Pardon my poor grammar....

The day started out with a small success, but it's been all down hill since that moment.
I want to scream to the heavens and rip my hair out right now.

The one person I could always talk things over with that I could always count on a good perspective from has been taken from me.

I no longer like this day. Go away, Day!

Climbing that hill....

These past 9 and a half months have been quite a journey for both me and The Child. We have both had our ups and downs, and although the downs have been fewer, that does not by any means make them less severe.

I have seen dramatic improvement in The Child's attitude as we move forward. He has gotten away with a lot in these past few years because Hubby and I were so busy dealing with so many other things that we somehow only managed his behavior instead of grabbing it by the ears and examining it. I have been doing a lot of examining in these past six months and slowly setting an action plan into place. I have been putting more ownership of his behavior and his disciplines onto him so that he can be more independent. More chores, more social interaction, more discussion of how we are dealing with the things life throws at us. And I think it is helping him grow a lot. He needs to take responsibility for his actions.

We are to the point now where I need to keep an even more watchful eye on him and closely monitor his behavior at school. I have an action plan, and I believe he will do well with it.
We're making progress. To me, that makes all the difference in the world. We take our successes as they come. Small triumphs are still triumphs.

SO at this point, I don't have to quit my job and home school The Child. It is certainly a possibility in the future. But hopefully, if we stay on track, things will not need to go in that direction. Which is good, because I love my co-workers and my patients, and I need that successful feeling of making a difference in my patients lives. It helps to define who I am.

And I thought Oshkosh was greedy!

I saw this in the Oshkosh Northwestern site and found it quite humorous:

Sidewalk amendment sought in Omro

OMRO – The Omro Common Council will consider an ordinance amendment tonight to have the city pay a larger portion of sidewalk replacement costs when it meets at 7 p.m.

Since the council changed the formula in 2002 to have property owners pay 70 percent and the city pay 30 percent, not a single new sidewalk has been installed, said City Administrator Linda Kutchenriter.

The old formula prior to 2002 had the city paying 70 percent and the property owner paying 30 percent. A new plan to share the cost 50-50 will be considered by the council. The meeting will be held in the lower level council chambers at City Hall, 205 S. Webster Ave.

Not a single sidewalk has been laid since they flipped the expenses. What a riot!

Come On, 2011!!!!

I've never really been one for New Years Resolutions. I know I lack the discipline to keep them. But I can't help but have hope as this most awful year comes to a close and a new one looms around the corner with promise.

I wish I could make it a rule that no loved ones are allowed to die in 2011. But I already know that is a tough one that I don't have the power to inflict. And I do have a loved one who is battling cancer at this moment. So I know I need to thicken my hide and show all the love I can to that dear person for as long as I have to share with them.

I've been a total spaz this year, and rightly so. The changes have come as rapid as the emotions I feel while dealing with life in general. I'm not the same person I was a year ago. Certainly not the same person I was two years ago. I can't say that I 'm a better person, just a different person.

My house and the shape it is in has always reflected my emotions and the way I am looking at life in a particular day or week. I go through bouts of just not giving a damn, and my house gets all cluttered with stuff. And then suddenly I will start caring again and try to put Humpty Dumpty back together again, and then it gets overwhelming and I let it all go again.

I think my New Years Resolution ought to be to finish purging this house of stuff, and to dedicate a time daily to tend to housework. It's difficult to do this, though. Technically, I'm only here 3 hours a day, and when I get home from work, I'm totally spent.

But I want to find a better way. Whether it is changing jobs entirely, or cutting down on the hours I work at my current place of employ so that I actually have time for me and The Child. I need to do this. Something's gotta give. I can't keep juggling everything when I am emotionally and physically drained every day. Don't get me wrong. I LOVE my job. My coworkers are some of the most beautiful people I've ever met. And my patients are so dear to me. It's all of the administrative stuff that wears me to a nub.

2010 has been the shittiest year ever. If I had a time machine, I would go back to any year other than this one. There has just been too much loss and too many mountains to climb and too many emotions to work around.

I will try to take better care of my houseplants in 2011. The poor dears have been suffering at my hand this past year. I just don't have the attention span I had previously.

I want to finally finish the ceiling in my bedroom this next year, and paint my bathroom, and probably lay a new kitchen floor. Perhaps I should make a motto. Get 'er done in two oh one one!

I will try to be more positive and not let things shatter me like I allowed them to this year. After all, I can't stay on anti- anxiety meds forever. It's a bummer trying to remember to take them twice a day. And paying for regular doctor visits is only draining me financially. But hopefully I can claim all that and regain it back when I do taxes.

SO there you have it. I know there will be bad things in 2011. I know things will not become magically simple in this next year. But I will still look toward it with hope.

Happy New Year to all my loved ones who read my blog. You are all beautiful and very important. You all make a difference in my life and I would be lost without you!

No one said life is fair.....

Had a patient call today who shares the exact same birthday as Hubby. I know it is just an ironic coincidence that is bound to happen now and again. But I needed someone to triage her symptoms and when Cindy asked how old the gal was, I almost said 44. Because she has the same birthday as Hubby. But, no, she got to turn 45. That hurts.

What a roller-coaster of a day! But I won't let it get me down.

Finding a better way

That's the Aurora Motto.
My life is in transition at the moment, and that is exactly what I am doing. Finding a better way.

I received the sweetest card from a patient yesterday. It means a lot to me that I have touched someone's life so deeply that they felt the need to send a card to me and say so.

I'm really going to miss my patients. But hey! I'll run into them at the grocery store, or at Gallery Walk, or the Dollar Tree.

I have a line on something promising. If this pans out, we're golden!
Will say more next week! Stay tuned!!!

How Long Must I Be Prey To These Evil Grist Mongers?

That's a favorite saying of Hubby's. When it would all hit the fan, he would stand in the middle of the living room and say this with his arms in the air.

It totally hit the fan yesterday. The Child was lining up with his classmates to come in for recess, and he was goofing around with the kid in front of him - a pal of his - and he pretended to choke this friend. Well, of course the Playground Supervisor saw this as a violent act and reported it to the principal, who in turn reported it to the superintendent, who now feels The Child is a danger to his classmates and must be suspended for the remainder of 2010.

As if I'm not challenged enough trying to find someone to watch him during Christmas Break. Now, they've added even more of a challenge to this already difficult situation.

I told my boss yesterday that it is looking like I am going to have to quit my job and home-school my son. I told her that I had hoped to keep my foot in the door, working only two days a week, so that come September, I could re-enroll him into public school, but at the moment, there are no 2 day a week openings. She is going to talk to HR about it. But if I quit, I will have to give three weeks notice in order to keep any benefits that I have in order. Not that I have a lot of benefits. But I do have vacation time building. That's sort of a non-issue at this point, cuz I'm using it up quickly with all of these shenanigans.

I don't like feeling like I am undependable. And I really don't like feeling like I've been shoved into a corner with nowhere to turn. I feel the school system has failed my child terribly. And putting him in a class room with troubled children is only going to elevate the problems The Child already has. He's not a bad kid. He's been through much more than any child his age and they refuse to acknowledge that his anger comes from things beyond his control.

But if I don't do all that I as a parent can do for him, then I will have failed him as well.
I need to keep positive and know that this is the vow I have taken in life. When you give birth to a child, your heart tells you that you must protect that child forever no matter what the risk is to yourself.

And, hey! It's only money we'll be lacking in. And we do have resources at hand. I think it's for the best right now.

Do I sound like I'm talking myself into this? Well, I guess I sort of am. Its scary jumping into the unknown, even though I know we will be okay, and that I am perfectly capable of doing this. Neither one of us really got to take a proper break to really grieve the loss of Hubby. We've been just trying to tread water and keep going. There is so much we need to work out in our hearts and our minds and I think it is only proper that we do this as a team, The Child and me. We will walk through this fire and come out stronger, smarter, and better for it.