Almost 21 years

September 16th would have been Jim & My 10th Wedding Anniversary. It's been a hard (Week/ Month / Year - hell, choose one and go with it!) here at Kuhrsville. Along with all of the many things happening, I also find myself reflecting on all of the wonderful memories that Jim gave me.

We met in 1989, in Myke Miller's basement. My dear friend Sandy invited me to go and see their band practice that night. I was engaged to someone else at the time, but that relationship was going south at that moment. I was getting the notion that my fiance was seeing somebody else from work, and he was treating both me and young Andy like we were excess baggage. So it felt good to get out for the night and get drunk and sing my heart out. I truly had myself a case of the blues!

As the night progressed, everybody was starting to lose their ability to play their instruments, so we packed it in for the night and went upstairs to party. I found myself spending most of the night talking with Jim. We had a lot in common, and as you know, no one could hold a conversation better than Jimmy! I kept thinking to myself "This guy is SO SWEET! And I am engaged to SUCH an ASSHOLE!" It made me go home and really re-evaluate my relationship, and hit the problems head-on.

My fears were confirmed. My fiance was indeed interested in a new co-worker, and wanted me out of his life so that he could get together with her. It was a hard but clean break-up. I kept a positive outlook, and was ready to start a new life on my own. (He married her 6 months later, and she divorced him the next year. Karma!)

But then, a few months later, Sandy again called me and said "Can you get a babysitter this weekend? Doug Nelson said he was going down to Slade's."

My response was "I'll go, but only if Doug invites his friend Jim along."

Poor Jimmy didn't stand a chance! Wherever I sat, my friends made sure the seat beside me was the only one available to him. And before long, he fell prey to my charms and asked me for my number.

Our first official date was on September 16, 1989. From there, it was full speed ahead. I had a major crush on him. Hell, he was so damn CUTE! And he had the sexiest phone voice ever. But I think what really made me fall hard for him was when he brought his guitar over and was playing for me. I noticed that when he was really concentrating hard on what he was playing, he'd stick his tongue out the side of his mouth like a little puppy. Stick a fork in me. I wanted to keep him forever!

The band was definitely an added bonus to our relationship. I had always wanted to sing in a band and make the songs I'd written come to life. And everyone quickly became just like family. I'd give a kidney to any one of them if they needed one. There was always music, laughter and a lot of love when we got together.

After most couples live together for 11 years, they pretty much figure that's the arrangement for life. But Jim and I never did follow the text book on anything. After a surprise pregnancy, and then having a miscarriage at 4 months along (they say once you get past 3 months you're safe from those - but not for me), we had decided that we really needed to try again and have a baby, and do it the right way. So we started planning for both a baby and a wedding. And lo and behold, the anniversary of our first date just happened to fall on a Saturday that year!What a perfect date for a wedding!

It was a small wedding. Only close friends and family were invited. We didn't care about the cards or gifts. We just wanted to share our day with our loved ones. And it was perfect.... well... almost. The sound system went haywire at the church during our ceremony and I had to run back and fix the control panel. And our unity candle didn't want to light....and our Best man almost passed our cold on the altar.... but all in all, we were so happy, nothing could rain on our parade.

We took great care in choosing the music for our wedding. We had the German version of Ave Maria to walk down the aisle to. And we wanted a song by Tuck and Patti to exit the ceremony to. After combing through hundreds of favourites, we both agreed on this one:



It seemed to say it all for us.

I was thinking about this song this morning at work and had to stop myself. For me, it reminds me just how dearly Jim really loved me. I could be the biggest bitch in the world, but he still stood beside me, willing to work it all out and make things better. He angered me so often, and yet he could turn around and be the most loving and beautiful person I had ever encountered.

Our last anniversary together was not a good one. Although it was filled with love, it was also filled with a lot of fear. Jim had his spleenectomy on the 9th (Yes, Marty, you picked a bad day to leave us). That was just one week prior to our anniversary. Once again, I had almost lost him to poor health. And our anniversary was filled with doctor appointments and post-op visits.

He had to see the urologist that day as well. And as we rode the elevator down to the parking lot, he said "Damn! She stuck her finger up my butt too!"

My response was "She Did? Well Happy Anniversary, Honey!"


The saddest part about losing someone you've spent 21 years with is that even though time does heal, it also moves you further along the time-line from that point that the two of you had together. It creates a distance from everything that the two of you shared. Life goes on and changes sometimes subtly and sometimes in drastic ways, but it keeps evolving until that common point in time that you shared with your loved one no longer exists in the present. I think that's what hurts the most. I know I'll keep going. I know there will someday be romance in my life again. But if I had my druthers, I'd find a worm hole and jump back in time and savour every moment with him.

I refuse to spend Thursday feeling sorry for myself. I'm going to go to work and keep busy, and I already have plans to go out for dinner and drinks with my sisters. They have been so amazing and supportive on this journey. I would be so lost without them.

So Happy Anniversary, Love. I know from all of the many signs that you're watching over me. Thank you for all those crazy years with you. Thank you for loving me when you should have just had me committed. For taking care of me and letting me think it was the other way around. For all of the amazing conversations we shared. For all of your fabulous meals and for every bottle of wine we shared. For sharing your uber-amazing friends with me. For helping to raise my Andy with all the love that a true father could give, and for helping me to create our Jerry who is the driving force for me to keep going forward. I really am very blessed.

So Long, Old Friend

Yesterday, I had to say goodbye to a dear friend that I've known nearly half my life. How does one write a loving tribute to someone who has left such a mark on one's life? I met Marty the same night that I met the love of my life. And who'd have thunk that they would meet in heaven 21 years later in less than 6 months?

We don't live in the greatest neighborhood in town, but for the many years that Marty and Kim lived just up the street, this place was a much warmer place to be. We'd be invited to their kids birthday parties surrounded by their family, and it always left us feeling honored to be included.

I remember years ago sitting at Field's Restaurant listening to Marty telling us that he was going to start a Karaoke Business and thinking "But Marty! Karaoke's a fad! It can't last!" Boy was I wrong! Karaoke allowed him and his beautiful wife to feed their family all these many years and to help them afford a beautiful home that anyone would be proud to live in. He was a visionary and once he made his mind up about something, it didn't matter if someone played the devil's advocate. Your negative fears weren't going to burst his bubble. Where there's a will, there's a way, and Marty always found that way.

He had a very warped sense of humor which offended some, but endeared many. He was always willing to speak his mind, but he did it with a sense of humor so you had to listen, laugh, and then think "No shit! you've really got a point!"

A good 5 years ago, I had decided that I wanted to walk off my weight. Marty volunteered to be my walking buddy. We'd walk for an hour each day, and got further and faster with each week. And as we walked, we got to hold a lot of conversations. He'd say "I like this! When we come over to visit, you don't always say much cuz Jimmy and I are too busy talking. Now, I'm getting to hear your point of view on stuff too." And then suddenly, he'd run off behind some stranger's house to take a quick leak, and we'd be on our way walking again. What a nut!

At a time when Jim was feeling restless with the direction his life was going, Marty got him out in a restaurant cooking for the masses. Although there was a great deal of drama through that ordeal, Jim was able to make some new friends that would prove to be truly caring people, and working there gave Jim a renewed sense of purpose. Jim always wanted to open his own restaurant, and in working with Marty, he learned more than he thought he could. And of course he was thrilled to know that he was able to teach Marty a few good cooking tricks as well. They made a great team.

Life-long friends that they were, they loved talking about the old days, and spent a great deal of time playing music they shared a deep common interest in. To some, T-Rex and Pink Floyd had great mainstream hits. To Jim and Marty, those mainstream hits were crap. It was the rest of the albums that were gold. They could sing every word of Pink Floyd's "Careful with that Ax, Eugene", and would then ponder for hours about what was going through Marc Bolan's mind when he wrote various T-Rex songs they listened to repeatedly. I really never understood the T-Rex thing. But they did.

Our door has always been open to friends and family, and Marty often took advantage of that policy, showing up at all hours for a good cup of coffee. If there was none ready, I gladly made some. He'd sip his coffee, catch up on what was new with us, fill us in on his day's goals, then stand, fart, and vacate the premisis. That was the magic of Marty.

He loved a good prank. And I can think of many - one of which that still makes me giggle, but I simply cannot share with the general public. But it involves an Ab-Lounger. Poor Jimmy!

Marty was a man of tradition as well. One Memorial Day, years back, His good friend Herman said he was going to be out at the park with his kids. Marty and Kim packed up a picnic basket and joined him for a lovely day. That quickly turned into what Marty coined as "Hermanfest". Each year it grows bigger and bigger. Loved ones would always be welcome to join. I hope this tradition continues. Marty would want that. It was hard for me to go this year without Jim at my side, but I am so glad that I did.

Along with his silly side, there was also a beautiful devoted friend side to Marty. The first time Jim had his Hemalitic Anemia, it was Marty and Kim to the rescue, racing us off to the emergency room. And they stayed until things were sorted and he was on his way back to recovery. And the off-color jokes that Marty and Doug made in that little emergency exam room helped Jim to regain focus.

When Jim grew ill this last time, I know how much it saddened all of us, and still, I could count on all of our good friends to help. Marty was always so busy keeping his own life moving and shaking, but was never too busy to lend a hand. If only we could have known during the Benefit that Marty and Kim and so many loved ones put on for Jim that six months later..... It's just too absurd to even comprehend! And even though it wasn't the intention, without the funds raised at that benefit, I would still be paying for Jim's funeral.

After Jim passed, I know it was hard for Marty to stop in here for a cup of coffee. And yet he still did on occasion just to see how I was doing. Out of the blue one day, he said "You have to marry again. And don't wait forever. Do it soon. Jim doesn't want you to be alone. Don't worry about what friends and family say. You deserve to be happy." It was a very unexpected conversation, but I really appreciate that it took place.

This past Sunday night, on a whim, my sister Barb and I decided to go out. The Boathouse was supposed to have a live band, and it sounded like fun. But when we got there, the band canceled due to rain. So while we sat there having a cocktail, for some reason, I decided to text Marty and see if there was a Karaoke show going on. He told us to come on down to PJ's.

My sis and I had a fun time there, and Marty wouldn't let me leave without singing a song or two, even though I warned him that I am way out of practice.

Before we left, I gave him a big hug and a kiss on the cheek and told him I love him. I am so glad I got the chance to do that now. Maybe there was an angel whispering in my ear that night. I never dreamed that 4 days later he would be gone.

But he lived to ride on that silly scooter. It was one of his passions. And if he had to choose what way he would leave this world, it would have been this way. For those of us who are forced to say good-bye so soon to him, it is a difficult journey. We can mourn our loss, but we cannot mourn for him. Marty lived a wonderful life filled with joy and love. He deserves to be exemplified and celebrated.

Hugs to you, Marty. And God Speed. Give Jimmy a kiss for me. I know you'll do it full- on- the lips!

Don't pop my Balloon!!!!!!

This past week has been challenging to say the least.
Work was absolute mayhem day after day. And then I would get to come home to more drama.

Did I mention in my former post that just when I think things are going great someone would take the wind out of my sails? Well, guess what? Once again, I'm not disappointed.

Just let me say that NO ONE - Not you, or you, or YOU are allowed to judge me or the shape that my house is in until you actually learn how to make a real relationship last for more than 20 years, and then have to watch that love of your life slowly die and then find yourself alone in a house filled with everything that the love of your life adored and are left with the task of wading through all of that stuff with the intent of minimalizing it all and assembling some sort or organization to it all. This is the hardest task ever put to me. And it has to be me. I can't let someone else decide what stays and what goes, what is garbage and what is rummage.

And atop of all that, I am also trying to work full time, and am also trying to build a new life here for me and Jerry. I can't do that if I'm wading through memories and tears every day. We need to look forward some before we can look back. I dance to my own rhythm these days. I do things in my own time. And if that's not good enough for some people, then kiss my ass.
As Jim always said, "If you want to come visit with me, come on over! But if you want to come look at the house, then come when we're gone!"

Autumn is Looming

The days are getting cooler now. And I guess I really don't mind so much. The cooler weather motivates me to accomplish more. When it is stifling hot, I end up mostly laying on the couch with the laptop thinking about the stuff I ought to be accomplishing and then when I would get up and try to accomplish them, I'd start sweating.... and then along comes a hot flash and I sweat even harder, and I feel like a big disgusting sweat puddle! It's awful!

Now that it's cooler, my house is getting cleaner, my yard is more organized, the cardboard in my garage has been charred away in the burn pit, and I'm making headway.

Life keeps chugging along here. Just when I think I'm on an upswing, and am able to look to the future, something or someone comes along and pulls the rug out from under me. It's a slow process,but I'll get there.... wherever the hell there is.

With all of the challenges that I have faced in the past year, and even those ongoing challenges, I am trying to keep a positive attitude. Life is something you must embrace and be a full participant in. If you don't, it keeps going, but with less flavour.

The Child starts school next week. That causes me great anxiety. It turns out he'll be going to the school up the street again after all. But there will be a new principal, and hopefully she will be worth her salt. Last year's was the worst ever! I told The Child that we need to be positive about this. He can and will do the work and walk the walk. I may need to double up on anxiety meds to get through this, but I won't let my child down. He's a neat kid and deserves a fair shake at life. I want him to feel like he can achieve anything if he wants it badly enough. Because that really is how the world works.

I got to see Son #1 play in a Battle of the Bands this past weekend. What a proud moment for me! And I know Hubby was cheering from the heavens for him as well. And #1 Son invited The Child to attend. He was sooooo flattered that his big brother invited him to be a part of something major in his life. That's really cool!

There's a lot of love surrounding me. I'm pretty damn lucky!

Now.... time to get more Ninja on this house and whip it into better shape!

First Annual Sisters Weekend

My sisters and I have been trying to get away and let 'er rip for at least a year now.
We had plans to do this last year, but before we could solidify plans, Hubby had his spleenectomy, and, well, of course it was all down hill from there.

But this year, instead of planning for months, my sis asked me a few weeks ago if I was up for doing this some time in September. I said no. September holds too many anniversaries of major events in my life and I don't know that I'll be up to partying. So I asked if they would be up to it in August, and even though Cousin Terri backed out of the plans, my 2 sisters and I went ahead with it.

We booked a suite at the Copper Leaf Hotel and what a room it was! Very comfortable, clean and accommodating! And the staff is impeccable!

After we checked in, I realized that I had forgotten to pack something to wear in the whirl pool. So we simply had to go shopping! I've never been to Kohls, and I found some very cute stuff on sale there, but no swim suit. So, we went to Walmart and found a suit, and some booze and munchies for our room!

By the time we had our shopping completed, we were all starving, so we headed to Good Company for dinner. They make a very good Cajun Steak there. And we all also tried a "Fantasy Island" which is rum, blue curacao and some other booze. It was a bit tart for my liking.

After dinner, we came back to our room for a cocktail while we got dressed up for the night.

With Bonnie's car, safely tucked in for the night, we headed on foot to the pubs of College Avenue.

Our first stop was The Durty Leprechaun. I think this could become my new favourite pub.
When we arrived, we found that the bartenders have uniforms to compliment the Irish motif of the pub. Very cute. And one bartender in particular has a real flair for mixing drinks and was quite entertaining (click on the link for a video!). By nine, it was time for a shift change, though. The replacements were two young gals wearing short plaid skirts, and tank tops.... the men REALLY packed the place at that time!
Sorry for the poor clarity of the photos, they were taken with my cell phone and I was trying to be discreet!

We headed next to The Bad Badger. A newer pub that wasn't nearly as busy and didn't really impress me much.

Cleo's is a very fun place. There are millions of Christmas ornaments and decorations and lights hanging from the ceiling which really creates a fun atmosphere.

The place was packed, and the crowd was much more around our age. But because it was so packed, it was also hard to get a bartender's attention. Not fun. But we did get a laugh out of all the men who were casually dressed in flippies which accentuated the fact that they often wear shorts with socks in the sun because the tan ends there! Sexy! Sister Barb coulda got lucky there!

Throughout the night, Bonnie and I took turns taking pictures and texting Cousin Terri. She couldn't join us, but she got a play-by-play description of every silly moment of the evening.

After we left Cleo's, we went over to Park Central to see if there was music worthy of dancing to. By this time of night, people are coming into full swing, and the crowd both inside and outside of Park Central were wholly entertaining! (As was the Subway Employee who happened to be outside smoking. He told me about the dance club up the street and said they actually have poles on the dance floor!)

As we went to leave Park Central, there was a chubby gal standing outside with a group who was wearing a tight short skirt and fish net stockings. I said to Sister Bon "So,do you think I could pull that off?"

Without missing a beat, she says "Well, you could, but she might fight you!"

Next, I was determined to go to said dance place and make Sister Barb do a pole dance, but Sister Bon decided it was whirl pool time instead. So we headed up to our room, poured a shitload of rum into a 2 liter Pepsi bottle, and headed down to the whirlpool!

It was a great way to wind down the evening.

Silly Cousin Terri thought she was waking me by texting replies at 7:30 this morning, but I was already awake and contemplating the day ahead!

We lazed around for a few hours watching HGTV, and whinging that our coffee maker didn't work. Once we all showered, we headed down to our complimentary breakfast, which wasn't bad. And they had 8 different selections of coffee for us! Yay!!!

Then, it was off to Gordman's because Barb and I had never been there before. I spent far too much money shopping this weekend, but damn it, this is a splurgy weekend, and I couldn't resist the cute clothes!

At about that time, my great lack of sleep was starting to catch up with me, so I was glad we were all ready to head home!

Special thanks to Andy and Lindsey for watching The Child for me so that I could get away for a much needed break! All three of us desperately needed this weekend, and it was well worth it!

The Beading Fool

Been working on making a good selection of necklaces to bring in to work to sell to my co-workers. I'm almost there. It's an obsession. It's good therapy. They're shiny.

I discovered Wednesday night that I have a total of 9 - count them - NINE bananas. So last night I baked 3 loaves of my famous Banana Bread and brought them in to work today to share with my beloved co-workers. And now, tonight, I'm making yet another 3 loaves to give to my beloved family. Baked with love. And yummy special ingredients that make it extra fattening and tasty!

I'm thinking I may need to find myself a steady babysitter for Friday nights. I find myself missing Jim the most on Friday nights. It's crazy. There are a million week nights when I am home and have time to think, but there is just something about Fridays that strike the sadness chord in me. Maybe if I had plans to be out and about, I wouldn't have so much time to be sad. I don't want to be sad.

And where the hell did my favourite Collective Soul CD get off to? Did someone borrow it? If you did, please bring it back cuz I miss it desperately!

Interestingly enough, something else that I discovered missing has returned. I was correct in my suspicians. Some people you just can't trust. Don't ask me to elaborate on this one. It's between them and God long as I'm sorted.

So... I'd best get back to my beading. I'm in an orange mood lately. Orange is shiny.

Been Busy

Hi all. It's been a difficult week here at Kuhrsville.
Tuesday marked the 3 month anniversary of Hubby's passing, and it was also his birthday.
He would have been 45. That just really sucks. I remember my 45th birthday because he made it so special for me. It's not fair!

So I've started a new project - more as a means to occupy my mind this week. A Sanity Project, if you will. And I am really liking the results!

My Living Room has been a Terra Cotta Orange for the past eight years. And I have liked it well enough through out these years. But since Jim has passed away, I find myself avoiding my Living Room. It's dark. It's gloomy. It needs some life to it! Something HAPPY!

I always have a difficult time choosing a good green paint. They always come out looking like
mint taffy and I JUST HATE IT! But this week, I went to the hardware store and took a look at their pre-mixed colours, and I found one called New Orleans. I painted a little sample of it on my Loving Room wall and stood back to look at it. Not bad.

So I let it sit for an hour, contemplating it now and again. Then, I grabbed my camera, took a picture, and sent it to three trusted loved ones for their real opinion. The vote was unanimous! And so, New Orleans it is!


I am REALLY loving how cheery it makes the room! And my poor battered plants look more vibrant with this new colour as well (The new kitten sure has been giving them all quite a beating!).

I still have one massive corner to complete yet. You know, the one where the Entertainment Center is. That puppy is HEAVY! And I need to take out all of the millions of books before I can move it, or it will snap in half! I figure that will be a good project for tomorrow morning.

Lots of plans brewing for this holiday weekend. I probably won't have this project completed until later next week. But that's okay. As I said, it's a sanity project. Just what I needed. I especially need this project to be a success so that I can build up my Home Improvement confidence for my next, even larger project.... The Bedroom Ceiling! Now THAT will take muscle AND talent! But I've finally got my favourite girlie drill charged up and ready to handle the task!

By the way.... for those of you who aren't quite warming up to the new living room colour... I am betting Hubby would have agreed with you. He hated the Terra Cotta at first too, but it grew on him. I can't help it. I think there's a spanish woman somewhere in side of me who is dying to get out and decorate a villa somewhere! Just wait until you see my back hall! (cue evil laughter!).

Have a happy and safe holiday weekend!