Meanwhile.... out in the front yard...

I am making great progress on the front yard. It really looks nice!
Of course, I didn't buy enough materials to finish the entire job. First, I ran out of sand for beneath the bricks (Thank you, Tania for running for more for me!!!) , and now, I am out of Lava Rock. I need about six more bags.

So, I'm out there, bent over with my ass to the road, and some guy drives by and yells: "Yeah, Baby!" Is it any wonder I don't like spending a great deal of time out in my front yard?

But all of the bricks are laid, and the flowers are planted, and it is really taking shape! Jim would be proud!

Lif is just too crazy to believe sometimes

Had an old friend find me on facebook today. We haven't talked in 25 years. I don't even know how he found me on there since I have no mention of my maiden name whatsoever.

Way back in the day, we used to go to open mic's together and cheer each other on, and occasionally get together and do some writing. My gawd, that feels like an entire lifetime ago.
But today, he found me, and we got to talking, which then turned into a phone call. He said he has been trying to find me for forever because he really wanted me to hear what he has been doing with my songs throughout the years.

It turns out, he did some professional recording in New Orleans some years back with a top notch band who really understood what these songs were meant to be. Holy crap! I am absolutely floored at what they have done with my lyrics. It's flattering to know that someone thought so much of my talent to develop it so thoroughly.

Almost makes me want to get out the recording equipment and start over again... I may be old and chubby, and no one wants to watch an old chubby gal belt out some blues on stage... unless it's Aretha or Bonnie Raitt. But..... I could resume writing and pass on my lyrics on the off chance they land in the right hands and actually make some money. It would be so cool to hear something I wrote playing on the radio some day.

Thank you, Dean! You put a spring in my step today! I needed that!

Like Charlie Sheen, I'm Winning, but for different reasons

Tomorrow is my sister's Birthday, so we went out tonight for dinner and cocktails. It was nice.
But they weren't able to stay for a bonfire after-wards. Bummer. I have a bottle of Strawberry Wine with their names on it.

So.... it was just me in the back yard with a fire.... too nice of a night to let it pass without a fire.
After all, I had the shell of an old wooden planter from our yard in the fire pit ready to torch.

So what do I do when I have a fire in the back yard and it's just me and my lonesome? Well, I talk to Hubby. After all, he did promise me that every time I have a fire in the fire pit he would be there.

So, I talked to him a bit. Sang to him a bit. I sang him some of the original songs I had written just for him. And then I sang some of my favourite songs that we did back in our band days.... which lead to the song Diamonds and Rust. Wow. Joan Baiez was so prolific. And it struck me how timely that song is for me right here right now.

I know I need to move on. I so badly want to move on. Because all memories give me is diamonds and rust. I need to move forward still further and get beyond that.

I'm sick of being alone. It sucks trying to maintain everything. I don't mind being in charge, but, dang! Some things I would rather let anybody else handle.

I have been working on the front yard all this week because I have some brick work coming on Monday. I am SO SICK of weeding and fighting Mother Nature when it comes to my yard. I have NEVER been an outdoors kind of person. I HATE bugs and weeds. And why the hell have they suddenly decided to take over? They never did in years past. Or perhaps Hubby did much more with the yard than I gave him credit? I dunno. I just know that I am an indoors kind of gal and I need to put "Adores Yard-work" on my checklist for a future potential mate.


Today was such a beautiful day. I was in good spirits, and the weather was amazing. And it is lovely having the windows open and hearing St Vinnie's Clock ringing each hour. It brings comfort to me and reminds me of better days. But you know what? It is up to ME to bring my OWN BETTER DAYS right here, right now. I am building a pretty cool life here for me and my boys. We have walked through the ashes and we need to get beyond that and make it all worth it. THAT is why GOD put us on this earth.

Landscaping...

Why do I do this to myself?
I really dislike yard work, landscaping and gardening. And yet I love the flowers.
One of my favourite places is The Healing Garden at work. It is so amazing to see everything bloom, each plant in its own time. It starts out purple, and then goes red, and then blue and then gold as the seasons progress. Gorgeous.

I could only hope to be able to create such an ecosystem. Especially with my lack of knowledge.

But at the moment, I am working toward the goal of not having to weed that vast dirt hump in my front yard. My patio block comes on Monday. So I have much to do to prepare. I need to dig up my Hyacinth plants and hastas and put them in a tub for now, so that they don't get trampled as I work on that area.

I know what I HOPE it will look like when completed. This will be a true test of patience.
I want it done and I want it done NOW. But if I want it to look nice, I need to take my time - an hour each evening, to get it right.

I just wish Mother Nature didn't provide so many bugs and slugs! Yuck!

Why do I do this to myself? Yes, I do know the answer to that. I am finishing one of Hubby's goals. He wanted the front yard to look professionally landscaped. He didn't get the chance to do it. I have the opportunity, and I am taking it.

Oh, but he has no idea!

My darling child just came home and DEMANDED that I order him Chicken Nuggets and Fries for Dinner from Player's because he is ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN that I don't want him to STARVE TO DEATH!

WOW! This, after I had already made dinner for us both earlier, and he turned his nose up to it. I told him that I was not going to make him something different. He made himself a peanut butter sandwich and then left to play with his buddy.

These sort of tactics may work for his buddy when dealing with his buddy's mother. But I have never been the classic dictionary definition of ANYTHING! Why would Motherhood be any different? I don't run on guilt. I run on HUGS!!!

Anxiety

I have an Anxiety Disorder. I went to my doctor on the last leg of Hubby's Journey to get help. It was all too much for me to try to do it on my own. And here we are, over a year later, and I still feel the need to be on Anxiety Meds. In spite of how far I have come and how strong I have been, there are moments when I still feel like I am just spinning my wheels.

The crazy thing is, I hadn't really given much thought to my own diagnosis in the past year. It was only at my last appointment that I was informed that I suffer from an Anxiety Disorder and Borderline Depression. I find that a bit absurd since never once did I tell my doctor that I suffer from depression. It's 90% anxiety and maybe 5% Depression. Somehow in growing up, I was given the excellent tools to deal with depression and to hold onto all of the beautiful things that come to me in life.

A few months ago, I had it in my mind that maybe it was time to say goodbye to the medication. But then as the date for my checkup neared, all hell broke loose again in my life, and I decided that maybe I ought to just continue for a while. Doctor agrees with me.

Since then, I have been monitoring how I am feeling much more closely. And still, it's not so much depression. But I do still get a LOT of Mini-Anxiety Attacks. I hate it! Mostly because I know that if I discuss it with my doctor, he is going to try to add more drugs to my regimen. And what I want is LESS, not more! And at one point, he did try to add another Depression medication on top of the Anxiety meds I already take. The result? Sweet Baby Jesus! I found myself so deep in depression I couldn't stand myself! Fortunately, I was smart enough to see that it was the medications causing me to feel that way and not ME!!!

Of course, there really is no medication that is going to fully remove all of the anxiety I have. I need to cope with it and try to keep moving forward. Forward is just a really fucked up place at the moment. I am having a difficult time picturing what it needs to be.

I need to get out more. I need to be out amongst my loved ones and have more FUN!!! Life is just too damned serious these days! I need more silly. Bring it on!