Peace

I haven't been posting much lately. I have been too busy trying to bring continued harmony to my own home. I think it's working. The Child is going on 5 full weeks of school with no drama! FIVE WEEKS!!!! That is FANTABULOUS!!!!!

He has come a long way in this past year, given all of the hurdles he has had to climb. I am so proud of him!

My Number One Son has been working through his own obstacles these days as well. I know it will not be an easy road. I know there will be changes we as a family will have to make in support of his health and well-being too. Family Christmas may need to become a dry event at least for this year so that he can know that we are behind him and want him to succeed.

This is going to be a hard one for us to work with. My son has a problem with alcohol. I happen to enjoy getting the occasional chance to consume some myself. And it is not me who has the problem. So why do I feel guilty about wanting to get out and party? It is quite a crux to contend with.

Work has been quite stressful lately. My guts are just rolling by the time I leave that building each day. I love my co-workers, and I love my patients. But the job itself is so non-stop go go go that it batters my energy level into the ground. I hate that. I need all the energy I can get to keep this house going.

I got my taxes filed and sent in on time. That in itself was quite a challenge. Yet another mountain to climb as a widow. I procrastinated this duty way longer than I should have because I just didn't want to face all of the research it took to do it correctly. If you're married, make it a point to die first, because then you won't have to deal with all of this official bullshit. I had to file Married Filing Jointly and then sign on Jim's dotted line as Surviving Spouse. There were other areas I had to research as well, such as funeral deductions, medical expenses, credits and my eligibility.... no easy task. And because I had to actually sign on the dotted line, I couldn't file electronically. Noooo! I had to do it the old fashioned way. Which means I will probably have to wait longer for my refund. But at least I am getting a refund! I won't complain!

I also had to figure Number 1 Son's taxes as he is indisposed at the moment. That was interesting. Hell, if I can get through filing both my own unique tax situation and my oldest Son's tax situation, maybe I ought to consider getting an accounting degree this year and think about doing people's taxes for them for a fee. It would be a great cushion to get us through tough times to come. Something to seriously consider....

I had asked off for Easter vacation some time ago, and to my surprise, I actually was granted 10 luxurious days at home with The Child. I am SO looking forward to that! Even if it is supposed to rain for most of that time, I can get my house back in order, purge more bags of stuff, and paint my bathroom while trying to come up with something fun and interesting to do with The Child. We are also going to get together with Marcia and Jake at least once while on vacation. Marcia and I are twins separated at birth, and it would be very cool if our kids got to know each other better and maybe found that they too are twins separated at birth. Oh what fun we could have taking over the world!

So! Just one more stressful day of work tomorrow. I think I can handle that.

We had a doozie of a snow storm yesterday. I don't know if the National Weather Service named this one, But I took it upon myself to name it. I called it Tom Jones. Everyone kept saying "It's not supposed to snow in April!" But my answer was: "It's Not Unusual!" Ba Dump Dum!

It was a beautiful storm in spite of its timing. I hope my Hyacinth plants recover. I haven't gotten to smell their heavenly scent yet! This storm, as most everything else, reminded me of Hubby. I was telling Billy on the bus the other day that Prince wrote a song that suits this snow storm......

Sleep would be wonderful

It's the one month anniversary of Hubby's funeral.
Today, we'll be putting his ashes to rest.
I thought I'd be okay with this, but no, my heart and my brain are both battling against my soul. I know it's going to take a LONG time to get through this. And it really has helped to have this month in between such major steps. I just hate feeling so fragile. Everybody keeps telling me that I'm such a strong woman. Well, yes, I am. But this has just been such a hard journey from the get go.

What many of you may not be aware of, is that this is also the anniversary of the day it all started to go down hill. May 1, 2009 is when Jim got a phone call telling him that his lab results were back and his red blood cell count was ridiculously low again, and that he'd best get in for a transfusion pronto. From there, it was the crazy journey of dealing with being way under-insured, knowing that no matter what, we had to dive in and do this. But at least a year ago there was still hope.

I remember being so upset with him. Not because of the financial crisis we were heading for, but because Hubby always had a habit of pulling back from me when he was sick because he didn't want to be a burden to me. And for me, this really hurt and frustrated me. It took forever to get it through his head that no matter what, we were in this together and I would gladly care for him no matter what it took.

And in caring for him through this journey, it gave the love I had for him a lot of texture. It actually helped me to find so many new ways to love him even more than I already did.
Jim was such a good man. I never realized just how much he did to take care of me. I always thought it was the other way around. And my main concern was that we were both giving The Child the care that HE needed. And Jim was the ultimate loving father. He never talked to Andy or Jerry like they were kids. He talked to them like they were highly intelligent adults. It was a beautiful thing to witness.

I don't get much restful sleep these days. The meds no longer do the trick, and I'll be damned if I want to be on something "more permanent" to get through this. I know it's my brain working through all of the "What If's". And my brain really does need to do that. I've always been a puzzle solver. That's how I approach life, and every problem within it. And my brain just can't accept the fact that it couldn't solve this puzzle called cancer. This puzzle called losing the love of your life in a slow, painful way. When this all started, I remember saying "We're too young for this! Maybe if it happened 10 years from now we'd be more ready to deal with it, but we're not in that mindset yet." But that's life. We're never really ready for anything it throws at us.

But maybe it's good that I woke up crying today. I was too stunned and overwhelmed at his funeral to cry. I've never really been one for public crying. I much prefer to stand by my dryer and purge. I'm surprised there's any finish left on that dryer these days.

So... I've spent enough time feeling sorry for myself today. Time to put on my battle uniform and face the world.