Crap!

My Horoscope for today:
The emotional intensity is building up again, but you probably believe that you can power your way through the hardest parts. Slow down and use your intellectual prowess to decipher the complexities of your heart. It's not that thoughtful contemplation is more important than feelings; it's just that both work and play could benefit from a bit of logic to help you maintain a healthy perspective..

Ain't no logic gonna get me through this hump.
Some weeks are harder than others. This happens to be one of them. I'm not even going to count, But our anniversary is Sunday.

I allowed The Child to have a friend to sleep over and we had a Bon-fire. They went inside, and I sat out there and cried for a while. I needed that. It's been a hell of a week.I needed this week like a hole in my head.

Howie Day put it pretty well...

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills my mind
I somehow find
You and I collide

I know I will see myself through this. I have been through worse. It is just that certain landmarks in time force me to take that journey backwards and feel all the feelings - revisit the pain, turn in around like a Rubic's cube, spin a new perspective.... except this time, there is no real new perspective. The pain is as fresh and real as it was when I was going through it standing nightly beside my dryer crying in the basement where no one could see me. God, I miss him. Shame on you for taking him from me. Shame on you. He was 44 years old. So much to do. So much to see. So many people left to touch with his wisdom and the beautiful way that he looked at life. Damn you!