours of new listings.
Of course, I don't look at the $150,000 listings. That would just be a waste of my time.

But last night, I actually found one that motivated me enough to fill out the pre-approval application through my Credit Union just to see what they had to say.

Well, I am guessing I ought to be saving a lot more money and wait patiently, because in doing my research, I not only need a 5% down payment, but also $2000 in closing costs, $2000 to pre-pay taxes, and of course, enough to hire Two Men and a Dumpster!

So, I'll be adding to my Christmas Club as often as possible, and continually rolling that over so that I can build up savings without the temptation to touch it.

I have also found that I am completely off the radar. I have a credit score of Zero. I don't buy anything unless I can pay cash. I don't have a car payment. Paid cash for my appliances.... So I need to start obtaining documentation that I pay my bills on time.

Crazy thing is, there is nothing that I need or want to purchase right now that would help me build a credit score. Nothing. I'm simple folk. I don't want for much.

But it would be nice to buy my own home while Jerry is still young enough to have the luxury of having a home of our own to grow up in.

The thought of a 30 year loan is a bit frightening as well. Kripes! I'll be almost 80 by the time it's paid off - if I live that long!

The Realtor was a real snot about it though! I wanted to look at a house that is assessed at $105,000 but is selling as a HUD house for $25,000. IDEAL!!!!!! It had gorgeous built-in features, but the kitchen and bathroom look like they need to be completely gutted and re-done. That doesn't scare me if it is my own home (No way in hell I am doing that here in THIS house, cuz although it does need to be done, it's NOT MY HOUSE!!!). But I asked the Realtor if I could see the place today and she said "All bids have to be in by midnight tonight. Are you prepared to make a bid on this place? Because if not, I don't have time to show it to you." NICE!!!! And then after being such a bitch, because I contacted her via E-mail, now I'm getting E-mails from her about other listings that are way out of my price range. Lovely!

But, even though this whole ordeal leaves me feeling a bit disappointed, it DOES motivate me to purge stuff around here. I'm not taking it all with me when I go! 5 bags and counting! Now THAT is motivation!

Drama

2011-10-22T06:29:00.000-07:00

I have learned that life throws you enough things to deal with. There is no need to pretend that life has thrown you a new very complicated situation to deal with. In most cases, said Drama is something that could be completely avoided if you simply do not allow others to treat you with disrespect, dumping their garbage onto you.

I get so tired of reading or hearing about people crying over problems that have such obvious solutions. Some people you just can't change. Some people you just can't fix. No matter how intertwined their lives may seem to be with yours, you DO have the option to say "I'm done. You are too mentally ill to be in my life. I already have too much to handle without your drama. When you grow up in about 10 years, give me a call."

And people who blame all of their problems on someone else - now THAT REALLY bugs the crap out of me. It makes that person appear helpless and stupid and it angers me because I KNOW that person CAN'T be that helpless and stupid! So why play the part of the victim?

I am often surrounded by people who just can't seem to get on the right road in life. I love them, but I am finding more and more that I just need to put some distance between myself and them for the sake of my own sanity. I don't need the drama, and I know they wouldn't take my advice any way. So why bother?

Life is too short to deal with all of these fools. I want to enjoy the time I have on earth. I want to share good times with my loved ones. I want to move forward and be happy. Why can't everybody share that common goal?

Occupy Facebook is more like it.....

2011-10-19T18:22:00.000-07:00

I'm growing very tired of this Occupy Wall Street stuff.
Although there is some merit to the things people are protesting, I feel they are protesting the wrong branch. They ought to be protesting congress. Protesting the Presidential Cabinet. Protesting Local Government for mishandling funds and making it more difficult for the little man to survive.

HOWEVER.... most of the people I see protesting on facebook can't even articulate what it is that has them so angry. They want everybody to jump on their Happy Bus, but they can't give me any real reasons to do so! If you can't explain it, then you're just a sheep in my opinion. And instead of debating me, they just get angry and say I'm part of the problem. No, I am not part of the problem. I have a skilled job and I am able to feed my family and keep a roof over our heads and still have a little left over to put into savings.

And I think most of them are really just angry at themselves because they have spent the last 10 years just coasting instead of actually preparing for a future. And now that the enconomy has tightened its belt, their free ride is over, and they are terrified. They don't want to own up to their own laziness, so they are pointing fingers at Wall Street.

I say this without fear of criticism because I am able to defend my stance. I started with nothing. Hell, I started with LESS than Nothing! I was a single mother at age 20 with zero skills and a high school diploma. I knew I had to figure out how to survive in this world, so I got busy. I gained skills, I got an education, and I looked for jobs that I would enjoy and surrounded myself with wonderful people throughout all of my working life. I never let anyone tell me I couldn't learn how to do something. And if they did, I proved them wrong!

Somehow I was raised to have a Can-Do attitude that has lead me in many exciting directions. I have been the Lead Singer in a Band, a Waitress, A Secretary, A Store Manager, An Artist, A Machine Repair Representative, a Salesperson, A Receptionist, A Motivational Speaker, An Events Planner, a Care Giver, A Furniture Re-finisher, A Jewelry Maker, A Quilter, A Custom Picture Framer, A Tiler, A Decorator, a Computer Specialist, a Resume Critic.... the list goes on and on. I love that I am so packed with diversity and am able to apply all of those skills to whatever I do and impress any employer I have ever had. And it all starts with attitude. Not once did I give up. I keep moving forward. And I am STILL moving forward. I am on the look-out for the prefect job. When I find it, I will jump into yet another challenging career. And, no, I don't expect to get rich. I still haven't found that Holy Shit Idea just yet.... but I am on the verge of finding it.

I can debate you because I have always been the bread winner in my family. I didn't wait for a man to come save me. I married for love because I knew I had what it takes to survive without a rich man supporting me. And we endured many pit-falls along the way as well as family crises, and we kept on going. And now that I'm a widow, I STILL keep going. I haven't given up. I still have a life to live and a child to support both financially and emotionally, and I want him to be a survivor as well. Like a Phoenyx, we will always rise up through the ashes because we have a lot of fight inside of us and no one is going to keep us down. We don't need to surround ourselves with a bunch of protestors to do so. We don't have to do it loudly or in a flashy manner. That's not God's plan any way.

So if you don't like the way your life is right now, change your attitude. Be grateful for what you have, and if you want something, take steps to aim toward it and don't give up!

If you want to cry about how crappy your life is, you will always find some loser who will listen and sob right beside you. But if you want someone to cheer as you get up off your lazy ass and make something out of yourself, then I'm there!!!!!!

Yes, He is definitely my son!

2011-10-18T16:00:00.000-07:00

I'm on the bus this morning going to work. There is a regular passenger who has quite a speech impediment. Today, she had a very elderly gentleman with her and they were holding a conversation that nobody else on the bus could understand. But the elderly fella was so animated in his conversation that I couldn't help but think of Christopher Walken.

I sent my #1 son a text saying : "Hey! I think Christopher Walken's Father is on the bus with me! I can't stop laughing as I listen to him talk!"

#1 son sent me a response later in the day: "Did he walk like he had a Gold Watch up his butt?"

I couldn't stop laughing! I love you, Andy!

A Sweetest Day Sentiment

2011-10-15T20:17:00.000-07:00

For those of you sitting home alone feeling sorry for yourselves, here is an E-card that pretty much sums it up....
Not that I am actually doing that. Hell, I'm sassy enough these days!

But I am in the process of coming up with my own collection of sassy Refrigerator Magnets that I plan to print up and start selling one of these days. I'm having a lot of fun with it.

And if it takes off, I may just start selling them on Etsy or Zazzle as well! Magnets are easy to mail and cost next to nothing to ship! It's a win-win for everyone!

20 Questions.... or more!

2011-08-29T19:04:00.000-07:00

So this 20 questions game on Facebook is quite fun - especially if you answer YES to all the questions! Why, just the other day, it asked if I thought my brother ought to come out of the closet! Ha ha ha!
But in looking at the answers some have given regarding me, well, some are quite incorrect!

Do you think that Brenda cried while watching the Titanic? Someone said yes. Truth be told, I have never actually sat through this excruciatingly long movie!
Do you want to poke Brenda ? Someone said no. Wah!
Do you think that Brenda has bad breath? Someone said no. Well, unless you consider coffee breath to be bad....
Would you lend Brenda $100? Someone said no. NO!?!?! Well, I don't need your stinking money anyway! LOL!
Do you think that Brenda has ever had a crush on you? Someone said no. Yeah, you're probably right about that.
Do you think Brenda secretly likes to dance in front of a mirror? Someone said no, but someone else said yes.
Sweet Baby Jesus! If I actually saw how dorkey I look dancing, I would NEVER dance!
Do you think that Brenda has a bad haircut? Some one said no. Damn skippy, Baby! I'm keeping my hair just the way it is!
Do you think that Brenda would bail you out of jail? Someone said no. Who said that? It depends on what you were arrested for, really!
Do you think that Brenda would ever do community service voluntarily? Someone said yes. Indeed I have and likely will again!
Do you think that Brenda has ever used steroids? no. What a stupid question!
Would Brenda ever dress up in a mascot outfit and run around? yes. Well, only if the head wasn't smelly.
Is Brenda smarter than Oprah? Someone said yes. Oh God! I WISH! If I were, I'd have her millions!
Do you think that Brenda swears like a sailor? Someone said yes. Fuck yeah, I do!
Do you think Brenda was a Dork in high school? Someone said no. Sure. That's cuz you were probably an even bigger dork than I was!
Do you think that Brenda is materialistic? Someone answered no. Unless it's something shiny!
Do you think that Brenda has ever skinny dipped? Someone said no. Wrong! I was once young and cute and without my suit! LOL!
Do you think that Brenda has ever gone to a strip club? Someone said yes. Was that you, Sandy? Ha ha ha!
Do you think that Brenda is cuter than Brad Pitt? Someone said no. Well, do they mean YOUNG Brad Pitt or OLD Brad Pitt?
Do you think that Brenda is a good friend? Well, someone said yes. So hopefully I'm doing something right!
Do you think that Brenda has good credit? Someone said yes. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
Do you think that Brenda is a good driver? Someone said yes. They've obviously never ridden with me! Ha!
Do you think that Brenda is lazy? Someone said no. I think I'll respond to that tomorrow....
Do you think that Brenda has ever pranked call someone? Well, someone knows the answer to that is HELL YES!
Do you think that Brenda has a deep dark secret? Someone said yes.Doesn't everybody?
Do you think that Brenda should do laundry more often? Someone has obviously never been in my basement!
Do you think that Brenda is a pervert? Someone said no. LOL!
Do you think that Brenda is hot? Somebody said yes. Huggles to you!
Does Brenda sing in the shower? Someone said no. You shower alone now, pal!
Do you think that Brenda has ever gone hunting? Someone said NO and someone said YES. Does Bargain Hunting count?
Do you think that Brenda is cute? Lori B said yes
Do you think that Brenda would secretly fart in public? Mara W. said YES. She's never gone shopping with me! Is she psychic
Would Brenda make a good spouse? Someone said YES. So how YOU doin'?
Do you think that Brenda has ever played strip poker? Mara W. said no. Oh, Mara! I've played all kinds of poker in my life
Do you think that Brenda knows what a fist pound is? Bob K. said no. Bob, Bob! I'm one hip mamma!
Do you think that Brenda would turn you in to the FBI if they asked? Alex M said yes. Alex, WHAT are you DOING?
Do you think that Brenda is a freak? Someone said no. In the words of Rick James..... I'm a Superfreak! Superfreak! I'm super Freakeh!
Do you think that Brenda would go bungee jumping? Karen B. said yes. Hang Gliding, YES! Bungee Jumping? No.
Do you think that Brenda likes chick flicks? If John Cusack is in them, I'm there!
And last but not least....Do you think that Brenda is a virgin? Someone said yes. Well, if it grows back......

Well, THAT is crossed off my list!

2011-08-27T11:52:00.001-07:00

We finished up on the school shopping this morning.

I know I'm not alone in cutting corners this year. Many moms that I have talked to are doing the same. Our kids don't use up half the stuff on those lists. At the end of school last year, I threw everything the child brought home into a box. Most of it still brand new, and on this years list. So That old stuff went into his backpack and was crossed off the list. And STILL it cost us $60 to buy all the remaining crap! AMAZING! They think we're made of money or something! We are in a recession, people!

And I asked The Child to try on his Gym Shoes from last year. He said it didn't matter if they fit or not because he never wears them anyway. So WHY spend an additional $30? I just got his a good pair of street shoes for the year. He's fine with that. I have the coolest kid on earth!

And the money we saved, allowed us to spend $8 on Lego for him! Score!

Bad Timing

2011-08-25T05:02:00.000-07:00

I picked a bad time to go off my meds.
I've worked with Candy for 4 years now, and we've become good friends. On Tuesday, she announced that she is going to be a stay at home mom. With so many changes going on at work, this shouldn't be such a surprise. She has been hinting at it for some time. But it's gonna suck! Well, not for her. For us. It's depressing!

Let it Rain

2011-08-20T09:32:00.000-07:00

I've been weening myself off of my Anti-anxiety meds... against doctor's wishes..... and it got to a point where the dose was so low, it didn't matter, so last Sunday, I stopped taking them altogether. So I've been feeling the effects of withdrawal, and I am also FEELING EVERYTHING! This is a double-edged sword. I had thought "Life is slowing down right now, and Drama is at it's minimum right now, so I'm just gonna jump in and quit the meds."

Yeah. And then one of my favorite patients passes away on Thursday, and I turn into a weeping mess! And today, I'm cleaning the house because I have a babysitter coming. And I know that last weekend, I was digging through some boxes and I asked myself "Why am I keeping this stuff? I need to PURGE!" Sure. Then I start purging today, and I run into Jim's discharge papers from St Lukes, and I'm a complete WRECK! Damn it! Running across this stuff brings me right back to that very day and how I felt with all of my fears and pain. St Luke's was the eye of the storm for me. When everything came to a head and started spinning faster and faster. It was like being trapped inside the worst horror story ever without the opportunity to write a different ending.

So I had an hour long cry this morning. I stood there hugging Jim's sweaters and crying so hard I was trembling. God I miss him!!!! And you know what? I'm not ready to throw out his things, no matter how ratty and musty they're getting.

And then on the other side of the coin, I'm thinking "How the hell are we supposed to move out of this crappy old house if I can't throw this stuff away?" Argh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My Darling Jerry has been such a love this week. I came home Thursday and told him I was sad because I lost a wonderful patient. And he said "You can sit on the couch and hug me while you cry if you want, Mom. You're not alone." What a doll he is!!!! I couldn't ask for a more precious son to raise!

My Bro-in-law's band is playing in Eureka tonight. He is also celebrating his 40th birthday tonight (Monday is his Birthday). I'll be surrounded by loved ones, and it's sure to be a fun night. No Drama. No issues. Just good music and good people!

Second Annual

2011-08-07T15:54:00.000-07:00

They say all things happen for a reason. I guess the Copperleaf lost my reservations for a reason. The reason being that we needed to see the difference between The Copperleaf and The Paper Valley for ourselves. HUGE difference!

The Copperleaf wins hands down for personality, comfort and customer service. The Paper Valley is so impersonal, and their walls are so thin, I thought I would go mad from all the maid carts rolling around in the halls!

Things The Paper Valley offers that I really liked were the free internet kiosks in the lobby, and their bathroom layout is much nicer with more towels and their fridge is bigger.

The Copperleaf wins in every other category. Better maintained elevators, much cleaner hotel, more curteous and attentive staff, semi-private spa-pool, a livingroom with a pull-out couch/bed that is adjoining the bedroom. Free breakfast (we paid $18 for a Paper Valley brunch that left me with food poisoning!), Free Gourmet Coffee, more comfortable beds, and more water pressure in the shower (very important to me!).

Next year, I am going to make reservations 3 months in advance, and I am going to call them every other week to be sure they have kept that reservation!

As for entertainment, we started out at Good Company for dinner Friday night, which is always yummy. Although Bonnie had an "Episode" there that still concerns me. I think the gal really needed this down time!

Barb and I walked down College Ave for a bit while we let Bonnie get a good nap in. We found a place called Mill Creek that boasted "5 Decades of Music Videos". We were the only ones there, and the bar tender makes a very good drink. She told us to come back when it is more crowded and louder. We assured her that we would!

Then, we went and joined our Aunt Shirley at BJ Clancy's for Karaoke. I was dubious at first. There was an awful lot of country music fans and elderly folks mixed in with a few younger folks. They twisted my arm and got me up to sing a few songs, which was fun.

Bonnie and I were joking about how we would be sharing a bed like we did as children, when a nice looking guy in his mid 30's got up and sang "I'll Be". I asked Bonnie if he could come back to our room and sing that to me all night. And then I said "Hey! We could make a Sister Sandwich!" which lead to many many more sandwich jokes throughout the weekend.

Bonnie and I drank a shot of Bailey's in honour of our Mommy. 25 years have passed, and she is still in our hearts and in our minds.

After we left Karaoke, we walked back down to Mill Creek. Holy CRAP! What a transformation! The place was just THUMPING! Everybody was dancing and singing at the top of their lungs and having a great time! We joined right in and had a blast!

We were back to our room by 1AM, and in the hot tub by 1:30. Only trouble with that was that the hot tub was VERY hot, which heated up my own core temp, and brought on a night long hot flash, so I didn't sleep very well.

On Saturday, after breakfast at Perkins (We couldn't get it together in time to do the free breakfast down stairs by 10AM) Bonnie had to head back to Oshkosh for the afternoon to handle an obligation regarding son Jeremy.

We booked a suite at the Paper Valley since The Copperleaf didn't have and rooms available for Saturday. The main problem with that was we had to wait 3 hours for check-in time. Barb and I wandered up and down College Avenue, enjoying The Farmer's Market, and exploring the stores and museums. It would have been more fun if we weren't both dying for a nap!!!

We checked in to The Paper Valley and tried to take a nap, but there was so darned much noise going on, I only got about 15 minutes.

Bonnie returned at about 4:30, and we brought all of our belongings up stairs to our room. She needed to unwind a bit, and then we went to KFC for dinner. I know many of my readers are saying "Really? KFC?" Well, we don't have a KFC in Oshkosh, so this was a real treat for us!

From there, we went to Walmart for yummys. By the time we came out, the sky was angry and dark. We got to the Paper Valley Parking structure just in time before it started pouring. The perfect atmosphere to try to take a REAL nap! So we all crashed out for an hour as it rained cats and dogs.

By the time we were ready to hit the pubs, the rain was ending. We started off at the Durty Leprechaun for a few drinks, and Bonnie's daughter had decided to meet up with us as well for a bit.

Well, who could resist? We had to go back to Mill Creek to see if they were doing anything different. And on the way there, we were saying "I'm surprised they didn't play any Michael Jackson last night." Just as we got our drinks, a Michael Jackson video came on and the crowd went insane with approval! That was followed by Prince. Mister VeeJay really knows what this old lady wants to hear!

We turned in a little early on Saturday, and went back to our room to play Catch Phrase while unwinding with wine coolers. To our shock, there was a knock on the door, and it was The Consierge asking us to quiet down! REALLY?

This morning, I ran down to the Starbucks for coffee and tea for all of us, and after we all showered, we went down for the brunch. My guts are still rolling!

We were home by noon today. Oh it feels so good to be home! I missed my boys. I missed my kitties. I missed my BED!!!

I almost wish I had taken tomorrow off work just so I can recoup! I am one tired lady! But it was worth every minute!

Anticipation

2011-08-05T06:59:00.000-07:00

Today marks the 25th Anniversary of my mother's passing. It's hard to believe it's been that long. I can still picture her sitting at the kitchen table playing 500 rummy with me. Although, sadly, I can't quite conjure up her voice in my memory.

Last year, my sisters and I had gone on what we call a "Sisters Weekend". And this weekend will be our second annual "Sisters Weekend". It's been an emotional roller-coaster trying to organize this. After all, one doesn't just show up at The Copperleaf. They lost my reservations that I had made a month ago. My oldest son tried to back out of his agreement to watch my younger child. Well, I absolutely blew up at that one. Some might think I over-reacted, but I don't think so. I don't ask a whole lot of friends and family. And when I do, it's important stuff. And after all that I have done for #1 son, when I ask for a favor in return, he'd best play the part of my Wise Guy!

I'm still not done packing. I just can't decide what I'm wearing!
And I absolutely MUST change the cat litter before I leave. Yuck!

Have a great weekend, everyone!

What it's like to work with ME!

2011-07-26T17:19:00.001-07:00

One of the gals that I work with was having a bad day today, and was awfully grumpy. I asked her why she was so grumpy today and she just shrugged her shoulders.

So then I asked "Do you need a parade to cheer you up?" She shrugged her shoulders again and said grumpily "Maybe...."

So during a short lull in work, I created some little signs on colored paper that said "Cheer Up, Butter Cup!", "Smile Already!" and "THIS is YOUR Parade!" and taped them to tongue depressers

Then, three of us went marching past her desk humming the circus theme song, throwing chocolate kisses at her. It totally made her day! =)

Tales of Yore

2011-07-09T07:18:00.001-07:00

Gather round, Kids! I'm gonna tell you a story of yesteryear!
Back when I was young, Jukeboxes were really big and flashy, and were the focal point of most taverns. You could put in a quarter and get three songs! This, of course was a dilemma for us, since I have three siblings, so two of us had to agree on one song instead of all of us getting to pick out our own favorite.

But you got a whole THREE songs for a quarter!

If you went to the local K-Mart to buy a 45 record, it would cost you 75 cents to a dollar to purchase that record. And if you wanted to buy the album, it cost about 5 dollars.

Now, when you play the Jukebox, a computerized little box that is mounted on the wall that is touch sensitive, it costs you a dollar per song. The same amount as if you went to ITunes and purchased that song for your own collection. What the heck? I am merely playing the song, not buying it for a life time. How do they achieve this pricing structure?

I suppose it makes up for internet theft. But I feel dirty paying that much just to hear a song! Especially when the machine decides to play a different song instead of the one I selected!

I guess I wasn't meant to hang out in pubs.

Interesting Reading

2011-07-05T16:49:00.001-07:00

In an effort to understand the psyche of Casey Anthony, Investigation Discovery enrolled the help of Dr. Deborah Schurman-Kauflin, a renowned criminal profiler who has over 20 years experience in profiling everything from serial murders to aberrant sex crimes. In 1999, Dr. Schurman-Kauflin profiled the BTK serial killer. Years later, when Dennis Rader was arrested for the crimes, the profile proved to be a shockingly accurate reflection of the killer.

According to Dr. Schurman-Kauflin, Casey Anthony is a "dark damsel" who is seemingly ignoring the disappearance of her 2-year-old child, Caylee Anthony.

"The hallmark of a good predator is that she constantly tells lies. If you clutter the truth with enough of what's false, no one can tell what is real," Dr. Schurman-Kauflin said. "This is why the female offender keeps everyone guessing with deception. Keep people chasing their tails, and they don't have the time to fight you. You will often find female offenders are remarkably good at making people do what they want. They are especially skilled at manipulating men. Women know there is more than one way to make a man wild. She can seduce him. She can lead him in circles. When that fails, she can kill. Seduce-circle-kill."

By examining Anthony's behavioral patterns, Dr. Schurman-Kauflin said that her true self will become visible and it will become easier to predict her actions.

"In her eyes, those close to her are mere things that can be tossed in the trash when they get in the way. Follow her men, and you will follow her thinking. What that means is female predators are especially driven by their need to feel sexual and appealing. They need their men more than they need their families. Male attention is exciting, while family is judgmental. Men build her ego, but their children tear it down. What feeds her ego? If you figure this out, you figure her out. Seduce-circle-kill."

In regards to the trail of lies surrounding the case, Dr. Schurman-Kauflin said that they suggest Anthony is desperate for attention.

"She went toward excitement and lied when it suited her," she said, adding, "Lies surround her. Truth looks very hard to find here."

Unfortunately, determining what happened to Caylee is not as clear-cut.

"It is unclear at this point what happened to Caylee. However, what is clear is that Ms. Anthony did not put Caylee first when the child disappeared," Dr. Schurman-Kauflin said. "She did not do her best to help police find the responsibility [child] that had taken so much of her life. There have been rumors that she partied while her child faded into the night. Finally, she comes across as angry that people care more for her missing child than her. Her pattern comes across very clear. She put herself first, at least when it came to her disappearing baby."

In summary, Dr. Schurman-Kauflin said that if Anthony's patter of behaviors is followed, the truth behind Caylee's disappearance will be revealed.

Hmmmmm. This concerns me greatly. I know people who fit this profile.

Isn't Summer Awesome?

2011-07-03T07:08:00.000-07:00

Been meaning to blog, but I've just been too busy living these days! After all, it IS summer!

This past week was emotionally charged, knowing that Hubby's Birthday was on the 29th. But we got through it with positive thoughts. I am still working through a lot of things in my mind. It's a constant process. All of the "What If's" and they "Why did they do it that way?" thoughts, and of course, there will probably always be flashbacks of The Journey. It's a lot like having PTSD. But then on the flip side, I also have so many wonderful memories of our life together, and keeping those close to my heart helps me to move forward and want to find even more to enjoy in life.

It's the July 4th Weekend, and ours is action packed!
Friday Night, I had dinner and cocktails with my sister Barb, which is always a great way to start a weekend. We stopped at the Dollar Tree and I got a little crazy cuz I hadn't been there in a while. EVERYTHING is just a DOLLAR, Y'all! How can you pass this stuff up? Ha ha ha! The Child even found some fireworks there, which we lit off last night.

Yesterday morning, I woke to a very hot and humid day. I took my shower and realized that there was no way my hair was going to behave in such humidity. so I got out my Mini Hair Clips and just started putting my hair up. It ended up looking pretty cool!

Yesterday, we went to Sawdust Days. Last year, we discovered the band Purgatory Hill there, and I think they are just such an amazing duo! Click on the link, enter their site, and be prepared for something uniquely Magical! Pat plays a Cigar Box Guitar and gets the craziest sounds out of that thing! And Melanie Jane drives in the back beat with a fierceness you'd never expect from such a tiny, beautiful little lady. You have to catch their act to truly appreciate it.

They were playing again at Sawdust Days yesterday, and I was so happy to find that I had enough spare cash to buy one of their CD's. And as Myke was handing over cash to buy his own, he asked Melanie Jane if they would consider autographing one, and she graciously obliged! So now we both have Autographed Copies of their CD! How awesome is that!

We also stopped at The Karaoke Tent to see what was happening there, and caught a band called The Bench Warmers. They were pretty good as well! I sure Miss Marty!!!

Then, last night, Norm stopped over to help Andy jump his car, and then invited us over for a cook out, a fire, and some late night fishing. Who could say no to that! Norm and Nikki live right on the edge of Sawyer Creek in a cute little house with a huge yard.

Norm regularly fishes off their dock, and has been getting teased by a nice sized bass on a regular basis. It pops up, sees him, and quickly swims away.

Jerry cast his pole into the creek, didn't even get his line set, and BAM! That bass was on his line! Norm helped him bring it in, and made sure to get a good picture before releasing him back into the water to taunt him further.I just LOVE that picture!!!

Today, we are going to our friend Trina's for a relaxing afternoon of swimming, good conversation and a cook out! I am really looking forward to that! Speaking of which, I need to finish making the potato salad! (I make it just like my Grandma Kappell used to. Gawd how I LOVE that stuff!).

Tomorrow will be out traditional Family Day in Omro. That is always a fun time as well.

So how did you spend your three day weekend?

Horoscope

2011-06-24T16:28:00.000-07:00

My Horoscope for today says:

"You might not be able to rationalize your optimism today, for your uplifting mood doesn't necessarily correspond to anything specific in your life at this time. Nevertheless, your thoughts have more power than usual, enabling you to use them to positively impact your future. Just be careful that you're not avoiding an issue that must be faced. Exerting control over your life is a smart idea as long as you aren't trying to escape from the truth."

Sort of sounds like Lucy telling Snoopy that he'd best be careful cuz he is in for a "Happiness Let-Down".

It's not so much that I'm optimistic. I just know that the sun is going to rise each day with or without me. So I may as well be present to enjoy it best I can.

The Bowling Ball

2011-06-22T18:51:00.001-07:00

I started a project.... It began as a Bowling Ball sitting atop of a Jello Mold that I found at a thrift store.
It sat on my porch for the longest time. I would walk past it often, even sit beside it as each day it would ask "Is it time yet?' "No," I would say, "Today is not the day."

But then, Sunday, it rained. And it rained some more. And I said "This is a good day for a Rainy Day Project!" So I brought in the bowling ball and the other necessary items to begin this project. I started with Tile Glue and a broken mirror. It was fun breaking the mirror, and it didn't create nearly as many slivers as I had feared. I glued the mirror pieces to the ball, mixing in some blue stone for interest.

After letting that dry, I decided that I wanted it to be purple. So I mixed paint in with the grout.
When the glue was dry, I grouted the ball. I wasn't happy with the texture or color of the grout once I got it on the ball. So I got out a paint brush and I painted the grout a deeper purple.

It looks okay. I like it. It will look good in the front yard garden. But maybe I should have left the background white? Ah, too late now! But I can always keep an eye out for spare balls to do more in the future.

Right now, I have a protective poly coating drying on it. Then, I'll give it one more coating, let it dry, and set it free in my front yard.

My friend Toni said I ought to take it to the bowling alley and see how long it takes to freak out the manager! Ha ha! Great idea!

Don't Rain on My Parade!

2011-06-20T17:53:00.000-07:00

I am feeling quite hopeful lately. The tides are churning and I think things are starting to flow in my direction.

I am getting a clearer vision of how I want my life to be. After all, it IS my life! And it is mine to mold as I see necessary.

I don't let rainy days get me down. I embrace them. I start a cool project. I think happy thoughts. I make my own sunshine!

Of course, I am ever mindful that this is Hubby's month. He would have been 46 on June 29. And yes, that sucks. But you know what? He doesn't want me sitting idle pining away for him. He wants me to move forward and be the strong woman I have been all of my life - only even better.

I'm making lists and starting plans. I am going to reach for my dreams.

To some, who are too afraid to reach for theirs, this may seem as though I am out of control. But in reality, I am simply continuing to produce magic in my universe. Get over it!

Hooray for weekends!

2011-06-18T07:04:00.000-07:00

I tell myself all week that come Saturday, I can sleep in. So Saturday comes around, and, oh boy! I slept in a whole 30 extra minutes! Of course, it doesn't help that my little girl kitty decided she wanted to cuddle at 6AM and promptly decided to fart when I was snuggling her! NOT a good way to start a Saturday!

SO, I have my dishes washed, and my shower is scrubbed. I'm thinking I may get myself together and head on down to the Farmer's Market. I need to stop at the hardware store again any way!

While at the Art Show last week, my sis fell in love with these little bird houses that a vendor had. They are for decorative puropses only. I said "Why would you spend $30 on something that I can make you for free?" So.... I am obtaining supplies and getting ready to start manufacturing decorative bird houses. But first.... I must complete my other pending project!

I work with a gal named Anna who is purely magical! She only works part time with us because her REAL job is that she is an Artist. And a fabulous one at that!

She knows I love doing mosaics and such, and had mentioned a while back that a gal in the booth next to her at an art show was taking old bowling balls and broken mirror bits and was mosaicing the bowling balls as yard ornaments! What a brilliant idea! It'll look just "Trailer" enough to work in my yard, and will annoy the neighbors!

My only dilemma is breaking the mirror. If you break one by accident, you get 7 years bad luck. What happens if you intentionally smash one? Hmmmm.

May the Heavens Rejoice!

2011-06-13T17:13:00.000-07:00

One of the hardest things about my job is that I get SO attached to my patients.
I walk their journey with them, and most times, the outcome is good. And then, sometimes, the coin is flipped.

Barbara would come in twice a week on the pretense of having her blood pressure taken - when in actuality, she just really loved coming in to see all of us. And she really brightened our day when she came in. When Jim was walking his journey, she was my cheer-leader, always sending up a prayer and ready with a hug any time I needed one. I am sure she knows how much she helped me get through that most difficult time.

I have on my work desk a little praying bear whose name is Hope. And when the time came when management told us we could only keep one personal item at our workspace, I insisted on keeping two - my current picture of Jerry, and Hope the Bear because it was a heart-felt gift from Barbara when she knew I was at my lowest threshold of strength.

Barbara was SO amazing! She became ill not long after my Jimmy passed away, and was eventually diagnosed with Lymphoma. And she fought a very brave fight right up to the end. At one point, we thought she was winning this battle, even though the statistical odds were so stacked up against her. She was feeling well enough to come in like old times for a blood pressure check and was smothered with hugs from all of us.

Some of our patients need love, while others share their love. Barbara was such a beautiful lady with the purest of hearts. And I really hate that I received this news on a Monday - the busiest of days, when I am forced to keep going and pretend I am cheerful, when inside, I really just want to lock myself in a restroom and cry for my loss.

My last conversation with her was on June 2. She called to say she wasn't doing so well, and was going to spend some time in the ICU. And instead of dwelling on her own issues, she asked me how my baby is doing. And when I told her that he is doing very well these days, she sounded so happy to hear that. And then she said "Can I ask you a question? You don't have to answer if you don't want to, if it's too hard for you"

I said "Of course you can ask me a question, Barbara."

"We're coming up on the one year anniversary of losing Jim, aren't we? How are YOU doing?"
My response was "Well, we've just passed that anniversary at the end of March. But we got through it. I have wonderful friends and family, and I am very blessed."

She apologized for missing the date, and I said she had her own battles to fight, and I would never feel slighted if she forgot such things. And I told her to hang in there and to know that I love her.

The hard thing is, I had Friday off, and thought "Hey! I could go visit Barbara today!" But it just never happened.

And just yesterday, I FINALLY found the perfect gift at the Art Fair to give to her - it is a beautiful poem:

But she does know that she was and will always be in my heart and in my thoughts. I am very blessed to have had my life touched by such a wonderful lady. And I can just imagine, once she is finished hugging all of the loved ones she knows up in heaven, that she is going to stop and say "So now which of you Angels is my Brenda's Jim? I need a hug from you too, Buster!"

Pandora

2011-06-10T20:15:00.000-07:00

I'm a bit late in jumping on this train. I always knew it was out there, but Hubby was always so afraid of web sites like this, fearing that it was loaded with spam and viruses. But, DANG! I really wish we had downloaded this when he was still around.

We shared many a night listening to Jazz music and drinking wine and talking about whatever was on our minds. And I loved those nights - except when he would play Ole What's His Face Experimental Jazz Dude's stuff.... his name escapes me right now....

But with Pandora, all you have to do is choose a few artists and genres, and it grabs others like it to compliment the set. And I have a pretty groovy Jazz Channel going at the moment. I started out with George Benson - whom I adore, and Sting.... and Pandora added David Sandborn, Quincy Jones and many others. Jim would have loved this!

And although this makes me miss him, it also helps me to remember the good times we shared. And that makes it all worth the trip.

Is it REALLY summer?

2011-06-10T13:45:00.000-07:00

As it turned out, I needed to take the day off work for The Child's first day of summer vacation. DARN!

He had said over a week ago that he wanted me to make him French Toast for breakfast for his first official day of summer. I said "No can do!" But as it turned out, he got his wish!

It's too cold and rainy today to be out working in my yard, so I have been plugging away at random housework tasks as the day goes on. The house is nowhere near clean, but looks MUCH better than it did when I woke up this morning!

For motivation, I turned on Pandora Radio. It's fun! Not every song is one I would have chosen, but many are old favourites.

I did some shopping on Overstock.com last weekend and most of my shipment came in. This is the first time that I am really not happy with my purchases and will likely return them. Wow. What was I thinking?

Any way, I now have a camera that works, so I am able to post pictures of my front yard landscape job. I wish I had taken a Before Picture, because it really looked like hell!
Note there is a new rose bush off to the left. There has always been one on the right side of the house and has always looked unbalanced. So now, there are two. Hopefully, they will bloom at different times each year. The original one usually blooms in the fall. The new one was blooming gorgeous yellow roses when I bought it. It has to establish itself yet. We shall see how it fares in its new home.

I created a little walking path so that I can water my potted plants without trampling all of the ground plants. Of course the hyacinth plants were all done blooming and ready to go away by the time I got to start this project, so even though they are all in the ground, they look quite peaked. But next year, it will look quite lovely. I was able to break up the larger bulb groups and spread them among the other plants. I hope I have random blooming plants all through spring, summer and fall.

So there you have it! Now, any hot young Blog Stalkers who worship my blog can simply search my city for this awesome landscaping job and drop by to worship me in person. Um.... yeah. That'll happen.

Tomorrow is the third annual Aurora 5K Walk/Run for Cancer. I love that they always choose a date somewhere around the anniversary of my Father's death. It makes it a bit more meaningful for all of us as we do the walk. Our group is smaller this year, but that's okay. It's not an easy trek.

Sunday is the Art Fair at South Park! Yay! I love that! And the really nice thing about this, is that I was stressing on the dilemma that I should really be making arrangements to go visit my #1 son on Sunday. But I saw him today instead, so all is well..... well..... okay, they could be better, but I can't fix all of his problems. He is a grown man after all.

I swear I have the attention span of a gerbil these days. I need to get back on task! Hope you all have a wonderful weekend as well!

Weekends just end far too soon!

2011-06-06T04:57:00.000-07:00

This was such a nice weekend!
Friday night, I finished up my landscaping, and had a nice relaxing evening.
Saturday morning, my sis and I went to the Farmer's market in the morning where we found a guy who makes metal flowers. I just had to buy four of them for my new landscaping.

Saturday afternoon, The Child and I went shopping. We were both low on summer clothes.

Then, Saturday evening, we went to Gallery Walk. Or was that Pub Walk? We didn't see much art, but it was an adventure! And after that, we went to the home of my sister's friends for a fire.

Yesterday was a fairly lazy day spent beading and doing light housework. And then my friend Rick texted me and said he was really in the mood for whiskey. So he came over for a few cocktails and we watched the movie Christine! I haven't seen that in forever! We topped it off with dinner from Niko's Gyros which is always spectacular.

Alas, it is now Monday. Sigh.

If only my camera worked!

2011-06-03T20:22:00.000-07:00

The front yard landscaping is COMPLETED!!!!!!
I just love it!
It took 12 bags of lava rock and 83 bricks and I don't even want to think about how much I spent on plants, but it looks very nice at the moment! My new rose bush is adapting to its new home and flowering once again, as are the clamatis shrubs! YAY!!!!!

Rebooting solves everything!

2011-06-03T04:33:00.000-07:00

At work the other day, our computers kept crashing.
I notified Tiff in I.T. that we were having issues, and she said to try re-starting our computers and see if that solves our problems.
I messaged her that Candy was in the process of doing just that, and I will keep her posted.

A moment later, I sent her this message: Re-booting seems to have solved all of Candy's problems! Her hair has never been shinier, she has received an increase in pay, her kids have never been more behaved, and her co-workers are now off fetching her chocolate! I have GOT to TRY this!

So I re-booted as well, and then sent her another message: Rebooting has also solved all of MY problems! Our Troops are on their way home, and Brad Pitt just proposed!

Her response: Yeah, Brad called me too!

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! =)

Meanwhile.... out in the front yard...

2011-05-29T19:57:00.000-07:00

I am making great progress on the front yard. It really looks nice!
Of course, I didn't buy enough materials to finish the entire job. First, I ran out of sand for beneath the bricks (Thank you, Tania for running for more for me!!!) , and now, I am out of Lava Rock. I need about six more bags.

So, I'm out there, bent over with my ass to the road, and some guy drives by and yells: "Yeah, Baby!" Is it any wonder I don't like spending a great deal of time out in my front yard?

But all of the bricks are laid, and the flowers are planted, and it is really taking shape! Jim would be proud!

Lif is just too crazy to believe sometimes

2011-05-29T19:24:00.001-07:00

Had an old friend find me on facebook today. We haven't talked in 25 years. I don't even know how he found me on there since I have no mention of my maiden name whatsoever.

Way back in the day, we used to go to open mic's together and cheer each other on, and occasionally get together and do some writing. My gawd, that feels like an entire lifetime ago.
But today, he found me, and we got to talking, which then turned into a phone call. He said he has been trying to find me for forever because he really wanted me to hear what he has been doing with my songs throughout the years.

It turns out, he did some professional recording in New Orleans some years back with a top notch band who really understood what these songs were meant to be. Holy crap! I am absolutely floored at what they have done with my lyrics. It's flattering to know that someone thought so much of my talent to develop it so thoroughly.

Almost makes me want to get out the recording equipment and start over again... I may be old and chubby, and no one wants to watch an old chubby gal belt out some blues on stage... unless it's Aretha or Bonnie Raitt. But..... I could resume writing and pass on my lyrics on the off chance they land in the right hands and actually make some money. It would be so cool to hear something I wrote playing on the radio some day.

Thank you, Dean! You put a spring in my step today! I needed that!

Like Charlie Sheen, I'm Winning, but for different reasons

2011-05-20T20:41:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is my sister's Birthday, so we went out tonight for dinner and cocktails. It was nice.
But they weren't able to stay for a bonfire after-wards. Bummer. I have a bottle of Strawberry Wine with their names on it.

So.... it was just me in the back yard with a fire.... too nice of a night to let it pass without a fire.
After all, I had the shell of an old wooden planter from our yard in the fire pit ready to torch.

So what do I do when I have a fire in the back yard and it's just me and my lonesome? Well, I talk to Hubby. After all, he did promise me that every time I have a fire in the fire pit he would be there.

So, I talked to him a bit. Sang to him a bit. I sang him some of the original songs I had written just for him. And then I sang some of my favourite songs that we did back in our band days.... which lead to the song Diamonds and Rust. Wow. Joan Baiez was so prolific. And it struck me how timely that song is for me right here right now.

I know I need to move on. I so badly want to move on. Because all memories give me is diamonds and rust. I need to move forward still further and get beyond that.

I'm sick of being alone. It sucks trying to maintain everything. I don't mind being in charge, but, dang! Some things I would rather let anybody else handle.

I have been working on the front yard all this week because I have some brick work coming on Monday. I am SO SICK of weeding and fighting Mother Nature when it comes to my yard. I have NEVER been an outdoors kind of person. I HATE bugs and weeds. And why the hell have they suddenly decided to take over? They never did in years past. Or perhaps Hubby did much more with the yard than I gave him credit? I dunno. I just know that I am an indoors kind of gal and I need to put "Adores Yard-work" on my checklist for a future potential mate.

Today was such a beautiful day. I was in good spirits, and the weather was amazing. And it is lovely having the windows open and hearing St Vinnie's Clock ringing each hour. It brings comfort to me and reminds me of better days. But you know what? It is up to ME to bring my OWN BETTER DAYS right here, right now. I am building a pretty cool life here for me and my boys. We have walked through the ashes and we need to get beyond that and make it all worth it. THAT is why GOD put us on this earth.

Landscaping...

2011-05-19T04:42:00.000-07:00

Why do I do this to myself?
I really dislike yard work, landscaping and gardening. And yet I love the flowers.
One of my favourite places is The Healing Garden at work. It is so amazing to see everything bloom, each plant in its own time. It starts out purple, and then goes red, and then blue and then gold as the seasons progress. Gorgeous.

I could only hope to be able to create such an ecosystem. Especially with my lack of knowledge.

But at the moment, I am working toward the goal of not having to weed that vast dirt hump in my front yard. My patio block comes on Monday. So I have much to do to prepare. I need to dig up my Hyacinth plants and hastas and put them in a tub for now, so that they don't get trampled as I work on that area.

I know what I HOPE it will look like when completed. This will be a true test of patience.
I want it done and I want it done NOW. But if I want it to look nice, I need to take my time - an hour each evening, to get it right.

I just wish Mother Nature didn't provide so many bugs and slugs! Yuck!

Why do I do this to myself? Yes, I do know the answer to that. I am finishing one of Hubby's goals. He wanted the front yard to look professionally landscaped. He didn't get the chance to do it. I have the opportunity, and I am taking it.

Oh, but he has no idea!

2011-05-10T17:57:00.000-07:00

My darling child just came home and DEMANDED that I order him Chicken Nuggets and Fries for Dinner from Player's because he is ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN that I don't want him to STARVE TO DEATH!

WOW! This, after I had already made dinner for us both earlier, and he turned his nose up to it. I told him that I was not going to make him something different. He made himself a peanut butter sandwich and then left to play with his buddy.

These sort of tactics may work for his buddy when dealing with his buddy's mother. But I have never been the classic dictionary definition of ANYTHING! Why would Motherhood be any different? I don't run on guilt. I run on HUGS!!!

Anxiety

2011-05-07T07:43:00.000-07:00

I have an Anxiety Disorder. I went to my doctor on the last leg of Hubby's Journey to get help. It was all too much for me to try to do it on my own. And here we are, over a year later, and I still feel the need to be on Anxiety Meds. In spite of how far I have come and how strong I have been, there are moments when I still feel like I am just spinning my wheels.

The crazy thing is, I hadn't really given much thought to my own diagnosis in the past year. It was only at my last appointment that I was informed that I suffer from an Anxiety Disorder and Borderline Depression. I find that a bit absurd since never once did I tell my doctor that I suffer from depression. It's 90% anxiety and maybe 5% Depression. Somehow in growing up, I was given the excellent tools to deal with depression and to hold onto all of the beautiful things that come to me in life.

A few months ago, I had it in my mind that maybe it was time to say goodbye to the medication. But then as the date for my checkup neared, all hell broke loose again in my life, and I decided that maybe I ought to just continue for a while. Doctor agrees with me.

Since then, I have been monitoring how I am feeling much more closely. And still, it's not so much depression. But I do still get a LOT of Mini-Anxiety Attacks. I hate it! Mostly because I know that if I discuss it with my doctor, he is going to try to add more drugs to my regimen. And what I want is LESS, not more! And at one point, he did try to add another Depression medication on top of the Anxiety meds I already take. The result? Sweet Baby Jesus! I found myself so deep in depression I couldn't stand myself! Fortunately, I was smart enough to see that it was the medications causing me to feel that way and not ME!!!

Of course, there really is no medication that is going to fully remove all of the anxiety I have. I need to cope with it and try to keep moving forward. Forward is just a really fucked up place at the moment. I am having a difficult time picturing what it needs to be.

I need to get out more. I need to be out amongst my loved ones and have more FUN!!! Life is just too damned serious these days! I need more silly. Bring it on!

No Stress, No Mess!

2011-04-25T16:19:00.001-07:00

This is the best Monday I have had in such a long time! I am so glad I am on vacation!
I have a To Do list that I made last week, and I keep adding to it, and keep chipping away at it a little each day. It feels so good to be accomplishing all of the tasks that have been stressing me out for ages.

I finally got out in my yard and cleaned up all the mess and debris from last fall, and hacked up all the dead brush. Unfortunately, I wasn't thinking, and didn't take any allergy meds first.... which lead to an asthma attack from inhaling all that pollen and mildew. Live and learn.

I wish I were more organized. I seem to be taking the ADD approach to cleaning. But I DID get 8 bags of trash filled to put on the curb tonight. I feel good about that!

The Child wants to have a fire tonight. I think I'm gonna burn the brush I chopped up today, as well as last years grape vines.

One mysterious thing I am wondering about, though.... it looks like somebody trimmed down my rose bush. I know that I did not trim it. So who the heck did? That's just odd!

I'm starting to get excited and frustrated about my front yard. I have some really cool ideas on what to do with that big area where the bushes used to be. I don't want it to become over-run with weeds again this year, and I want to lay brick-work over it, and still allow my Hyacinth Plants to sprout through, and have a ton of potted plants out there. I can picture it in my mind. All I need is my tax refund. It can't get here soon enough. I know what I want to do, and I want it done yesterday and not next month! But that's what I get for procrastinating on my taxes....

I had 2 step-stools on my porch that I took out back and stained the same color as the front steps. I want to set those out front as well, and put pots on them. I think that will look rustically cute!

I also started painting my bathroom on Saturday. I had chosen a color for the woodwork way back in December, and had been putting off painting. And now, as I started covering up that ugly green trim that I never really liked, I found that the color I was aiming for and the color I chose are quite different. I was aiming for burgundy, but I bought a berry color instead. But the more I paint, the more I really like the color. It's happy and bold! Hubby would HATE HATE HATE it! It is quite girlie. We are supposed to get some rainy days this week. I will get back to my painting on those days. It was far too nice outside today to spend it locked in a tiny bathroom!

Well, time to get dinner going, and then a fire! Have a great Monday Evening, everyone!

Oh! And Happy Belated Birthday to our "Little" Cracker! He turned one yesterday!

Peace

2011-04-20T17:05:00.000-07:00

I haven't been posting much lately. I have been too busy trying to bring continued harmony to my own home. I think it's working. The Child is going on 5 full weeks of school with no drama! FIVE WEEKS!!!! That is FANTABULOUS!!!!!

He has come a long way in this past year, given all of the hurdles he has had to climb. I am so proud of him!

My Number One Son has been working through his own obstacles these days as well. I know it will not be an easy road. I know there will be changes we as a family will have to make in support of his health and well-being too. Family Christmas may need to become a dry event at least for this year so that he can know that we are behind him and want him to succeed.

This is going to be a hard one for us to work with. My son has a problem with alcohol. I happen to enjoy getting the occasional chance to consume some myself. And it is not me who has the problem. So why do I feel guilty about wanting to get out and party? It is quite a crux to contend with.

Work has been quite stressful lately. My guts are just rolling by the time I leave that building each day. I love my co-workers, and I love my patients. But the job itself is so non-stop go go go that it batters my energy level into the ground. I hate that. I need all the energy I can get to keep this house going.

I got my taxes filed and sent in on time. That in itself was quite a challenge. Yet another mountain to climb as a widow. I procrastinated this duty way longer than I should have because I just didn't want to face all of the research it took to do it correctly. If you're married, make it a point to die first, because then you won't have to deal with all of this official bullshit. I had to file Married Filing Jointly and then sign on Jim's dotted line as Surviving Spouse. There were other areas I had to research as well, such as funeral deductions, medical expenses, credits and my eligibility.... no easy task. And because I had to actually sign on the dotted line, I couldn't file electronically. Noooo! I had to do it the old fashioned way. Which means I will probably have to wait longer for my refund. But at least I am getting a refund! I won't complain!

I also had to figure Number 1 Son's taxes as he is indisposed at the moment. That was interesting. Hell, if I can get through filing both my own unique tax situation and my oldest Son's tax situation, maybe I ought to consider getting an accounting degree this year and think about doing people's taxes for them for a fee. It would be a great cushion to get us through tough times to come. Something to seriously consider....

I had asked off for Easter vacation some time ago, and to my surprise, I actually was granted 10 luxurious days at home with The Child. I am SO looking forward to that! Even if it is supposed to rain for most of that time, I can get my house back in order, purge more bags of stuff, and paint my bathroom while trying to come up with something fun and interesting to do with The Child. We are also going to get together with Marcia and Jake at least once while on vacation. Marcia and I are twins separated at birth, and it would be very cool if our kids got to know each other better and maybe found that they too are twins separated at birth. Oh what fun we could have taking over the world!

So! Just one more stressful day of work tomorrow. I think I can handle that.

We had a doozie of a snow storm yesterday. I don't know if the National Weather Service named this one, But I took it upon myself to name it. I called it Tom Jones. Everyone kept saying "It's not supposed to snow in April!" But my answer was: "It's Not Unusual!" Ba Dump Dum!

It was a beautiful storm in spite of its timing. I hope my Hyacinth plants recover. I haven't gotten to smell their heavenly scent yet! This storm, as most everything else, reminded me of Hubby. I was telling Billy on the bus the other day that Prince wrote a song that suits this snow storm......

Mental Health Day

2011-04-02T20:07:00.000-07:00

I deserve it. This has been the week from hell.
Tuesday, The anniversary of Hubby's passing was spent caring for my oldest son. Friends and family helped to make the day much better as it went along.

Wednesday I was too tired to accomplish much or even feel much for that matter. And #1 Son had finally set his mind to checking himself into a treatment center. I truly hope they are good at their job and are able to make him see that no one is going to fix things for him. He has a lot of work ahead of him, but he can do it if he sets his mind to it.

Thursday, I got to visit with my beautiful Grandson.

Friday, April Fools Day, is the anniversary of Hubby's funeral service. And it is also the day I received message that Hubby's Aunt had passed away.
The Child was supposed to have a sleep over last night, and I was SO hoping he would do that, because I really could have used a night out on the town. But, alas, it was not meant to be.

So today, I went to the video store and I rented two movies.
Knocked Up had me laughing out loud through most of it. It was a well-written story, and the actors were amazing! And, of course, I needed the tissues after that.

Sadly, after the week I have had, once I started crying, it was difficult to stop. I needed that.

Movie number two, which I watched this evening was The Notebook. Oh yeah. Now THAT was a tear- jerker if I ever saw one!

It is therapeutic for me. It allows my mind to contemplate all of the things that I just keep pushing to the back of my mind, and work out how I really feel about everything.

Thing is, #1 Son checked himself in this week saying it is a 90 day program, and for the first 30 days, there would be no contact with the outside world. Lo and behold, I received a phone call from him Friday informing me that Sunday is visitor day and could I come bringing him a list of stuff he needs? What the hell? I had plans for Sunday!!!!!!!! Visiting hours are right at the time I planned to go grocery shopping! And I don't drive! So figuring out how to get to Fond du Lac posed yet another challenge, especially on such short notice.

I want to give him moral support during this important step in his life, but I am running out of ME to share!!!! I am tired of having to be at the ready for all the added bullshit that comes flying in my direction. I personally live a low-key simple life, and I LOVE it that way!!!! If people would let it STAY that way, I could accomplish more, and would be able to heal much faster! When too much crap comes flying my way, I tend to shut down. That doesn't help me either.

And truth be told, I have a lot of hurt and anger inside of me toward #1 Son. No son should EVER treat their mother the way he has in this past year, and especially in these past few months. And I know it is addiction I have been seeing. But Still, I have my guard up. WAY up. It is going to take a LOT to mend this rift he has caused. He has lost my trust. And that is not an easy thing to earn back, parent or no parent.

So, yes! I NEEDED this day of purging and thinking and reflecting. I will be a stronger person tomorrow for it.

Miles and Miles before I sleep

2011-03-29T04:36:00.000-07:00

We have reached a milestone today. It has been one year since Hubby left us for the great beyond. And what a year it has been. I have accomplished so much and yet so little.
As Bruce Springsteen puts it, "One Step Up and Two Steps Back".

I'm not the same person I was a year ago. I do know that. I see things much differently now.
I am very blessed to have so many wonderful loved ones willing to help out or even just listen to me as I purge my angst. But ultimately, all decisions rest on my shoulders. That has been the most difficult part. I didn't choose to be a single parent. I didn't choose this path. I LOVED being married. I loved having a partner to help face all of the challenges that life brings. And now, I face it alone.

Someday I may find someone new to walk this road with. But prospects are slim, and I've much work to accomplish before that time. It has only been recently that I have the heart to start weeding through things and truly start purging. I would love to get out of this house and start fresh somewhere. But I cannot do that with so much stuff. I need to lighten the load considerably, both physically and mentally.

I talk to Hubby often. I know he is listening. He does leave me signs now and again to let me know that he is watching over us. That is a great comfort.

I have the day off work today. This was supposed to be a "Me" day. But, alas, I have others to care for instead. What's a gal to do? This is life.

Progress!

2011-03-24T18:53:00.000-07:00

A week ago, I went on a tryrade about dieting. I have been at this since Early February and haven't dropped much since the second week. So this past week, I have been naughty. I stopped being so strict with myself. If I want a Pepsi, I have a little Pepsi. If someone brings in a yummy treat to work, I'm gonna freaking have that yummy treat!

Well, guess what!? I am FINALLY down 11 pounds instead of that previously noted nine pounds!
Go ME!!!!

Of course, I don't go overboard. And if I DO have something naughty, that means I will be having just a salad for dinner. But you know what? As tired of saladsas I am, a salad feels better when I know I am inching my way to a milestone. And I like that!!!

An What of That Goal of Being Positive in 2011?

2011-03-20T07:16:00.000-07:00

My dear friend Myke Miller turned me on to Sass Jordan many years ago, and it has become a beautiful thing to watch her musical journey through the years.

I stumbled upon this song the other day....

It suits my feelings about my own life these days, but it also suits #1 Son's journey as well.
I hope some day he gets his feet back on the ground.

I'm done

2011-03-19T20:24:00.000-07:00

In this past month, I have witnessed my oldest son hit rock bottom. He has lost everything.
And still he fails to realize that he is his own worse enemy. Or rather ALCOHOL is his worser enemy.

His drinking has caused him to lose his family, his drivers license, his truck, his home, his job. It has caused him to steal from his own mother. And still he feels he isn't ready to check himself in and get the help he needs.

I have a ten year old boy here in my home who is a handful all by himself. We are still on a journey of healing and working through our grief in losing my husband a year ago this month.

I do not need the extra added drama, lies, lip service and financial burden that my oldest son brings with him. I will not have him laying around on my couch all day feeling sorry for himself. I just won't do it! I'm not helping him by doing so.

And I can talk until I am blue in the face, but he never hears a word I have to say. He just nods and agrees because it may buy him more time to lay around and feel sorry for himself.
He's not going to get help until he finally sees that getting that help is the only real solution.

Will I stop worrying about him until he reaches that point? Of course I will! I want the world for my son! I want him to succeed in life! I want him to get it together and be the best he can possibly be! I don't want to find his body under a bridge or in a horrible car wreck. I don't want him to end up as a vegetable for the rest of his life because of some poor choice he makes while drinking.

But I also know that he can be a violent person when he is drinking. And I know that I cannot afford to expose my younger son to that. The poor kid has enough to deal with. Alcoholism makes the entire family sick. Not just the drinker.

We all have a breaking point. And I am reaching mine. I feel like I am being held hostage by all of the drama that surrounds my oldest son. I love my grandson. He is such a beautiful little boy. And I want my son to be able to appreciate fatherhood. I want him to be there for Liam, and he can only do that if he is sober for life. He needs to understand that. And until he does, I don't know what else I can do.

My heart is breaking. I have too much pain and sorrow in my life already. I just can't bear the intensity of the heartbreak I feel watching a young man savetage everything that means anything to him.

This isn't tough love. We just need to do this. Just when the young child and I start moving forward, more drama gets poured onto our lives and drags us two steps back. We can't afford to be dragged two steps back every few months. We need to get to where we need to be. We need peace and sanity. To word it better, with all that we have endured these past few years, we DESERVE the opportunity to move forward with peace and sanity!

Parenting

2011-03-03T18:50:00.000-08:00

The Child sent me a text while I was at work asking if he can go to his friend's house.
My response was "No. You are grounded.
Moments later, his next text says "Please can I go?"
My response: "No. You are grounded."
His next response surprised me: "What can I do to make you say yes?"
I thought about it for a minute and answered back "Build a time machine and travel back to last week and tell yourself to be really really good or he will be grounded."
His response: "I was thinking more like do homework."
My response: "Well, that is a good idea. Math will help you with Quantum Physics, and you need to be a very good speller if you travel into the past."
His response: "Time travel is not real."

I am crestfallen!

Finally Friday!

2011-02-25T17:24:00.000-08:00

I am keeping my promise to myself.
I allow myself one sinful meal each week, and today, that was at lunch. I had Fish and Chips.
The chips were much more yummy than the Cod Nuggets.
But they also had Mini Taco's in the lunch room today. I ADORE Mini Taco's!

So because I allowed myself to enjoy that fabulously high fat meal, tonight, I worked out to not one, but 2 of my DVD's. I kick ass!

Progress Report

2011-02-24T16:00:00.000-08:00

Stepped on the scale today. Down Nine Pounds!!!! YES!!!

Pounds of Steele

2011-02-22T18:03:00.000-08:00

So I ordered the "Of Steele" DVD set because of all of the videos that I have tried to exercise to throughout the years, these seem to be the less dangerous of them all. Why? Because Leisa Hart is always mindful of how easy it is to pull just the wrong muscle, discouraging the would-be exerciser for life.

Of course, I am too chubby and out of shape to be able to do every single exercise they show me (and she is always saying "Be mindful of your exercise level, don't over-do it"), but what I AM able to do will be most helpful. As with any and every exercise video, I feel a bit dorky and lacking in grace trying to do a lot of the moves. I never took ballet when I was a kid, and she incorporates a lot of ballet and yoga into her routines. But the good thing is there are no sudden jerky movements that shift all of your weight onto your core or hips, and she is continually pointing out that you don't want to strain your knees, hips or joints. You always want to try to counter-balance the stress. I like that! And the bonus is that I am strengthening my lower back with all of these routines. My back has been so unpredictable these days, and I know I really need to start working those muscles more.

I know I am going to be sore tomorrow after tonight's work out (Legs of Steele). I was a little sore after last night's work out (Abs of Steele). But it was nothing that I couldn't shake off if I kept moving. I have a long way to go, but at least I have a start!

Dream Pockets

2011-02-19T05:58:00.000-08:00

I had a dream this morning.
Jim and I were in some public place, standing at a counter and I was drawing something very important. I was almost done with the drawing when someone interrupted me, crowding in to use the counter we were using, so I asked Jim to hold on to the drawing for a moment while I collected up all my drawing pencils so we could move to another area of the counter.

I then asked him for the drawing so that I could finish it, and he gave me that "Oh Crap" look and started digging in his inside coat pocket for it, and was unable to fish it out easily.

I started yelling at him" "You folded it and put it in your pocket? How could you do that!?" I was extremely angry at him and really started berating him (which is odd because I never did that in life!).

I grabbed his lapel and started digging through his inner pocket, rummaging for the drawing, and found that there was so much stuff in his pocket that it was difficult to find it. The pocket seemed to be endless and loaded full of objects.

"What the hell is all of this stuff anyway?" I asked him in anger.

"It's everything you ever asked me to hold for you."

Maybe that's why I was so bitchy towards him. My heart was also in his pocket.
Needless to say, I woke up crying. Damn it!

Quick Thinking

2011-02-16T04:40:00.000-08:00

The other day I walked through the house, avoiding lego bits and yelled at The Child.
"Pick up all these legos! A person can't even walk through the house without stepping on legos!"
So The Child starts collecting up all the lego bits, and when he is almost done, he yells "And by the way, a person COULD walk through the house without stepping on legos unless they were blind or something!"
My response: "Well maybe I invited some blind people over for dinner tonight!"

I RULE!

POSITIVE Videos of the day

2011-02-13T08:45:00.000-08:00

I was surfing Youtube last night and found some good ones.

I have been a fan of Paolo Nutini for a few years now, but never actually saw what he looked like. He is a CUTIE! And he's from Paisley, Scotland! Talk to me, baby! =)

Just listen to that accent!

And then I stumbled onto a Michael Buble video. I love his classic stuff, and this is a bit of a break-out tune for him. VERY sweet! (Embedding disabled, sorry!)
I Just Haven't Met You Yet

Where is that New Year Positivity?

2011-02-12T18:42:00.000-08:00

I would be a fool to think that this new year would sneak by without any challenges.
The Child is in the Dog House once again, and fails to understand just how disappointed I am in his actions. I have continually fought for his rights and defended his actions over and over, only to have him go to school yesterday and put a kid in a headlock - which earned him yet another suspension. Nice slap in the face for Mommy. Grrrrr!

Of course this drama comes on a weekend where I am already feeling a bit fragile. Valentines Day is Monday. Valentines Day last year had to be the hardest ever. I spent an hour at the card store looking through cards and trying not to burst into tears. There were so many cards saying "I want to spend the rest of my life with you" and "The future will be even better than today" and I just couldn't bring myself to burden Jim with emotion with all that he was going through. So I opted for funny instead. Although by the time I got to the humour section, my sense of humour was long gone.

I try not to dwell on such things too much. If I did, I would go crazy.

For now, I am nursing a cold, and not accomplishing much around Kuhrsville. Although I did get my shower caulked today. THAT is an accomplishment! The dishes can wait.

A Conversation with my oldest son

2011-02-11T15:22:00.000-08:00

We were at the grocery store the other night and I saw "Mom's Meatloaf" for sale and suggested we each get one and see how it is.
Well, there was NO LOVE in that meatloaf. No one from MY FAMILY made that crap! It was like a brick of unknown meat substance!

Son: So I made that meatloaf last night. Not good.
Me: Yes, it was quite disgusting!
Son: Yeah! And what's worse is that I can feel it working through to my colon. Can't even describe that feeling!
Me: It's like.... smuggling a cell phone into a prison!
Son: EXACTLY!

I do love cats, but.....

2011-02-10T16:58:00.000-08:00

Yes, I am back on the Diet Wagon. I figure I have allowed myself enough time with comfort food and stress eating. It is time to get back to where I ought to be. And although it is only week one, I am kicking ass! 3 pounds so far. I know I have a long way to go, since I am at my all time heaviest. I have earned every pound, though. And I will also earn every pound lost as well.

Today, I saw a lady with a sweater on and it reminded me why I wear either prints or solids.... no scenes or critters. Why? Well, the bottom of this lady's sweater was lounging cats. And although it was a cute sweater, her butt was round enough to fit eight lounging full size cat images around it. EIGHT! Not for me, people!

So wish me luck. I would like to get back to a healthy size 10 again. I have done it before, and I know that I can get there again. I am motivated. I WILL get healthy again. I just can't wait for the snow to melt so that I can start walking outside again. I need that. I will surely miss my walking partner Marty this time, but I know if I talk to him as I walk, he will be listening.

This has been a difficult week for me, emotion-wise. Just when I think I am doing well, I will see something that will make me think of Hubby, and WHAM! I am right back to where we were a year ago. I don't want to go back to that moment in time. I want to remember Hubby as a healthy, wonderful person that I loved to be around. I really hate that our journey lead us down the path it did.

I had a dream last night that it was spring, and my Dad was outside with a friend and was suddenly stung by a bee. He and his friend were discussing what the proper cure for bee stings were, and they headed for my house. Dad said "Let's ask Miss Computer Genius to look up the answer." Such an odd dream! But the wonderful thing was, bee sting aside, he looked wonderful and healthy. So if I am able to get beyond the image of my father in his last days, then hopefully in a few years I will be able to get beyond picturing Hubby in his last days as well and remember him the way I want to.

So that's what is new around Kuhrsville this week. How is your week going?

Join the Movement!

2011-02-09T18:56:00.000-08:00

There MUST be a cure!
It is a terrible affliction that happens to all of us at least once a year. Some may even be completely unaware that they have been crippled with this affliction.
We call it Hanger Nipples. Those awful bumps that appear when that beloved sweater has spent more time on a hanger than on your body.

We must fight to end this disease. Don't wait another moment. Join forces to find a cure today. Because nothing says "Loser" more loudly than ridiculous bumps - especially on that beloved Cosby Sweater that you have kept fresh and sassy for so many years.

Please. Spread the word. Re-post this on your blog. Put it up as your facebook status.
Do everything within your power to help stamp out sweater nipples for good!

Utensils

2011-02-04T19:36:00.000-08:00

The #1 son was over for dinner last night.
We were all loading up our plates when I realized that I had forgotten to get us each a knife to cut our pork chops.

#1 son said "Yeah, it would be kinda hard to cut up pork chops with just a fork."

Me: "Well, if we could, then they'd be called Fork Chops, now wouldn't they?"

=)

Always thinking

2011-01-30T13:35:00.001-08:00

Drats! I finally took the time to look through my latest issue of Traditional Home Magazine.
I really love this magazine because they have such fresh ideas and color schemes that really appeal to my brain.

But then I came across a La-Z-Boy ad that I hadn't seen before:

And the colors all match my living room so well! Normally, I absolutely LOATHE floral fabric of any kind, but I really think these chairs would pop in my Lime Green Living Room.

In the magazine, the sofa looks much more orange than it does on the internet ad. And I am sure I have mentioned that I will forever be pining for that 1962 Orange Sofa that I had years back. I really LOVED that retro sofa. And it was made when I was made! It was so cool! But I parted with it for noble reasons, so I know I shouldn't complain too loudly. But the shape of this sofa echoes the clean squarish lines of that 1962 sofa.

No, I am not going to use my tax refund to buy all new living room furniture. Even though the furniture I have is only 4 years old and already looks like it has been through a war .... come to think of it, my furniture HAS seen much more wear and tear than the average family's would. But I chose it for the good bones, and not so much for the cheap fabric. I chose it because I know I can get some mileage out of this furniture. It will be very easy to re-upholster. And I am thinking a nice Coffee Brown to go against the Lime Green. With multiple shades of orange and purple pillows. Does that sound crazy and loud to you? To me, it just screams SEXY!!!

But, alas, my attention span isn't what it used to be. So I will ponder this for a spell. If it sticks in my mind, then I will certainly do it. But if not, then it wasn't meant to be.

For now, I am just thrilled to know that my shower is no longer leaking. It has grown increasingly worse through these past few years. And thanks to my Sis-in-Law Tania and her trusty Housemate Bill, and less than $20 worth of parts, it is dry and happy again! I can feel the savings accumulating by the day! Can you believe it? I am actually looking forward to seeing my next water bill!

I have also spent a great deal of my weekend watching some good shows on A&E.com. I started with Hoarders, and went on to Storage Wars, and then to American Pickers, and it has motivated me to start eliminating the needless things, and pricing up the oddities that I have sitting around. I think come this spring, I will be ready to actually hold a rummage sale and part with a great deal of things. I know some of it will be difficult to haggle over and part with. And there are, of course, many things that I must hang on to. But I do know the difference between sentimental attachment and things that are just infringing on our lifestyle. We're getting there one step at a time.

And speaking of one step at a time, The Child made a monumental step last night! He actually slept over at his friend's house! I know to many that may sound silly, but this kid has been attached to my hip for years now and suffers from a form of separation anxiety. And to actually agree to sleep at a friend's house is a giant leap forward! He is making such wonderful progress these past few months. He has been more helpful around the house, and not complaining about the additional duties that I have assigned to him. He is adapting well to a life of change, and I am so glad to see that because although I have a vision of where I want to be, and I know what steps it takes to get there, we always run into curves and detours along the way. It is a comfort to know that The Child is able to just go with it! Me? Not always so much!

I guess I'm not The Big Lebowski

2011-01-29T06:53:00.000-08:00

I'm a substitute bowler. Last night, I rolled with my sister's team.
My average was 69. LMAO!

The Sky is Indeed Falling!

2011-01-25T04:49:00.000-08:00

What the Heck?
It seems like everyone around me is enduring a major crisis at the moment!
Just what is going on? Did God forget to turn on his Turbulence Subsiding Machine?
Hang in there, my loved ones!

My Heart is So Heavy

2011-01-21T21:15:00.000-08:00

A friend of mine lost her husband nearly six months after I lost mine.
We have both been walking this long dark road, trying so hard to hold on to the good things and to not let the bad things break us in half.

It is a maddening road, this journey. If you've never walked it, you could never understand.
We are forced to try and remain strong, because that is all that is left to us aside from the memories left behind.

There are so many days when it would be so easy to just give up and let everything crumble around us. Some days we feel "What's the use? We climb and we climb and we climb, only to have the rug pulled out from under us." But then, along comes a good day, or a good moment, or a good person, and suddenly, we're back on track again.

I am just SO BLESSED to have such a supportive family and the most beautiful and loving friends a person could ever ask for. And it just breaks my heart to see my friend, this kindered spirit, going through such unnecessary pain and frustration simply because things have become blown out of proportion.

Neither of us had perfect husbands. They were human as the day is long, with faults and irritations and shortcomings. But they both had such a great love for life, and a great love for US. It made up for all of the bad stuff.

To see a family stoning this wonderful woman is just heartbreaking. They fail to see that she doesn't want - NEVER wanted your pity. But she DOES want - even NEEDS the support of family to continue walking this road.

Like our husbands, we too are imperfect. We're going to make mistakes on this journey that you will not always approve of or understand. Why? Because when you have lost the one person that you confide in when making all decisions, the choices get a little fuzzy sometimes. And even though you would be more than willing to be there and talk things through and help them make the decision that you feel is the right one, well, it may not be the right one for us. You see, that isn't the kind of support we need. The kind of support we really need is for you to help us make new memories to make life worth living.

And as we try to move forward in our lives, we are going to move on and there will be other men in our lives. Will they ever be as wonderful as our husbands? That is quite doubtful, but we can always hope.

One of the hardest slaps in the face that I have felt in these past ten months is hearing the words in a movie or in a book, or at a wedding "Till death do you part." Because it doesn't end when one of us dies. There is still a journey, and we are left trying to meld past present and future together to make it all worthwhile.

Don't be so quick to judge unless you've walked in our shoes. We are both dealing with very different issues, but many are similar. And I can't stand by and watch a family that can be so beautiful and strong and loving simply turn on a person who is hurting. I know you all are hurting too. I've never lost a sibling. And I pray that I won't see that day for some time to come. And I know it will tear me apart. I HAVE lost both of my parents, and I know that is a very tough journey as well. But to lose a spouse is an entirely different animal. It breaks you in ways you never thought possible.

So please! Stop the hating and the judging. You all have a lot of love in your hearts. Love isn't like a light switch. You can't just flip it from love to hate. You need to be patient. Because even though this is the worst journey ever, we will come out of it stronger and more reflective and more compassionate in the future. We just have to get through this tunnel of grief first.

Lets all move forward and feel good about all of the blessings we have. Anger won't get us anywhere. But love and hope will take us to the moon and beyond.

Pardon my poor grammar....

2011-01-14T12:48:00.000-08:00

The day started out with a small success, but it's been all down hill since that moment.
I want to scream to the heavens and rip my hair out right now.

The one person I could always talk things over with that I could always count on a good perspective from has been taken from me.

I no longer like this day. Go away, Day!

Climbing that hill....

2011-01-14T06:34:00.000-08:00

These past 9 and a half months have been quite a journey for both me and The Child. We have both had our ups and downs, and although the downs have been fewer, that does not by any means make them less severe.

I have seen dramatic improvement in The Child's attitude as we move forward. He has gotten away with a lot in these past few years because Hubby and I were so busy dealing with so many other things that we somehow only managed his behavior instead of grabbing it by the ears and examining it. I have been doing a lot of examining in these past six months and slowly setting an action plan into place. I have been putting more ownership of his behavior and his disciplines onto him so that he can be more independent. More chores, more social interaction, more discussion of how we are dealing with the things life throws at us. And I think it is helping him grow a lot. He needs to take responsibility for his actions.

We are to the point now where I need to keep an even more watchful eye on him and closely monitor his behavior at school. I have an action plan, and I believe he will do well with it.
We're making progress. To me, that makes all the difference in the world. We take our successes as they come. Small triumphs are still triumphs.

SO at this point, I don't have to quit my job and home school The Child. It is certainly a possibility in the future. But hopefully, if we stay on track, things will not need to go in that direction. Which is good, because I love my co-workers and my patients, and I need that successful feeling of making a difference in my patients lives. It helps to define who I am.

And I thought Oshkosh was greedy!

2011-01-04T14:57:00.001-08:00

I saw this in the Oshkosh Northwestern site and found it quite humorous:

Sidewalk amendment sought in Omro

OMRO – The Omro Common Council will consider an ordinance amendment tonight to have the city pay a larger portion of sidewalk replacement costs when it meets at 7 p.m.

Since the council changed the formula in 2002 to have property owners pay 70 percent and the city pay 30 percent, not a single new sidewalk has been installed, said City Administrator Linda Kutchenriter.

The old formula prior to 2002 had the city paying 70 percent and the property owner paying 30 percent. A new plan to share the cost 50-50 will be considered by the council. The meeting will be held in the lower level council chambers at City Hall, 205 S. Webster Ave.

Not a single sidewalk has been laid since they flipped the expenses. What a riot!

Come On, 2011!!!!

2010-12-31T07:43:00.001-08:00

I've never really been one for New Years Resolutions. I know I lack the discipline to keep them. But I can't help but have hope as this most awful year comes to a close and a new one looms around the corner with promise.

I wish I could make it a rule that no loved ones are allowed to die in 2011. But I already know that is a tough one that I don't have the power to inflict. And I do have a loved one who is battling cancer at this moment. So I know I need to thicken my hide and show all the love I can to that dear person for as long as I have to share with them.

I've been a total spaz this year, and rightly so. The changes have come as rapid as the emotions I feel while dealing with life in general. I'm not the same person I was a year ago. Certainly not the same person I was two years ago. I can't say that I 'm a better person, just a different person.

My house and the shape it is in has always reflected my emotions and the way I am looking at life in a particular day or week. I go through bouts of just not giving a damn, and my house gets all cluttered with stuff. And then suddenly I will start caring again and try to put Humpty Dumpty back together again, and then it gets overwhelming and I let it all go again.

I think my New Years Resolution ought to be to finish purging this house of stuff, and to dedicate a time daily to tend to housework. It's difficult to do this, though. Technically, I'm only here 3 hours a day, and when I get home from work, I'm totally spent.

But I want to find a better way. Whether it is changing jobs entirely, or cutting down on the hours I work at my current place of employ so that I actually have time for me and The Child. I need to do this. Something's gotta give. I can't keep juggling everything when I am emotionally and physically drained every day. Don't get me wrong. I LOVE my job. My coworkers are some of the most beautiful people I've ever met. And my patients are so dear to me. It's all of the administrative stuff that wears me to a nub.

2010 has been the shittiest year ever. If I had a time machine, I would go back to any year other than this one. There has just been too much loss and too many mountains to climb and too many emotions to work around.

I will try to take better care of my houseplants in 2011. The poor dears have been suffering at my hand this past year. I just don't have the attention span I had previously.

I want to finally finish the ceiling in my bedroom this next year, and paint my bathroom, and probably lay a new kitchen floor. Perhaps I should make a motto. Get 'er done in two oh one one!

I will try to be more positive and not let things shatter me like I allowed them to this year. After all, I can't stay on anti- anxiety meds forever. It's a bummer trying to remember to take them twice a day. And paying for regular doctor visits is only draining me financially. But hopefully I can claim all that and regain it back when I do taxes.

SO there you have it. I know there will be bad things in 2011. I know things will not become magically simple in this next year. But I will still look toward it with hope.

Happy New Year to all my loved ones who read my blog. You are all beautiful and very important. You all make a difference in my life and I would be lost without you!

No one said life is fair.....

2010-12-23T17:00:00.000-08:00

Had a patient call today who shares the exact same birthday as Hubby. I know it is just an ironic coincidence that is bound to happen now and again. But I needed someone to triage her symptoms and when Cindy asked how old the gal was, I almost said 44. Because she has the same birthday as Hubby. But, no, she got to turn 45. That hurts.

What a roller-coaster of a day! But I won't let it get me down.

Finding a better way

2010-12-23T04:35:00.000-08:00

That's the Aurora Motto.
My life is in transition at the moment, and that is exactly what I am doing. Finding a better way.

I received the sweetest card from a patient yesterday. It means a lot to me that I have touched someone's life so deeply that they felt the need to send a card to me and say so.

I'm really going to miss my patients. But hey! I'll run into them at the grocery store, or at Gallery Walk, or the Dollar Tree.

I have a line on something promising. If this pans out, we're golden!
Will say more next week! Stay tuned!!!

How Long Must I Be Prey To These Evil Grist Mongers?

2010-12-18T10:27:00.000-08:00

That's a favorite saying of Hubby's. When it would all hit the fan, he would stand in the middle of the living room and say this with his arms in the air.

It totally hit the fan yesterday. The Child was lining up with his classmates to come in for recess, and he was goofing around with the kid in front of him - a pal of his - and he pretended to choke this friend. Well, of course the Playground Supervisor saw this as a violent act and reported it to the principal, who in turn reported it to the superintendent, who now feels The Child is a danger to his classmates and must be suspended for the remainder of 2010.

As if I'm not challenged enough trying to find someone to watch him during Christmas Break. Now, they've added even more of a challenge to this already difficult situation.

I told my boss yesterday that it is looking like I am going to have to quit my job and home-school my son. I told her that I had hoped to keep my foot in the door, working only two days a week, so that come September, I could re-enroll him into public school, but at the moment, there are no 2 day a week openings. She is going to talk to HR about it. But if I quit, I will have to give three weeks notice in order to keep any benefits that I have in order. Not that I have a lot of benefits. But I do have vacation time building. That's sort of a non-issue at this point, cuz I'm using it up quickly with all of these shenanigans.

I don't like feeling like I am undependable. And I really don't like feeling like I've been shoved into a corner with nowhere to turn. I feel the school system has failed my child terribly. And putting him in a class room with troubled children is only going to elevate the problems The Child already has. He's not a bad kid. He's been through much more than any child his age and they refuse to acknowledge that his anger comes from things beyond his control.

But if I don't do all that I as a parent can do for him, then I will have failed him as well.
I need to keep positive and know that this is the vow I have taken in life. When you give birth to a child, your heart tells you that you must protect that child forever no matter what the risk is to yourself.

And, hey! It's only money we'll be lacking in. And we do have resources at hand. I think it's for the best right now.

Do I sound like I'm talking myself into this? Well, I guess I sort of am. Its scary jumping into the unknown, even though I know we will be okay, and that I am perfectly capable of doing this. Neither one of us really got to take a proper break to really grieve the loss of Hubby. We've been just trying to tread water and keep going. There is so much we need to work out in our hearts and our minds and I think it is only proper that we do this as a team, The Child and me. We will walk through this fire and come out stronger, smarter, and better for it.

Options

2010-12-14T05:03:00.000-08:00

There are always options in life. I'm not very pleased with the ones set before me at the moment regarding The Child. But I am leaning toward pondering the notion of Homeschooling him. The poor kid is going through so much and the Oshkosh School system is less than charitable with their sympathy and understanding.

Once again, they want to slam - dunk him into an ED program. It is either that, or I remove him from their system and do it myself. They have me up against a wall. And in the words of Patrick Swayze, Nobody puts Baby into a Corner.

It might be possible for me to keep my foot in the door of my current work place and still do this. I've much pondering to consider yet.

No decisions will be made until after the Holiday Season.

Here we go.....

2010-12-08T18:05:00.000-08:00

Today marks the anniversary of the day I lost a very good friend. Seven years ago, my dear friend Kathy suffered a major heart attack and passed away. Awful news to receive on my 40th birthday. And she wasn't much older than I am now.

And now, today, one of my favorite patients called to tell me that she has a form of cancer. It breaks my heart! I don't just help my patients, I LOVE my patients. They know that I walk that road beside them, sending hope and love along. This dear lady needs to fight like she has never fought before. For those of you who read my blog, please say a prayer for my dear friend and her family.

While Jim was walking his journey, this dear patient would stop by weekly to remind me that she was praying daily for him and my entire family. Her husband even joined us on the Aurora 5K Walk this past year in Team Brooks/Kuhr. And now.... let's just hope they caught it in time. I haven't read up much on the kind that she has. I sure do hope her odds are better than they had been to my family.

Tomorrow is my birthday. I never do well with Birthdays. You'd think I would be used to it by now. To me, they're all like mortality slapping me in the face, and THIS birthday is The Scary Birthday. The one each of my siblings have tip-toed through before me. This is the age that my mother passed away in. It scares the hell out of me.

On a positive note, I had three bananas that The Child failed to eat. As we speak, they are in the oven turning into yummy banana bread to be shared with my wonderful co-workers. I really do work with the best bunch of people. They are SO beautiful!!!

Tomorrow is also Donny Osmond's Birthday! Happy Birthday, You Hot Old Man!!! Many more to both of us, eh?

Ah, That Holiday Crush

2010-12-05T09:59:00.000-08:00

They call it "The Crush" because one finds themselves over-stressed with engagements, gift buying, family, deadlines, work, household, bills.....

I am to the point where all I want to do this year is stay home and make some mulled wine and get completely shit-faced and forget this holiday ever came to be.

My oldest son has me absolutely beside myself with anger. He refuses to move forward or open his eyes and see things the way the rest of us see them. So I guess I won't be seeing my grandson on his First Christmas. And at this point, I'm so angry, I don't even give a damn any more. I'm returning all the gifts I have purchased, and I'm turning off my phone and any social media whenever the mention of Christmas pops up.

I don't need this shit. This is my first Christmas without my husband. We spent 20 Christmases together. We had some beautiful traditions, and we muddled through the stress and bullshit together. And this year, it's ALL bullshit. And I don't need that in my life.

I have tried so hard to be supportive of my son in all that he is going through right now. Tried to offer a different point of view, given him a place to land while he gets his bearings, lent him money when it hit the fan, and loved him even when I felt his head was firmly implanted up his ass. And what do I get for all of this? A big fucking pile of negativity.

So Christmas is canceled in my book. No Kuhr Christmas. No Brooks Christmas. I'm through. Leave me the hell alone. I'm trying to get through this month in a positive manner and it's only slapping me in the face. I quit.

Pictures or GTFO

2010-12-04T06:08:00.000-08:00

I have neglected to post the "After" pictures here on my Blog of my Kitchen!
The counter used to have wire shelving on it to contain all of the crazy stuff that ends up in out in the kitchen. I decided that it is time for a more clean, down-scaled look to my counters.

This picture really shows how the ceiling color seemed to dictate what color the woodwork would be. It looks so clean and sunny! I love it!

I was going to bring that desk down to the basement, until I realized that after refinishing it a few summers ago, it is in much better shape than Grandma Ellie's Microwave Stand that had been in my kitchen for ages. So Grandma Ellie's Microwave Stand is now in the basement, and the desk is in the kitchen, which I think is a good thing. I still have easy access to my pen drawer without having to rearrange the entire world.

Yes, the Metal Island is back in the center of the kitchen. I'm not entirely happy about that, but it looked silly anywhere else I put it. And it is a wonderful surface for preparing meals or rolling out Christmas Cookies!

The Cabinet in the corner was originally in the Living Room. I need to make room for the Christmas Tree anyway, so I thought I may as well see how it looks in my kitchen for a while. I like that I put the Microwave on top of it. I feel I have easier access to the microwave with it more at eye level. And Jerry really likes having the Soda Fridge at his eye level.

I still haven't quite decided what to do with the Stove / Refrigerator wall and the Sink area. They still don't look all that great because I just haven't given them enough thought yet. But I will. And when I take action, I will post more pictures.

One thing that does make me happy is that I have removed the cabinet that sat between the stove and fridge. It's a nice cabinet for baking pans and such, and there really does need to be something between the stove and fridge so that the oven doesn't kill the fridge, but that thing is just too damned wide! I don't like making guests wiggle between the sink and stove to get to the bathroom. There needs to be proper access.

I don't think I'll accomplish much more on this project today. I'm quite sick. Sinusitis and pharyngitis have taken over in the past 24 hours and it's just crazy! I have never lost my voice before. EVER! And I don't understand how a bacterial illness can go as viral as this one has. All I did was work between two women who had it and blamm-o! It's crazy!

So, instead of going to a cookie exchange party as I had planned today, I will be off to the Quick Care for some antibiotics and a vaporizer. Yay.

It's Pay It Forward Day

2010-12-01T04:42:00.000-08:00

I am going to make a difference in someone's life today. There is a lot of sadness in the world today. The Birthday of someone's loved one, day two of hospice for a patient I know. It saddens me. And yet I always - ALWAYS - remember how blessed I am to have so many wonderful people in my life who have been willing to help make this journey worth taking.

It is my obligation to do something special for a random person today. To shatter their stress level if only for a portion of their day. Isn't that really why we are here on this earth any way?

Did I Say Painting Could Lead to Dancing?

2010-11-25T05:14:00.000-08:00

Oh my! I woke up this morning, thinking about my kitchen and how nice it will look once I get it all put back together. And then Istarted thinking about how awful the floor looks. And how nice the kitchen would look with slate and berry colored tiles.... oh, this is truly endless!

I took a talley this morning and realized that I have already sunk $100 into painting alone. So if I DO redo the floor, I am going to be cost-conscious. No need to sink a bundle into it.

But that sounds like a great deal of backbreaking labor. I think I'll move onto the bathroom first and come back to the kitchen later. Maybe that will be my Christmas Gift to myself - flooring from Menards or Lowes. It does sound like a good January project.

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone out there. I am thankful for so many loved ones in my life. I am thankful for my kids and my beautiful grandson Liam. For my family who have been so supportive of me on this journey. For my silly kitten who gets tutored tomorrow who presently is laying on my right hand, making it difficult to type ... but he's purring and looking oh so sweet. You'd never know he spent the night "in Jail" for being so sassy, allowing Miss Oc the luxury of snuggling me all night. Yes, I am blessed!

The Light at the End of The Tunnel

2010-11-24T19:26:00.001-08:00

I spent the majority of last night scrubbing away grease and grime, and patching the last wall of my kitchen. Wow. It was bad. But tonight, I decided to see if I could move the refrigerator by myself without having to get the Sliding Robots (a Godsend for anyone who loves to rearrange large furniture - available at Menards.) Well, it actually moved quite easily! That was exactly the second wind I was hoping to find in this project!
(The Last Wall!)

I finished patching behind the fridge, and waited an hour, and put primer on both those walls.
After an hour of watching The Walking Dead, I got out the yellow paint and got a coat of that on the wall as well tonight. Sadly, I'm now out of yellow paint. I'll need to stop at the Hardware store after we get Young Cracker to the Vet on Friday for his Tutoring Lesson.

(The first Wall. Yeah, I still need to organize yet)

I am so glad this project is nearing closure! I can spend the day Friday getting one more coat on this wall, and then I can start organizing and eliminating even more.

I needed this. Considering that a year ago today, we were on the worst part of Jim's Journey. That has been on my mind all day today. But it helps to have something to keep my hands busy and to feel a bit of success instead of feeling like I'm just treading water. Now would be a great time to post The Fanny Pack Song By Swim You Bastard, but alas, youtube has never heard of it. LOSERS!!!

Is it any wonder that I'm painting?

2010-11-23T17:23:00.000-08:00

My November project is my kitchen. It seems to be taking forever. It started with me thinking about finally replacing the ceiling tiles that were so worn and ugly that it looked more like Grey Gardens. Which lead to painting and scrubbing, and scrubbing and painting. My kitchen has some redeeming qualities, but also some very bad qualities, and I'm afraid it's gone down hill through the years because Hubby and I could never agree on what to do to improve it. And because it was his domain, I left it be for many many years.

So now, I am diving in and taking it in chunks. I can only paint one wall at a time because there is too much stuff in there. And as I go, I am cleaning and eliminating so much stuff. I've cleaned out the pantry for the second time since Hubby passed away and came out with two more bins of stuff to eliminate. It's endless. Painting woodwork leads to washing and re-hanging curtains. Taking down the spice rack lead to scrubbing each container. It just keeps on going.

I am on the last wall now. The wall where the stove and fridge live. Wow. I saved the worse for last. It's pretty grubby back there beneath the appliances. And I found 3 of Hubby's favorite knives laying behind the stove as well as old containers of spices, giant dust bunnies and a mountain of grease. Well, okay,maybe not a mountain, but definitely hills! It's going to take a lot of scrubbing before I can get to the actual painting part of this wall. It's quite yucky. But I need to keep mindful of how wonderful it is going to be when it is finished. And hopefully I will get the painting part completed on Friday.

I keep trying to picture the completed project. Keeping my eye on the prize. I'm not going to sink much money into this project. I just want it to be a clean and scaled down kitchen. It;s getting there.

I'm grateful for such a project, though. It is great therapy. Especially for this time of year.
And the rewards will be my sanity and a sparkling clean kitchen!

Top 10 things I hate about this Holiday Season

2010-11-23T15:02:00.000-08:00

This is an especially tough time for me. They say the holidays are an especially difficult time for a person grieving the loss of a loved one. They're not kidding. I've upped my meds and I'm still a fecking roller-coaster of emotion.

So here they are. My Top Ten (today, at least) reasons why I hate this holiday season.

10. The Andy / Lindsey Drama that is creating great havoc in an already stressed family. The childish lying and fighting and name calling and careless hurting of people that I love is pushing all of us to the brink of canceling Christmas altogether.

9. Christmas Music. Every time I hear O Holy Night or any other song that Jim and I sang in the church choir, I want to find a bathroom and just have an emotional melt-down.

8. The Duality of it all. Last year the Holiday season was a blur of sadness and stress. This year, there is the stress of the here and now, but there is also the oh too vivid flashbacks to last year as well.

7. Shopping for gifts has always been a difficult thing for me. I never know what to buy anyone and I always fear that they will think I'm a lame gift giver. I don't have Hubby's input this year. Even though he hated Christmas Shopping more than I do, we got through it. This year, I'm on my own to fend off the attitudes of other shoppers and store clerks.

6. Passing a Christmas Tree Lot that we used to buy our Christmas Trees from each year. I always hated having a real tree, but Hubby always insisted on a real one, and somehow, he always managed to make hunting for one a special event. It was the furthest thing from my mind tonight, when suddenly, I went past the tree lot and had to hold back tears.

5. Seeing so many wonderful gifts that I could buy for Hubby were he still here. For years we didn't buy each other gifts because we never had the cash once we finished buying for every one else on our list. It was only in the past few years that I insisted that we start buying each other meaningful gifts, and I think it helped us to get through the holidays with our sanity intact because we were looking forward to seeing the look on each others faces when exchanging gifts.

4. I won't be able to watch It's a Wonderful Life or Holiday Inn without crying my eyes out. I had never seen It's a Wonderful Life before I met Hubby. Our first Christmas together, we picked out The Christmas Tree From Hell. It was so awful, we had to wire the top of it to the wall so it wouldn't fall over! As we were decking the tree, It's a Wonderful Life came on TV and it instantly became a tradition to deck our tree while that movie was on. And Holiday Inn is one of those movies that we always searched for late at night and stayed up watching it while snuggling on the couch together. This year is gonna SUCK!

3. Jerry doesn't believe in Santa any more. My baby has had to grow up so fast in the past year and it just breaks my heart.

2. Gin from Lakeview Cemetery called me tonight while I was on my way home from work. I let it go to voice mail, but listening to the voice mail, I had to choke back tears because she was inviting us to a vigil at the mortuary where everyone who has lost a loved one this year is supposed to bring an ornament and place it on their tree in honor of that loved one. How the hell am I supposed to go and mingle with a bunch of grieving strangers and retain some dignity?

1. My Grandbaby's First Christmas is also my first Christmas without my husband. I hate that more than anything. Especially with things being so messed up in his life right now.

I know, I know. This sounds like one hell of a Pity Party. But this is reality. I am trying so hard to press forward and keep positive. I don't want to drag The Boy down into depression as well.
I think next year, The Child and I are going to go into seclusion - at least for Thanksgiving. I just don't want to walk this road year after year. We're gonna shake it up and do something different. These are survival tactics and we need them!

Painting can only lead to dancing....

2010-11-19T05:08:00.001-08:00

I have been painting my kitchen slowly but surely for the past few weekends. It is quite a project because I have so much furniture in that room.

It just makes sense to pull stuff away from one wall at a time, paint the wall, paint the trim, give it a second coat, sometimes a third, and then move on to the next wall.

That in itself sounds like a big project. But it is also leading to many other big projects. It prompted me to clean out my pantry and part with two more big boxes of stuff that we will never use.

And it lead to cleaning out the cat boxes and a total scrub down of the floor beneath, and re-organizing the kitty litter supplies.

And now, I'm thinking about completely swapping out furniture in there. That room is so crowded and uninviting. But if I move the big cabinet into the dining room, that will be major work as well. Do I have it in me? My back is already threatening to rebel on me. And will I be happy with the result?

And I REALLY ought to disassemble the window and take it in for repair. But that would be a real pain to do.

Ah, decisions, decisions! But I have a 3 day weekend to ponder / accomplish some goals!

Duality

2010-11-06T07:33:00.000-07:00

It's November already. Crazy.
Things have been quite stressful at work lately. There are a lot of rapid changes in progress right now and I REALLY don't need any more change in my life right now.

There are days when I feel like I'm on a plane of duality. I could tell you exactly where I was and what I was doing a year ago today, and I can tell you what I have planned for tomorrow all at the same moment. It's tough because I know I need to try to stay positive and keep going forward.

So I'm passively looking for a different job. There's not much out there right now, unless I want to work all hours of the day and night or do seasonal stocking for Christmas. But it IS nice to know that I could chuck it all to the wind and take some low paying job and still have spouse's benefits to fall back on if my income were to go lower than what I make right now.

In the mean time, thanks to Sis-in-Law Tania, I have new tiles up on the ceiling in my kitchen. That needed to be done five years ago, but Hubby and I could never agree on how much effort we wanted to put into repairing the kitchen and what direction to take. He wanted to go modern hi-tech and I wanted to stay with the old-world charm of the house. So now it's just me. I guess I get to do it my way. Now if only I could decide on colors!!! (I think I'm narrowing it down!).

Just having a new ceiling in that room makes a world of difference. It feels cleaner and healthier. But it makes the walls look ancient! Can't wait to get to painting! But there is a lot of patching to be done first.

So it's off to the Hardware store this morning again. I'm surprised they don't all yell "Hey! Brenda's here!" They all ought to know me by name by now! But I'm glad that I have so many projects to complete. It keeps me sane!

Wizards, Whiskey and Whatnot

2010-10-31T10:27:00.000-07:00

I went out to the pub last night. It was the first time in 20 years I've been out on Halloween Weekend. Hubby never liked crowds.

Crazy Ivan was playing down at Surf City and I really wanted to see my Brother-in-law belt out some great tunes while wearing a Gnome Costume and I was not disappointed in the least! They sounded amazing and their costumes were so cute it was a shame they weren't included in the costume contest!

I love that so many people put so much thought into their costumes! There was a Little Red Riding Hood and a Big Bad Wolf, Mister Dick Head, The Queen of Hearts, a female Fire Fighter... just too cute! My sis was a Chocolate Covered Bon- Bon, and my son was at least for one night, a Doctor! Well, okay, he was a Gyno Doctor, but a Doctor none-the-less!

I was a Gypsy. A Pikey Traveler. An easy costume to put together with stuff I had in the house.

It's really a shame that Hubby didn't like crowds, because he loved live music, and he would have been so proud of his brother! Jay and his band are amazing! The range of songs they do is fabulous.

Each time I hear them do Diamonds and Rust, it brings me back to the days when our band was still playing. It's hard to believe it's been ten years since then. I traded in my microphone for my Jerry, and have no regrets about that. But because of those "Good Old Days", I am blessed with an extended family that I would never trade for anything.

So.... it's nearly one in the afternoon, and I'm sitting here in my jammies and hubby's housecoat. Normally that would sound appalling, but we were up until five, allowing Myke and Rick time to sober up enough to drive. My big accomplishment for the day will be taking The Child Trick-or-Treating. And then maybe a late nap! Heh!

Note To Self for Next Halloween....

2010-10-29T19:50:00.000-07:00

I really didn't want to wait until the 11th hour to get around to carving pumpkins.
And yet here I am, two nights before Halloween, and I finally carved the first of 3 pumpkins.

A few things I would like to remind myself next year....
Don't leave the pumpkins on the porch and bring them in and start carving right away. My hands were FREEZING!!!!!

I need to remember to bring them inside to warm up a bit first!

Another thing to remember is that I'm too damned old to sit on the kitchen floor to do this!
I felt like a gimp trying to stand up and not touch anything with my gooey pumpkin hands!

But then again, We've made many changes here in the past few months. Maybe by this time next year I will have decided that I want a table in the kitchen again. Who knows?

I also want to remember the cool ideas that I found on the This Old House web site about carving decorative pumpkins. I've lost ambition this year already, but it would be cool to try.

Also, The Child isn't so much into the carving portion of pumpkin carving as he enjoys helping to design them and seeing the finished product. And thank heaven for that! I don't really like the idea of him using a giant knife!!!

He also says he likes pumpkin seeds.... but I know he will only sample a few and I can share the rest with my loved ones!

Happy Halloween every one!

I actually get to go out to a bar tomorrow night and see my Bro-in-Law's band play!
I am so excited about this! I haven't been to a bar on Halloween Weekend in 20 years!
It's gonna be a blast!

Boy on the Bus

2010-10-11T18:24:00.000-07:00

So this kid gets on the bus today. He's about 7 feet tall, built like a refrigerator, and he's wearing electric blue shorts, an Apple Red T-Shirt, with a plaid jacket.

I'm thinking "Hmmm.Going for the super hero look today,Bud?"

And then he sits down and pulls out a comic book to read!

Am I psychic or what? LOL!

Where did my Get-up-and Go go?

2010-09-26T19:03:00.000-07:00

Wow! It was a nice weekend!
I didn't get a lot accomplished around the house, but I had a fire last night with family and friends.
It was a nice night to sit out back and enjoy the sounds of nature - unfortunately, Octavia's endless hunting of a baby bunny provided most of those sounds of nature!

My friend Robin just became a grandma for the second time today. Little Amaia is going to bring joy to a family who truly deserves to have some joy right now.

We went shopping today and found matching collars for our kitty's. Leopard print looks great on both of them! Oc is actually accepting it better than Cracker. He is not a happy boy. But it's a good distraction for him. He spends most of his time trying to wrestle with Octavia. And I think he outweighs her by a good 4 pounds - and he's only 5 months old! He's gonna be a BIG kitty!
Funny thing is, when The Child went to fetch the kittys to put on their collars, they were both upstairs sleeping on his bed! Hmmmm.

Now that I take time to ponder, though, I guess I did accomplish some good things this weekend. As well as some housework, I chopped down half of my grapevines because they were clinging to a cable wire. In the high winds we got last week, they were really whipping around. I'll be sad to have to chop the rest down in just a few weeks, but I know I need to if I want to get a new coat of stain on those steps before winter.

The crappy thing is, I'm getting a cold on top of all the other health issues I've been wrestling with. I know it's just the stress of September. Too many things to reflect on. I wish I could just hibernate this entire month. Maybe I ought to consider going to Ireland next September. Drown my sorrows at an Irish pub. Feed on greasy food, stay in a nice B&B.... maybe even a restored public castle! That would be cool. We'll see.

Here's to hoping this next week goes by in a blur. No drama. No tears.

Hugs!

Happy Birthday, Mom!

2010-09-18T20:36:00.000-07:00

Mom would have been 72 today. That is, had she lived beyond 47.
It may seem odd to some that we decided to plan a family gathering for today. After all, it's not her 50th, 60th or 70th. But with all that we've been walking through this past year, this is the best time to get together and enjoy the company of our loved ones.

It was a great turnout too! We had siblings, children of siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins. Awesome!

I only wish I were feeling better so that I could have tipped a few for the heavens. But that just wasn't in the cards today. My body has been rebelling all week what with all of the stress I've been trying to manage since this month began. Of all things, I'm passing kidney stones! Who'da thunk!?

It must be all the soda I've been drinking lately. I hadn't touched soda in ages, except for the occasional mix drink. But lately, it's becoming a bad habit again. But of course, they also list stress as a cause for kidney stones. Heh.

It was nice catching up with the Aunties, tho. We don't get to see them often enough. They are all beautiful as ever, inside and out.

And The Child was wonderfully patient with me. I hadn't planned to stay as long as we did. Grandma was going to take him for the day, but I said "Oh, that's okay. We won't stay long". Six hours later, we finally left for home! I told #1 Son that I don't think I've spent six hours in a pub drinking soda since I was twelve!

We need to get together on a regular basis. We've talked often about gathering at Nigl's one Saturday a month. I think we need to make a conscious effort to do just that. It was fun. And you can't beat the free food! Maybe we ought to start bringing side dishes!

Happy Birthday, Mom. I still miss you. I miss the conversations we would have over games of 500 Rummy. And the theatrically comical look on your face when you'd win. I miss the way you looked at the world. You were so beautiful. I'll bet you and Jim are having some great conversations about me and the rest of the family. Please excuse his cuss words. That's just the way he is. Hus mouth is foul, but his heart is pure. I know you'll love him just as much as I do, and vise- versa. I hope he hugs you for me often!

Almost 21 years

2010-09-15T15:02:00.000-07:00

September 16th would have been Jim & My 10th Wedding Anniversary. It's been a hard (Week/ Month / Year - hell, choose one and go with it!) here at Kuhrsville. Along with all of the many things happening, I also find myself reflecting on all of the wonderful memories that Jim gave me.

We met in 1989, in Myke Miller's basement. My dear friend Sandy invited me to go and see their band practice that night. I was engaged to someone else at the time, but that relationship was going south at that moment. I was getting the notion that my fiance was seeing somebody else from work, and he was treating both me and young Andy like we were excess baggage. So it felt good to get out for the night and get drunk and sing my heart out. I truly had myself a case of the blues!

As the night progressed, everybody was starting to lose their ability to play their instruments, so we packed it in for the night and went upstairs to party. I found myself spending most of the night talking with Jim. We had a lot in common, and as you know, no one could hold a conversation better than Jimmy! I kept thinking to myself "This guy is SO SWEET! And I am engaged to SUCH an ASSHOLE!" It made me go home and really re-evaluate my relationship, and hit the problems head-on.

My fears were confirmed. My fiance was indeed interested in a new co-worker, and wanted me out of his life so that he could get together with her. It was a hard but clean break-up. I kept a positive outlook, and was ready to start a new life on my own. (He married her 6 months later, and she divorced him the next year. Karma!)

But then, a few months later, Sandy again called me and said "Can you get a babysitter this weekend? Doug Nelson said he was going down to Slade's."

My response was "I'll go, but only if Doug invites his friend Jim along."

Poor Jimmy didn't stand a chance! Wherever I sat, my friends made sure the seat beside me was the only one available to him. And before long, he fell prey to my charms and asked me for my number.

Our first official date was on September 16, 1989. From there, it was full speed ahead. I had a major crush on him. Hell, he was so damn CUTE! And he had the sexiest phone voice ever. But I think what really made me fall hard for him was when he brought his guitar over and was playing for me. I noticed that when he was really concentrating hard on what he was playing, he'd stick his tongue out the side of his mouth like a little puppy. Stick a fork in me. I wanted to keep him forever!

The band was definitely an added bonus to our relationship. I had always wanted to sing in a band and make the songs I'd written come to life. And everyone quickly became just like family. I'd give a kidney to any one of them if they needed one. There was always music, laughter and a lot of love when we got together.

After most couples live together for 11 years, they pretty much figure that's the arrangement for life. But Jim and I never did follow the text book on anything. After a surprise pregnancy, and then having a miscarriage at 4 months along (they say once you get past 3 months you're safe from those - but not for me), we had decided that we really needed to try again and have a baby, and do it the right way. So we started planning for both a baby and a wedding. And lo and behold, the anniversary of our first date just happened to fall on a Saturday that year!What a perfect date for a wedding!

It was a small wedding. Only close friends and family were invited. We didn't care about the cards or gifts. We just wanted to share our day with our loved ones. And it was perfect.... well... almost. The sound system went haywire at the church during our ceremony and I had to run back and fix the control panel. And our unity candle didn't want to light....and our Best man almost passed our cold on the altar.... but all in all, we were so happy, nothing could rain on our parade.

We took great care in choosing the music for our wedding. We had the German version of Ave Maria to walk down the aisle to. And we wanted a song by Tuck and Patti to exit the ceremony to. After combing through hundreds of favourites, we both agreed on this one:

It seemed to say it all for us.

I was thinking about this song this morning at work and had to stop myself. For me, it reminds me just how dearly Jim really loved me. I could be the biggest bitch in the world, but he still stood beside me, willing to work it all out and make things better. He angered me so often, and yet he could turn around and be the most loving and beautiful person I had ever encountered.

Our last anniversary together was not a good one. Although it was filled with love, it was also filled with a lot of fear. Jim had his spleenectomy on the 9th (Yes, Marty, you picked a bad day to leave us). That was just one week prior to our anniversary. Once again, I had almost lost him to poor health. And our anniversary was filled with doctor appointments and post-op visits.

He had to see the urologist that day as well. And as we rode the elevator down to the parking lot, he said "Damn! She stuck her finger up my butt too!"

My response was "She Did? Well Happy Anniversary, Honey!"

The saddest part about losing someone you've spent 21 years with is that even though time does heal, it also moves you further along the time-line from that point that the two of you had together. It creates a distance from everything that the two of you shared. Life goes on and changes sometimes subtly and sometimes in drastic ways, but it keeps evolving until that common point in time that you shared with your loved one no longer exists in the present. I think that's what hurts the most. I know I'll keep going. I know there will someday be romance in my life again. But if I had my druthers, I'd find a worm hole and jump back in time and savour every moment with him.

I refuse to spend Thursday feeling sorry for myself. I'm going to go to work and keep busy, and I already have plans to go out for dinner and drinks with my sisters. They have been so amazing and supportive on this journey. I would be so lost without them.

So Happy Anniversary, Love. I know from all of the many signs that you're watching over me. Thank you for all those crazy years with you. Thank you for loving me when you should have just had me committed. For taking care of me and letting me think it was the other way around. For all of the amazing conversations we shared. For all of your fabulous meals and for every bottle of wine we shared. For sharing your uber-amazing friends with me. For helping to raise my Andy with all the love that a true father could give, and for helping me to create our Jerry who is the driving force for me to keep going forward. I really am very blessed.

So Long, Old Friend

2010-09-10T18:53:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I had to say goodbye to a dear friend that I've known nearly half my life. How does one write a loving tribute to someone who has left such a mark on one's life? I met Marty the same night that I met the love of my life. And who'd have thunk that they would meet in heaven 21 years later in less than 6 months?

We don't live in the greatest neighborhood in town, but for the many years that Marty and Kim lived just up the street, this place was a much warmer place to be. We'd be invited to their kids birthday parties surrounded by their family, and it always left us feeling honored to be included.

I remember years ago sitting at Field's Restaurant listening to Marty telling us that he was going to start a Karaoke Business and thinking "But Marty! Karaoke's a fad! It can't last!" Boy was I wrong! Karaoke allowed him and his beautiful wife to feed their family all these many years and to help them afford a beautiful home that anyone would be proud to live in. He was a visionary and once he made his mind up about something, it didn't matter if someone played the devil's advocate. Your negative fears weren't going to burst his bubble. Where there's a will, there's a way, and Marty always found that way.

He had a very warped sense of humor which offended some, but endeared many. He was always willing to speak his mind, but he did it with a sense of humor so you had to listen, laugh, and then think "No shit! you've really got a point!"

A good 5 years ago, I had decided that I wanted to walk off my weight. Marty volunteered to be my walking buddy. We'd walk for an hour each day, and got further and faster with each week. And as we walked, we got to hold a lot of conversations. He'd say "I like this! When we come over to visit, you don't always say much cuz Jimmy and I are too busy talking. Now, I'm getting to hear your point of view on stuff too." And then suddenly, he'd run off behind some stranger's house to take a quick leak, and we'd be on our way walking again. What a nut!

At a time when Jim was feeling restless with the direction his life was going, Marty got him out in a restaurant cooking for the masses. Although there was a great deal of drama through that ordeal, Jim was able to make some new friends that would prove to be truly caring people, and working there gave Jim a renewed sense of purpose. Jim always wanted to open his own restaurant, and in working with Marty, he learned more than he thought he could. And of course he was thrilled to know that he was able to teach Marty a few good cooking tricks as well. They made a great team.

Life-long friends that they were, they loved talking about the old days, and spent a great deal of time playing music they shared a deep common interest in. To some, T-Rex and Pink Floyd had great mainstream hits. To Jim and Marty, those mainstream hits were crap. It was the rest of the albums that were gold. They could sing every word of Pink Floyd's "Careful with that Ax, Eugene", and would then ponder for hours about what was going through Marc Bolan's mind when he wrote various T-Rex songs they listened to repeatedly. I really never understood the T-Rex thing. But they did.

Our door has always been open to friends and family, and Marty often took advantage of that policy, showing up at all hours for a good cup of coffee. If there was none ready, I gladly made some. He'd sip his coffee, catch up on what was new with us, fill us in on his day's goals, then stand, fart, and vacate the premisis. That was the magic of Marty.

He loved a good prank. And I can think of many - one of which that still makes me giggle, but I simply cannot share with the general public. But it involves an Ab-Lounger. Poor Jimmy!

Marty was a man of tradition as well. One Memorial Day, years back, His good friend Herman said he was going to be out at the park with his kids. Marty and Kim packed up a picnic basket and joined him for a lovely day. That quickly turned into what Marty coined as "Hermanfest". Each year it grows bigger and bigger. Loved ones would always be welcome to join. I hope this tradition continues. Marty would want that. It was hard for me to go this year without Jim at my side, but I am so glad that I did.

Along with his silly side, there was also a beautiful devoted friend side to Marty. The first time Jim had his Hemalitic Anemia, it was Marty and Kim to the rescue, racing us off to the emergency room. And they stayed until things were sorted and he was on his way back to recovery. And the off-color jokes that Marty and Doug made in that little emergency exam room helped Jim to regain focus.

When Jim grew ill this last time, I know how much it saddened all of us, and still, I could count on all of our good friends to help. Marty was always so busy keeping his own life moving and shaking, but was never too busy to lend a hand. If only we could have known during the Benefit that Marty and Kim and so many loved ones put on for Jim that six months later..... It's just too absurd to even comprehend! And even though it wasn't the intention, without the funds raised at that benefit, I would still be paying for Jim's funeral.

After Jim passed, I know it was hard for Marty to stop in here for a cup of coffee. And yet he still did on occasion just to see how I was doing. Out of the blue one day, he said "You have to marry again. And don't wait forever. Do it soon. Jim doesn't want you to be alone. Don't worry about what friends and family say. You deserve to be happy." It was a very unexpected conversation, but I really appreciate that it took place.

This past Sunday night, on a whim, my sister Barb and I decided to go out. The Boathouse was supposed to have a live band, and it sounded like fun. But when we got there, the band canceled due to rain. So while we sat there having a cocktail, for some reason, I decided to text Marty and see if there was a Karaoke show going on. He told us to come on down to PJ's.

My sis and I had a fun time there, and Marty wouldn't let me leave without singing a song or two, even though I warned him that I am way out of practice.

Before we left, I gave him a big hug and a kiss on the cheek and told him I love him. I am so glad I got the chance to do that now. Maybe there was an angel whispering in my ear that night. I never dreamed that 4 days later he would be gone.

But he lived to ride on that silly scooter. It was one of his passions. And if he had to choose what way he would leave this world, it would have been this way. For those of us who are forced to say good-bye so soon to him, it is a difficult journey. We can mourn our loss, but we cannot mourn for him. Marty lived a wonderful life filled with joy and love. He deserves to be exemplified and celebrated.

Hugs to you, Marty. And God Speed. Give Jimmy a kiss for me. I know you'll do it full- on- the lips!

Don't pop my Balloon!!!!!!

2010-09-03T18:16:00.000-07:00

This past week has been challenging to say the least.
Work was absolute mayhem day after day. And then I would get to come home to more drama.

Did I mention in my former post that just when I think things are going great someone would take the wind out of my sails? Well, guess what? Once again, I'm not disappointed.

Just let me say that NO ONE - Not you, or you, or YOU are allowed to judge me or the shape that my house is in until you actually learn how to make a real relationship last for more than 20 years, and then have to watch that love of your life slowly die and then find yourself alone in a house filled with everything that the love of your life adored and are left with the task of wading through all of that stuff with the intent of minimalizing it all and assembling some sort or organization to it all. This is the hardest task ever put to me. And it has to be me. I can't let someone else decide what stays and what goes, what is garbage and what is rummage.

And atop of all that, I am also trying to work full time, and am also trying to build a new life here for me and Jerry. I can't do that if I'm wading through memories and tears every day. We need to look forward some before we can look back. I dance to my own rhythm these days. I do things in my own time. And if that's not good enough for some people, then kiss my ass.
As Jim always said, "If you want to come visit with me, come on over! But if you want to come look at the house, then come when we're gone!"

Autumn is Looming

2010-08-24T17:22:00.000-07:00

The days are getting cooler now. And I guess I really don't mind so much. The cooler weather motivates me to accomplish more. When it is stifling hot, I end up mostly laying on the couch with the laptop thinking about the stuff I ought to be accomplishing and then when I would get up and try to accomplish them, I'd start sweating.... and then along comes a hot flash and I sweat even harder, and I feel like a big disgusting sweat puddle! It's awful!

Now that it's cooler, my house is getting cleaner, my yard is more organized, the cardboard in my garage has been charred away in the burn pit, and I'm making headway.

Life keeps chugging along here. Just when I think I'm on an upswing, and am able to look to the future, something or someone comes along and pulls the rug out from under me. It's a slow process,but I'll get there.... wherever the hell there is.

With all of the challenges that I have faced in the past year, and even those ongoing challenges, I am trying to keep a positive attitude. Life is something you must embrace and be a full participant in. If you don't, it keeps going, but with less flavour.

The Child starts school next week. That causes me great anxiety. It turns out he'll be going to the school up the street again after all. But there will be a new principal, and hopefully she will be worth her salt. Last year's was the worst ever! I told The Child that we need to be positive about this. He can and will do the work and walk the walk. I may need to double up on anxiety meds to get through this, but I won't let my child down. He's a neat kid and deserves a fair shake at life. I want him to feel like he can achieve anything if he wants it badly enough. Because that really is how the world works.

I got to see Son #1 play in a Battle of the Bands this past weekend. What a proud moment for me! And I know Hubby was cheering from the heavens for him as well. And #1 Son invited The Child to attend. He was sooooo flattered that his big brother invited him to be a part of something major in his life. That's really cool!

There's a lot of love surrounding me. I'm pretty damn lucky!

Now.... time to get more Ninja on this house and whip it into better shape!

First Annual Sisters Weekend

2010-08-15T10:58:00.000-07:00

My sisters and I have been trying to get away and let 'er rip for at least a year now.
We had plans to do this last year, but before we could solidify plans, Hubby had his spleenectomy, and, well, of course it was all down hill from there.

But this year, instead of planning for months, my sis asked me a few weeks ago if I was up for doing this some time in September. I said no. September holds too many anniversaries of major events in my life and I don't know that I'll be up to partying. So I asked if they would be up to it in August, and even though Cousin Terri backed out of the plans, my 2 sisters and I went ahead with it.

We booked a suite at the Copper Leaf Hotel and what a room it was! Very comfortable, clean and accommodating! And the staff is impeccable!

After we checked in, I realized that I had forgotten to pack something to wear in the whirl pool. So we simply had to go shopping! I've never been to Kohls, and I found some very cute stuff on sale there, but no swim suit. So, we went to Walmart and found a suit, and some booze and munchies for our room!

By the time we had our shopping completed, we were all starving, so we headed to Good Company for dinner. They make a very good Cajun Steak there. And we all also tried a "Fantasy Island" which is rum, blue curacao and some other booze. It was a bit tart for my liking.

After dinner, we came back to our room for a cocktail while we got dressed up for the night.

With Bonnie's car, safely tucked in for the night, we headed on foot to the pubs of College Avenue.

Our first stop was The Durty Leprechaun. I think this could become my new favourite pub.
When we arrived, we found that the bartenders have uniforms to compliment the Irish motif of the pub. Very cute. And one bartender in particular has a real flair for mixing drinks and was quite entertaining (click on the link for a video!). By nine, it was time for a shift change, though. The replacements were two young gals wearing short plaid skirts, and tank tops.... the men REALLY packed the place at that time!
Sorry for the poor clarity of the photos, they were taken with my cell phone and I was trying to be discreet!

We headed next to The Bad Badger. A newer pub that wasn't nearly as busy and didn't really impress me much.

Cleo's is a very fun place. There are millions of Christmas ornaments and decorations and lights hanging from the ceiling which really creates a fun atmosphere.

The place was packed, and the crowd was much more around our age. But because it was so packed, it was also hard to get a bartender's attention. Not fun. But we did get a laugh out of all the men who were casually dressed in flippies which accentuated the fact that they often wear shorts with socks in the sun because the tan ends there! Sexy! Sister Barb coulda got lucky there!

Throughout the night, Bonnie and I took turns taking pictures and texting Cousin Terri. She couldn't join us, but she got a play-by-play description of every silly moment of the evening.

After we left Cleo's, we went over to Park Central to see if there was music worthy of dancing to. By this time of night, people are coming into full swing, and the crowd both inside and outside of Park Central were wholly entertaining! (As was the Subway Employee who happened to be outside smoking. He told me about the dance club up the street and said they actually have poles on the dance floor!)

As we went to leave Park Central, there was a chubby gal standing outside with a group who was wearing a tight short skirt and fish net stockings. I said to Sister Bon "So,do you think I could pull that off?"

Without missing a beat, she says "Well, you could, but she might fight you!"

Next, I was determined to go to said dance place and make Sister Barb do a pole dance, but Sister Bon decided it was whirl pool time instead. So we headed up to our room, poured a shitload of rum into a 2 liter Pepsi bottle, and headed down to the whirlpool!

It was a great way to wind down the evening.

Silly Cousin Terri thought she was waking me by texting replies at 7:30 this morning, but I was already awake and contemplating the day ahead!

We lazed around for a few hours watching HGTV, and whinging that our coffee maker didn't work. Once we all showered, we headed down to our complimentary breakfast, which wasn't bad. And they had 8 different selections of coffee for us! Yay!!!

Then, it was off to Gordman's because Barb and I had never been there before. I spent far too much money shopping this weekend, but damn it, this is a splurgy weekend, and I couldn't resist the cute clothes!

At about that time, my great lack of sleep was starting to catch up with me, so I was glad we were all ready to head home!

Special thanks to Andy and Lindsey for watching The Child for me so that I could get away for a much needed break! All three of us desperately needed this weekend, and it was well worth it!

The Beading Fool

2010-07-30T18:27:00.000-07:00

Been working on making a good selection of necklaces to bring in to work to sell to my co-workers. I'm almost there. It's an obsession. It's good therapy. They're shiny.

I discovered Wednesday night that I have a total of 9 - count them - NINE bananas. So last night I baked 3 loaves of my famous Banana Bread and brought them in to work today to share with my beloved co-workers. And now, tonight, I'm making yet another 3 loaves to give to my beloved family. Baked with love. And yummy special ingredients that make it extra fattening and tasty!

I'm thinking I may need to find myself a steady babysitter for Friday nights. I find myself missing Jim the most on Friday nights. It's crazy. There are a million week nights when I am home and have time to think, but there is just something about Fridays that strike the sadness chord in me. Maybe if I had plans to be out and about, I wouldn't have so much time to be sad. I don't want to be sad.

And where the hell did my favourite Collective Soul CD get off to? Did someone borrow it? If you did, please bring it back cuz I miss it desperately!

Interestingly enough, something else that I discovered missing has returned. I was correct in my suspicians. Some people you just can't trust. Don't ask me to elaborate on this one. It's between them and God long as I'm sorted.

So... I'd best get back to my beading. I'm in an orange mood lately. Orange is shiny.

Been Busy

2010-07-02T15:13:00.000-07:00

Hi all. It's been a difficult week here at Kuhrsville.
Tuesday marked the 3 month anniversary of Hubby's passing, and it was also his birthday.
He would have been 45. That just really sucks. I remember my 45th birthday because he made it so special for me. It's not fair!

So I've started a new project - more as a means to occupy my mind this week. A Sanity Project, if you will. And I am really liking the results!

My Living Room has been a Terra Cotta Orange for the past eight years. And I have liked it well enough through out these years. But since Jim has passed away, I find myself avoiding my Living Room. It's dark. It's gloomy. It needs some life to it! Something HAPPY!

I always have a difficult time choosing a good green paint. They always come out looking like
mint taffy and I JUST HATE IT! But this week, I went to the hardware store and took a look at their pre-mixed colours, and I found one called New Orleans. I painted a little sample of it on my Loving Room wall and stood back to look at it. Not bad.

So I let it sit for an hour, contemplating it now and again. Then, I grabbed my camera, took a picture, and sent it to three trusted loved ones for their real opinion. The vote was unanimous! And so, New Orleans it is!

I am REALLY loving how cheery it makes the room! And my poor battered plants look more vibrant with this new colour as well (The new kitten sure has been giving them all quite a beating!).

I still have one massive corner to complete yet. You know, the one where the Entertainment Center is. That puppy is HEAVY! And I need to take out all of the millions of books before I can move it, or it will snap in half! I figure that will be a good project for tomorrow morning.

Lots of plans brewing for this holiday weekend. I probably won't have this project completed until later next week. But that's okay. As I said, it's a sanity project. Just what I needed. I especially need this project to be a success so that I can build up my Home Improvement confidence for my next, even larger project.... The Bedroom Ceiling! Now THAT will take muscle AND talent! But I've finally got my favourite girlie drill charged up and ready to handle the task!

By the way.... for those of you who aren't quite warming up to the new living room colour... I am betting Hubby would have agreed with you. He hated the Terra Cotta at first too, but it grew on him. I can't help it. I think there's a spanish woman somewhere in side of me who is dying to get out and decorate a villa somewhere! Just wait until you see my back hall! (cue evil laughter!).

Have a happy and safe holiday weekend!

Ah, It's Father's Day

2010-06-20T17:36:00.000-07:00

It's a Bittersweet day around this neck of the woods.
My #1 Son is celebrating his first Father's Day as a Dad. And that is quite awesome.
He is a wonderful daddy. Not all men take to fatherhood in the way that we would hope.
Some keep a distance both emotionally and physically. Not my son. He is hands on and
filled with love for that little darling. And it really shows in Liam himself. He is such a happy and intelligent little guy. He gets so much love and attention from Mommy and Daddy that he feels confident and ready to enjoy all that the world holds for him.

As for Son #2 and myself, we are so blessed to have such thoughtful friends in our lives.
Myke took us out to the cemetery so that Jerry could visit his Dad. And then, we visited both of his Grandfathers as well.

It makes me sad to think of how much Hubby will miss out on with Son #2. No silly Father's Day gifts of crazy discount ties, clay ash trays, home made cards. And all the hugs that The Child would gladly give him were he still here.

The Child has been welded to my hip these days. Definitely Separation Anxiety. It's understandable. First he watched his father slowly perish, and then he watched his kitty perish. I don't know quite how to get him over that separation anxiety other than by reassuring him that I am not leaving him any time soon if I have my way. But it's a bit frustrating for me too. A Gal can't even step out in the back yard for a minute without coming back inside to find the Child in a panic thinking I had just up and left. It is just SO irrational! I would NEVER just up and leave!

The VNA Grief Social Worker comes this Tuesday. I will need to talk to her about this and see what she suggests. Do I just get on with things as normal and ignore it? Or do I let him know my every move? And if I do that, am I just feeding his phobia? And why don't they make Children's Chewable Xanax? I can see it now! Flintstone's Zoloft now in stoneberry flavour.

I'm just trying to get my own life on track and then these curve balls get thrown at me.
Such a long road we are on. When I rule the world, Loving Dads will not be allowed to leave us.

The World I know

2010-06-18T20:40:00.000-07:00

Holy Crapolas, Batman! The muscles in my arms are just shaking!
I just spent the past two hours moving the old bed out of my room and assembling my new bed.
It looks beautiful now that it's all together. I'm glad I let loose and spent the money on it.
I've never had a new bed in my entire life. It's time to spoil myself a little.

Not that there was anything wrong with the former bed. It was wonderful. Just a little big for the small room it was living in. I'm not looking forward to disassembling it tomorrow. It's all wood with a million screws in it. And my wrists are toast from my marathon necklace-making sessions this week (That's another story and it was a labor of love, so it was worth it).

And I did all this whilst wearing a cute girly summer dress. I rule!

I have severe ADD these days. There are so many projects to complete around here. I am trying to focus on one room in the house at a time and get it finished before moving on to the next. But I am just too easily distracted. I have paint for the living room, and I'm tempted to get started on that, but I really ought to finish the bedroom first.... maybe.

Meanwhile, the new kitten is wrongly named. I think Satan would have been a better choice! He is just plain EVIL!!!! I sure hope he grows out of this mean stage he is in! He has started tormenting Octavia and she's dumb enough to let him! If she would just side-swipe the little bastage, she'd be back to alpha status!

I've got three hours worth of Garbage playing tonight. I went to my eldest son's birthday party last month and he was playing Garbage. I'd forgotten how much I'd missed Shirley! It's great music to work to. And great music to surf to as well.

I think I've finally stopped sweating now. Time for a nice cool shower and a chapter of Harry Potter in my nice new bed!

Have a great weekend, everyone!

Lighten Up

2010-06-09T04:44:00.000-07:00

We adopted a new family member this week. Little Cracker is the perfect compliment to our all black Octavia. He is such a sweetie!

Perfect Day

2010-06-05T17:21:00.000-07:00

The Aurora Oshkosh 5K for Cancer was today. We all met out front by the bus stop. all.... um.... let's see... Me, Jerry, Andy, Linds, Liam, Barb, Bon, Mark, Ben, Jeremy, Sami, Jason, Jason's parents, Lee & Daughter, Myke, Ricky, Robin & Friend Kelli .... Yup! All 21 of us and two doggies! Team Brooks/ Kuhr was an impressive bunch.

And this year, even though our group was larger, I believe we made better time, completing the walk in One Hour, seven minutes. And we weren't dead last, either! We were third-to-last. Not that it really matters. It's the journey that counts.

The event coordinators sell flags prior to the event, so you can create a personal marker in honour of who you are walking for. We, of course, had two flags. In decorating Hubby's flag, I happened to have his picture along, because I was making badges for us all during free time at work. There are volunteers along the entire route cheering us on, and when we got to the corner of 9th and Oakwood, the volunteers there are not only very good volunteers, but also cancer survivors, and they saw our badges and said "Hey! Your flag is right here!" That was touching for me.

Mom and Dad's flag was near Oakwood and Witzel. I made sure I decorated it nice and bold so that we could spot it. The cool thing was that I wrote on it "Parents, Grandparents, Great-Grandparents". Baby Liam was an unknowing participant in something quite monumental.

Then afterward, we went to Nigl's on 9th for some ice cold pitchers of beer and free brats. That was oh so yummy! I ended up staying much longer than I had intended because we were having so much fun (The Child went off to a Birthday Party ages before I left). This gal doesn't normally drink beer, but after a 5K, it tastes divine!

How do you top that? Well, I came home and watched a Zombie movie on Hulu, and by the time The Child returned, I was ready for a nice, relaxing nap.

It's raining outside right now. A steady downpour. Let it rain. I'm just glad that God gave us such a perfect day for our walk and all that followed.

I'm thinking next year, we should design our own Team Brooks / Kuhr T-shirts. They should be blue because the ribbon for Lung Cancer is blue. And maybe with photos of my folks as well as Jimmy. And of course, we should include the phrase I can so hear hubby saying.... "Walk on, my friends, walk on."

Couldn't help but laugh

2010-06-01T17:55:00.000-07:00

So I'm telling #1 son that today was a tough day at work, but as a means to make it a little nicer, I changed my cell phone picture to a photo I took on Sunday night of the fire we had in our back yard. Calming, peaceful, stress-free.

#1 son laughs and hands me his phone, and his wallpaper photo is of the fire that he had at his own house this weekend!

So now he really knows that he is not adopted!

Heavy

2010-05-30T06:10:00.000-07:00

Yesterday marked the two month passing of my darling Hubby.
It was a very hard day for me. I woke up thinking of our last anniversary together. How in spite of seeing that things were starting to spin out of control, we made the best of it with humour and love. I couldn't help but start crying as I thought about it yesterday morning. Neither of us ever thought that it would be the last anniversary we would get to share.

I'm doing good for the most part. I've had a growing list of items that I wanted to get to the hardware store to buy, but it has taken me some time to actually get to the hardware store. That's a Saturday thing, and my Saturdays have been busy (and I am grateful that they have been filled with love and fun with friends and family).

So I came home from the hardware store with supplies to complete several home projects, one of which was to re-wire a vintage lamp. It's not just any vintage lamp. Three years ago, Hubby and I spent Mother's Day hitting rummage sales and estate sales. We had such a fabulous time that day. At one of the estate sales, we spied two sets of vintage lamps. One set was simple, with a retro feel to them, and the other set was a pair of ornate crystal lamps with very hideous pink lamp shades. I fell in love with the crystal set (minus the awful lamp shades!), and Hubby fell in love with the retro set. In the midst of swapping bedrooms with The Child last winter, I ran across the box of crystal lamps and decided it was time to get them out and actually use them.

Unfortunately, one of them refused to work. I'd watched Hubby re-wire a lamp before, and couldn't get over how simple a task it actually is, considering you're working with electrical stuff). It's only taken me 6 months to get around to buying a rewiring kit (so sue me, I was busy) but last night, it took me all of fifteen minutes to rewire it. I'm quite impressed with myself!

I completed several other household projects last night as well. It felt good to keep busy. We bought a pool yesterday at Target. It's surprisingly big for the mere $30 we spent on it! #1 Son was so wonderful to help create a place to set it up. The most logical place is the driveway so that we wouldn't kill the grass. That, of course meant we'd have to move the camper (Thank you #1 son!) and create a clean surface.

I wanted to lay a tarp under it for added protection. That's where things got tough. I had to dig through Hubby's favourite things in search of tarps. I know he put them in a Rubbermaid tub somewhere, but I was unable to find it yesterday. And it's just as well (thick plastic will do). It's hard enough sifting through all of that stuff - stuff he loved to use and will never get to use again. It's heartbreaking! It's hard to part with all of it because he loved these things, but I know that I will never use them. Angst.

But we got the pool set up and ready to roll. And it's big enough so that I can dip in it too! I like that. Baby Liam has the same pool so he and Mommy and Daddy can escape the heat this summer as well. I know he's gonna love it!

So you see, my day yesterday was the same as my entire week had been. Filled with peaks and valleys. On Monday night, Audry had finished processing the photo shoot she had done of Grandbaby Liam. She did SUCH an amazing job! And Liam is such a willing subject. What a poser!

We had to put our older cat to sleep on Tuesday, and that was quite an emotional day. But now that she's gone, I am realizing just how much maintenance she required. And I wonder how the hell I did that and care for Hubby at the same time. It's not a wonder my house is a cluttered mess. Who's got time with all that going on? No more revolting litter boxes to change. No more obsessing about keeping butter in the fridge or the cat would get it. No more rattling of dirty dishes in the middle of the night by our people- food - obsessed cat. No more finding creative ways to get her to take her meds. No more surprise puddles. No more wondering when I was going to come home and find that she's expired. It's over. She was a fairly good kitty. I loved her, but she was first Andy's kitty, and then became Jim's companion. She was never very fond of me, except for when she wanted fresh food and a fresh litter box. Then she'd act as if she were whoring herself out to get what she wanted from me. We just never bonded properly. And yet I still miss her. Ya gotta respect a cat with that much attitude.

Our remaining kitty is a bit lost as well. She keeps asking where Fijhonna's bowls went to, and where Fijhonna herself went to. And she has no one to try to play with.... for now. But she's my sweetie. This morning she hopped up on the bed and asked to come under the covers and snuggle with me. I love that - except that she was outside last evening and got into something that I am highly allergic to. Yay. And then she went and snuggled up to The Child with her head on his shoulder. Sweet! (of course by the time I went for the camera, the snapshot moment had passed).

We will be adopting a new kitten as soon as he is ready to leave his mommy. He is all white just like our Huckleberry was. Huck was the best cat EVAR! Hopefully our new family member will be able to fill such big paws. At the moment, he is called "Milk". and he's adorable!
He's going to get lots of love here at Kuhrsville!

Oh! One more peak for this week.... I ran into Frank-From-Lowes at the grocery store on Thursday. It was good to see him again. And I got to meet his lovely daughter Melissa. She's a true beauty!

So enough of my ramblings. I hear my washer buzzing, and I need to thaw out some chicken for Tomorrow's cook out! Here's to more peaks and less valleys for the remainder of the weekend.

Gel

2010-05-24T16:12:00.000-07:00

Still living day to day here at Kuhrsville. What else can we do?
I find that I need to make lists a lot because I have the attention span of a Gerbil.
I have always been a list maker, but it is much more vital these days. And I'm glad that I am doing this because I get to have the feeling of accomplishment when I complete these lists.
Some things take longer - such as getting health care coverage for the two of us. Badgercare has agreed to cover The Child, but they have decided that my income is still too great to insure me as well. Yay. Time to think outside the box.

But I learned how to work our "special" lawn mower. And the house is shaping up a little at a time. And the bills are paid on time. Baby steps. Things will gel eventually.

Our utility bill is half of what it used to be. That just absolutely stuns me. It's because we watch maybe an hour of television a week these days. Before, it was on 24/7. It's hard to believe a television can suck that much energy!

Meanwhile, our eldest kitty has been battling illness. I think she is really giving up now. Her own vet just shrugged her shoulders and said there is nothing wrong with her. My Mother-in-law's vet said that she has anemia. But I feel there is something greater going on inside her frail little body. And I truly believe she has such a broken heart because she is missing Hubby. She was his cat after all. It's so sad to see her decline, especially in these past few weeks. I know her days are numbered no matter what I do to turn her in the right direction. What are we gonna do? All we CAN do is give her the meds and a daily dose of love as well and let time do what it will.

Yesterday, I received an invite to go to Ireland this fall. That would be simply amazing. And I've actually started saving for a trip to Ireland. But this fall? No, that's way too soon. The Child would be devistated if I went away for 12 days at this point. And I don't fancy bringing him along because I plan to spend more than a few nights at an Irish Pub drinking some Jameson. He would be bored to tears!

And the fact that at this point, I only have 12 hours of vacation time built up at work, I would be crazy to jump on an airplane. Plus, my side kick has decided to take a job at the hospital so that she can complete her schooling while working second shift, And our Lead Person will be off on maternity leave before we know it. There's no way I'll get time off in September. And September, I'm sure, will be a very hard month for me any way. Wedding Anniversaries and such are sure to put me into a funk. I'll just keep saving until the time is right, when Karma is aligned and life is more on track. Things are just too challenging right now to add new drama to the mix!

On the bright side, it's getting to be fire pit season! A bottle of wine, good friends, a good fire. Now THAT is a goal we can achieve!

Rainy Day

2010-05-13T05:33:00.000-07:00

It looks like it's going to rain all day today. Well, at least all morning. The Child woke up sick this morning. That is happening far too often lately. I think the stress of losing his dad has made his immune system weak. I personally have tripled my daily dose of Vitamin D3 because I know that my defenses are down as well. But just try to make a 9 year old take D3 every day! It can't be done!

So I have this bonus day at home with The Child. I ought to plan to do some deep
cleaning. But I was up in the storage room earlier this week, and I'm just not ready to do that yet. Hell, I haven't even dug out my spring clothes from last year yet because they are mixed in with Hubby's spring clothes. This is such a journey, I can't even begin to explain.

I've heard stories of little old ladies who are suddenly widowed who will keep their husband's things for years before purging. I am not a little old lady, and I still find it very difficult.

A friend had offered to put a bunch of his things in their city-wide rummage sale this Memorial Day weekend. And I am glad of the offer because the thought of having to hold a rummage sale and have people barter over prices with me for my husband's belongings just sends me over the edge. But I am just not up to sorting just yet. Thankfully, this friend said that his wife reminded him that they will be having a rummage sale again next year. I told him he has a wonderful wife there!

But little by little, I am making some changes around the house. I actually used some of my tax refund to buy a brand new bed for myself. I have never had a new bed ever. I think it will make me feel like a real grown up. But I'm not looking forward to disassembling the bed I currently have. That will be quite a task. And The Child is all nestled up in it today, so that is a project that will wait as well. I'm in no hurry any way. Time is time. I pick and choose how I will spend it these days.

I think I'll ask Uncle Marty to drop off all of the photos from the funeral and spend the day scanning those instead. Now THAT would be a day well spent. Some of them need to go back up on my living room walls anyway! I miss them! Those empty spots on my walls remind me of the emptiness in my heart.

Sleep would be wonderful

2010-05-01T03:21:00.000-07:00

It's the one month anniversary of Hubby's funeral.
Today, we'll be putting his ashes to rest.
I thought I'd be okay with this, but no, my heart and my brain are both battling against my soul. I know it's going to take a LONG time to get through this. And it really has helped to have this month in between such major steps. I just hate feeling so fragile. Everybody keeps telling me that I'm such a strong woman. Well, yes, I am. But this has just been such a hard journey from the get go.

What many of you may not be aware of, is that this is also the anniversary of the day it all started to go down hill. May 1, 2009 is when Jim got a phone call telling him that his lab results were back and his red blood cell count was ridiculously low again, and that he'd best get in for a transfusion pronto. From there, it was the crazy journey of dealing with being way under-insured, knowing that no matter what, we had to dive in and do this. But at least a year ago there was still hope.

I remember being so upset with him. Not because of the financial crisis we were heading for, but because Hubby always had a habit of pulling back from me when he was sick because he didn't want to be a burden to me. And for me, this really hurt and frustrated me. It took forever to get it through his head that no matter what, we were in this together and I would gladly care for him no matter what it took.

And in caring for him through this journey, it gave the love I had for him a lot of texture. It actually helped me to find so many new ways to love him even more than I already did.
Jim was such a good man. I never realized just how much he did to take care of me. I always thought it was the other way around. And my main concern was that we were both giving The Child the care that HE needed. And Jim was the ultimate loving father. He never talked to Andy or Jerry like they were kids. He talked to them like they were highly intelligent adults. It was a beautiful thing to witness.

I don't get much restful sleep these days. The meds no longer do the trick, and I'll be damned if I want to be on something "more permanent" to get through this. I know it's my brain working through all of the "What If's". And my brain really does need to do that. I've always been a puzzle solver. That's how I approach life, and every problem within it. And my brain just can't accept the fact that it couldn't solve this puzzle called cancer. This puzzle called losing the love of your life in a slow, painful way. When this all started, I remember saying "We're too young for this! Maybe if it happened 10 years from now we'd be more ready to deal with it, but we're not in that mindset yet." But that's life. We're never really ready for anything it throws at us.

But maybe it's good that I woke up crying today. I was too stunned and overwhelmed at his funeral to cry. I've never really been one for public crying. I much prefer to stand by my dryer and purge. I'm surprised there's any finish left on that dryer these days.

So... I've spent enough time feeling sorry for myself today. Time to put on my battle uniform and face the world.

Bits and Pieces

2010-04-27T18:49:00.000-07:00

Where does one start when faced with the thought of starting over again in life?
I'm a list maker from way back, and have been making lists left and right these days.
If I don't, I would surely forget something important.

I can honestly say that I am accomplishing some of the things on those lists.
I got the Thank You cards done and mailed tonight.
If I missed someone, may I offer my sincere apologies. I really did my best.
Many did not provide an address, and even Google White Pages can't find you.
Although I must say that if Jim were still here, he could tell me where you live, what brand of cigarette you smoke and how often you stopped in by Bob's.

We had a lot of help along this journey. Hubby was loved by so many. He had such a sidelong way of looking at life that captured the hearts of many. He wasn't always easy to live with because of this sidelong way of looking at life. But it was never boring.

I have flowers to plant, trees to buy, a porch to properly stain. And that's on the outside. I just can't bring myself to start purging the inside of our house more than I have to date. My sinuses can't take much more crying. So it's best to leave it until my soul has had more time to heal.
I can't believe that this Thursday it will be a month already. Hell, sometimes I still can't believe he's gone!

I just wish I could get a good nights sleep. Jerry is dealing with the same thing lately. So much to process. We'll get there. I know that time will heal. And like that elephant, we need to take this one bite at a time.

Kids these days

2010-04-21T15:08:00.000-07:00

SO my Sis-in-law sent me one of those E-mails listing all of the things we didn't have when we were kids, entailing just how great kids today have it.

Well, it sort of depends on which angle you look at it.
When I think of all of the Horror / suspense movies that I adored as a kid, and even books that I enjoyed as a kid that scared the crap out of me, I often ponder of how many of those plot-lines could have been averted if the hero of the movie had only had a cell phone.

The Donner Party wouldn't have had to go through the anxt they did, had they only had a good cell phone. And Charles Manson would have been out on his ear if one of those teens living on his Love Colony had only been texting her best friend back home.

Stephen King would of course still be writing. He just has this crazy angle on life, and modern conveniences or not, he would always find some way around all of that stuff to write a great thrilling tale.

I've come to a crossroads where I'm thinking that I need to get an additional cell phone for the house - not for the Child in particular, but just so it is there and I could take my own cell phone to work with me in case I run into any emergencies or school crises. It may eventually grow into being The Child's cell phone. But at the moment, I just think he is too young to have one. I would prefer to say "This phone stays at home all the time unless I say otherwise."

I hate that I need to contemplate such issues. Perhaps I ought to have given these "What If's" more thought while my husband was fighting his illness. But I didn't want to do that because that would have meant that I was giving up hope. I didn't want to give up hope, and I didn't want Hubby to give up hope either. I miss him like crazy. And that may be the hardest part. Yes, I have a lot of stuff to get in order because he has left a huge hole in our lives. But I think the hardest part is those moments in the day when I would normally send him an E-mail or give him a call just to hear his voice and see if he needed anything. I can't do that any more.

Imagine that. I'm living a Horror Story in the Modern world. SO I guess the whole point of this post is moot.

Long Day

2010-04-14T16:31:00.000-07:00

Well, today was my first day back at work.
What a long day.

Many of my patients came by to give me hugs and that was nice.
And of course my co-workers are all so loving and caring.

It would have been much easier to just stay home and hide under a rock.
But I can't do that. I have The Child to think of. We need income.
And we need to dive in and see how our new schedules are going to work out.

I gave The Child 2 options for mornings. He would rather I just let him stay home and fend for himself until school starts - and even though he likely IS able to do that, I'm not going to give him that option. But he tried one of his 2 options today and he said that worked out okay. SO that is a good thing.

The After School Care is a jumbled issue right now. But luckily, I do have Andy and Myke who are willing to juggle their days to accommodate. And that is a good thing. We just need to try it and see how it works. Hopefully all involved will find it rewarding.

I have a feeling that our new mantra will be "Only Time Will Tell."

The New Journey

2010-04-13T06:24:00.001-07:00

I was just looking up the "7 stages of grief":

1) Shock, Denial
2) Pain and Guilt
3) Anger and Bargaining
4) Depression, Reflection, Loneliness
5) The Upward Turn
6) Reconstruction and Working Through
7) Acceptance and Hope

Which is the stage where I misplace my cell phone and have no idea where I may have left it? Because whichever one that is, that's where I'm at.

It's a bit absurd that they can think that they can put all people in the same box and think they will follow the above steps as they grieve.

Hell, I've been grieving for months. Torn between watching Jim fight with every fiber of his being and being so terrified of losing him, sick or well. I couldn't begin to count the number of times I stood by the basement dryer and cried my eyes out, wishing things would turn around.

And yet there were so many times during this journey that I tried to think ahead just in case we did have to go through this worst case scenario. And I was able to work out some of the strategic changes that would need to happen.

My greatest worry is having Jerry feeling displaced. I hate that I need to figure out what to do with him before school and after school until I get home from work. He's too young to stay home alone, and he's not crazy about my before school options.

I just need to keep telling myself that children are resilient. That he will adapt to whatever changes we need to do. I know that I need to be strong for his sake. I need to be honest and say "Yes, it really DOES suck that I have to make you change the routine that you loved because your dad has passed on. But still, we just need to do it."

He is opening up a lot more this week, which is wonderful. At least he's talking, especially at bed time. He has a difficult time getting to sleep these days. He keeps saying he is "haunted by his own mind". which is filled with scary thoughts. And yes, the future IS scary. But we'll get through it.

He asked me last night if I would ever get married again. I told him "Maybe. But only if I could find someone as wonderful as Daddy, and that would take a long time to find, so you don't have to worry about that."

Jerry has always had an amazing view of the world. I need to remember that. He's not your average 9 year old. His little brain grasps some very complex concepts if they are explained properly. Jim was awesome at explaining things to Jerry. They could talk for hours about ancient Rome, castles, wars, history, computers... He never talked to Jerry like he was a little kid. He was patient and loving and engaging with him. I need to work at that because to me, Jerry is the last baby I will every have and I want to hold and protect him from the world. I need to find the balance that Jim was able to give him within myself.

And I know that I'm not alone on this journey. I know that we are surrounded by friends and family that would happily step in and teach Jerry how to hunt and fish, and tell him how his dad always brought along his sterno and a little pan and was always prepared to calm the "City Boy" in Jerry so that they could just hang out and enjoy nature.

I dunno. Maybe I'm at stage 4. I know I ought to be looking ahead. But each big holiday coming is going to feel empty. And just going to Walmart, I feel like everybody is staring at me. Like I have this gaping bleeding hole that everyone can see.

And I know I'm only feeling sorry for myself. I need to "Cowboy Up" and just go through it.
But I do insist on spending a great deal of time in the back yard this summer. Hell, I already am spending a great deal of time out there just thinking and talking to Jim.

On Jim's last day, I said "Oh, Honey! This is just too soon! You're supposed to get better so that we can have a fire in the back yard this summer."
He just looked at me and said "I'll be there."

By the way, I just found my phone. It was sitting here right in front of me all this time. I can just hear Jim now "Yup! No short Bus for My Wife, no sir!"

Such a Journey

2010-04-03T20:21:00.000-07:00

I lost the love of my life this week to a horrific yet courageous battle with cancer.
It's going to take me ages to get through this grief, even though I know he wouldn't want me to grieve. I know he is in a better place, free of pain, feeling healthy and likely having the most wonderful time with loved ones we have lost before him. But I have so many details to wrestle with now that he is no longer in my life. My priorities are all misaligned right now. And they are SO not meshing with those of my Mother-in-law's. I'm trying to be patient with her as JImmy had asked me to be. WOW.

Regardless, I am sharing the farewell Poem that I wrote the morning of his funeral. I did borrow part of a verse from W.H. Aulden because his poem was the first thing that came to mind when my Love had passed away. I think W.H. Aulden would approve.

We gather today, for our Jimmy has passed

His pain seemed so endless but then again fast

I'm stunned that I stand here to speak of his life

A new-found widow, the departed's wife

He was my North, my South, my East and West,

My working week and my Sunday rest,

My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;

I'll never again know a love so strong.

He humbly wandered through day to day

Not even aware of the ripples he'd made

The hearts that he touched, the lives that he blessed

His family and friends who loved him best

We need to move forward and carry his love

And know that he's watching from above

He would not want us to cry for his passing

Jimmy would much rather hear us laughing

And so it is fitting, the date of this mass

A date of pranks, and fun and laughs

That we honour my love, My Darling Jim

Our lives are much richer for loving him.

God Bless Lowes

2010-03-22T05:59:00.000-07:00

This past week was quite eventful.
I became a Grandmother on Thursday. Little Liam did not come into this world easily.
My sisters and I were in Madison Wednesday Night until 2 in the morning.
We simply could not leave until we were sure that Linds was okay.

So I went to work Thursday on 2 hours sleep (2 hours of just dozing actually) and then Hubby had a doctor's appointment as well. He called me from home to say that with this new medication he is on, his muscles are really locking up and he wasn't sure if he could actually get down our front stairs.

He did make it down them, but it was scary and difficult for him.
You see, last fall, before Hubby got sick, we had put up new stairs at the front of our house, but never got to put up the railings. So Hubby has been having to lean on the window ledge as he comes down the steps.

Well, it's almost spring now, and after this terror, I decided that this would be the weekend that I would do something about railings.

I looked at the railings that Hubby bought and have no clue how to assemble such a thing. However, I COULD install a simple hand rail. But I would need hardware with a very long arm on it because there is a space between the side of the house and the steps.

I started out at Menard's. Their sales people were not very helpful. All they would do is point in a direction and go back to what they were doing (acting like they were busy). I didn't find the hardware I was hoping for, so we went to Lowes.

We went to the hardware section and I explained to the sales person what I had in mind. I told him I wanted to keep it simple doing this. He showed me what they had, and it was basically the same stuff Menard's had.

He said he could order me a longer arm, but I told him I really didn't want to put this project on hold. I asked him if they had any brackets that would work for a project like mine and he showed us a few that might work. And then he lead us to the iron hand rails and started explaining how easy these were to install.

I listened to him explain and understood most of what he was saying, but then he pulled out some base posts and I was completely lost, wondering how I was going to mount those to the house. So I became frustrated and was about ready to just walk out.

I said "Thank you, but that's just a bit much for me. I need something simple that I can do TODAY to solve this problem." The look on his face somehow made me continue "You see, my husband has cancer and he is having a very hard time getting in and out of our house. I need to install railings NOW and they need to be something simple that I can do."

Frank the Sales Guy looked at me and said "Well I can come and install them on Tuesday if you like."

My Mother-in-law and I both looked at each other and then at him "You'd do that?"

Well it IS Lent. I try to do a good deed as often as I can, and It really sounds like you could use a good deed."

Then he said he would also buy the parts and I could pay him back - so that I would get his employee discount on the parts! What a guy!

He called me when he got home from work and said (like a true Wisconsinite) "Hi! This is Frank from The Lowes. Can I come see your steps?" He looked at the steps and said he is sure he could do this job in about an hour. He'll be back Tuesday.

God bless Lowes! And God bless Frank from The Lowes! There really ARE angels among us!