Like Charlie Sheen, I'm Winning, but for different reasons

Tomorrow is my sister's Birthday, so we went out tonight for dinner and cocktails. It was nice.
But they weren't able to stay for a bonfire after-wards. Bummer. I have a bottle of Strawberry Wine with their names on it.

So.... it was just me in the back yard with a fire.... too nice of a night to let it pass without a fire.
After all, I had the shell of an old wooden planter from our yard in the fire pit ready to torch.

So what do I do when I have a fire in the back yard and it's just me and my lonesome? Well, I talk to Hubby. After all, he did promise me that every time I have a fire in the fire pit he would be there.

So, I talked to him a bit. Sang to him a bit. I sang him some of the original songs I had written just for him. And then I sang some of my favourite songs that we did back in our band days.... which lead to the song Diamonds and Rust. Wow. Joan Baiez was so prolific. And it struck me how timely that song is for me right here right now.

I know I need to move on. I so badly want to move on. Because all memories give me is diamonds and rust. I need to move forward still further and get beyond that.

I'm sick of being alone. It sucks trying to maintain everything. I don't mind being in charge, but, dang! Some things I would rather let anybody else handle.

I have been working on the front yard all this week because I have some brick work coming on Monday. I am SO SICK of weeding and fighting Mother Nature when it comes to my yard. I have NEVER been an outdoors kind of person. I HATE bugs and weeds. And why the hell have they suddenly decided to take over? They never did in years past. Or perhaps Hubby did much more with the yard than I gave him credit? I dunno. I just know that I am an indoors kind of gal and I need to put "Adores Yard-work" on my checklist for a future potential mate.


Today was such a beautiful day. I was in good spirits, and the weather was amazing. And it is lovely having the windows open and hearing St Vinnie's Clock ringing each hour. It brings comfort to me and reminds me of better days. But you know what? It is up to ME to bring my OWN BETTER DAYS right here, right now. I am building a pretty cool life here for me and my boys. We have walked through the ashes and we need to get beyond that and make it all worth it. THAT is why GOD put us on this earth.

Landscaping...

Why do I do this to myself?
I really dislike yard work, landscaping and gardening. And yet I love the flowers.
One of my favourite places is The Healing Garden at work. It is so amazing to see everything bloom, each plant in its own time. It starts out purple, and then goes red, and then blue and then gold as the seasons progress. Gorgeous.

I could only hope to be able to create such an ecosystem. Especially with my lack of knowledge.

But at the moment, I am working toward the goal of not having to weed that vast dirt hump in my front yard. My patio block comes on Monday. So I have much to do to prepare. I need to dig up my Hyacinth plants and hastas and put them in a tub for now, so that they don't get trampled as I work on that area.

I know what I HOPE it will look like when completed. This will be a true test of patience.
I want it done and I want it done NOW. But if I want it to look nice, I need to take my time - an hour each evening, to get it right.

I just wish Mother Nature didn't provide so many bugs and slugs! Yuck!

Why do I do this to myself? Yes, I do know the answer to that. I am finishing one of Hubby's goals. He wanted the front yard to look professionally landscaped. He didn't get the chance to do it. I have the opportunity, and I am taking it.

Oh, but he has no idea!

My darling child just came home and DEMANDED that I order him Chicken Nuggets and Fries for Dinner from Player's because he is ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN that I don't want him to STARVE TO DEATH!

WOW! This, after I had already made dinner for us both earlier, and he turned his nose up to it. I told him that I was not going to make him something different. He made himself a peanut butter sandwich and then left to play with his buddy.

These sort of tactics may work for his buddy when dealing with his buddy's mother. But I have never been the classic dictionary definition of ANYTHING! Why would Motherhood be any different? I don't run on guilt. I run on HUGS!!!

Anxiety

I have an Anxiety Disorder. I went to my doctor on the last leg of Hubby's Journey to get help. It was all too much for me to try to do it on my own. And here we are, over a year later, and I still feel the need to be on Anxiety Meds. In spite of how far I have come and how strong I have been, there are moments when I still feel like I am just spinning my wheels.

The crazy thing is, I hadn't really given much thought to my own diagnosis in the past year. It was only at my last appointment that I was informed that I suffer from an Anxiety Disorder and Borderline Depression. I find that a bit absurd since never once did I tell my doctor that I suffer from depression. It's 90% anxiety and maybe 5% Depression. Somehow in growing up, I was given the excellent tools to deal with depression and to hold onto all of the beautiful things that come to me in life.

A few months ago, I had it in my mind that maybe it was time to say goodbye to the medication. But then as the date for my checkup neared, all hell broke loose again in my life, and I decided that maybe I ought to just continue for a while. Doctor agrees with me.

Since then, I have been monitoring how I am feeling much more closely. And still, it's not so much depression. But I do still get a LOT of Mini-Anxiety Attacks. I hate it! Mostly because I know that if I discuss it with my doctor, he is going to try to add more drugs to my regimen. And what I want is LESS, not more! And at one point, he did try to add another Depression medication on top of the Anxiety meds I already take. The result? Sweet Baby Jesus! I found myself so deep in depression I couldn't stand myself! Fortunately, I was smart enough to see that it was the medications causing me to feel that way and not ME!!!

Of course, there really is no medication that is going to fully remove all of the anxiety I have. I need to cope with it and try to keep moving forward. Forward is just a really fucked up place at the moment. I am having a difficult time picturing what it needs to be.

I need to get out more. I need to be out amongst my loved ones and have more FUN!!! Life is just too damned serious these days! I need more silly. Bring it on!

No Stress, No Mess!

This is the best Monday I have had in such a long time! I am so glad I am on vacation!
I have a To Do list that I made last week, and I keep adding to it, and keep chipping away at it a little each day. It feels so good to be accomplishing all of the tasks that have been stressing me out for ages.

I finally got out in my yard and cleaned up all the mess and debris from last fall, and hacked up all the dead brush. Unfortunately, I wasn't thinking, and didn't take any allergy meds first.... which lead to an asthma attack from inhaling all that pollen and mildew. Live and learn.

I wish I were more organized. I seem to be taking the ADD approach to cleaning. But I DID get 8 bags of trash filled to put on the curb tonight. I feel good about that!

The Child wants to have a fire tonight. I think I'm gonna burn the brush I chopped up today, as well as last years grape vines.

One mysterious thing I am wondering about, though.... it looks like somebody trimmed down my rose bush. I know that I did not trim it. So who the heck did? That's just odd!

I'm starting to get excited and frustrated about my front yard. I have some really cool ideas on what to do with that big area where the bushes used to be. I don't want it to become over-run with weeds again this year, and I want to lay brick-work over it, and still allow my Hyacinth Plants to sprout through, and have a ton of potted plants out there. I can picture it in my mind. All I need is my tax refund. It can't get here soon enough. I know what I want to do, and I want it done yesterday and not next month! But that's what I get for procrastinating on my taxes....

I had 2 step-stools on my porch that I took out back and stained the same color as the front steps. I want to set those out front as well, and put pots on them. I think that will look rustically cute!

I also started painting my bathroom on Saturday. I had chosen a color for the woodwork way back in December, and had been putting off painting. And now, as I started covering up that ugly green trim that I never really liked, I found that the color I was aiming for and the color I chose are quite different. I was aiming for burgundy, but I bought a berry color instead. But the more I paint, the more I really like the color. It's happy and bold! Hubby would HATE HATE HATE it! It is quite girlie. We are supposed to get some rainy days this week. I will get back to my painting on those days. It was far too nice outside today to spend it locked in a tiny bathroom!

Well, time to get dinner going, and then a fire! Have a great Monday Evening, everyone!

Oh! And Happy Belated Birthday to our "Little" Cracker! He turned one yesterday!

Peace

I haven't been posting much lately. I have been too busy trying to bring continued harmony to my own home. I think it's working. The Child is going on 5 full weeks of school with no drama! FIVE WEEKS!!!! That is FANTABULOUS!!!!!

He has come a long way in this past year, given all of the hurdles he has had to climb. I am so proud of him!

My Number One Son has been working through his own obstacles these days as well. I know it will not be an easy road. I know there will be changes we as a family will have to make in support of his health and well-being too. Family Christmas may need to become a dry event at least for this year so that he can know that we are behind him and want him to succeed.

This is going to be a hard one for us to work with. My son has a problem with alcohol. I happen to enjoy getting the occasional chance to consume some myself. And it is not me who has the problem. So why do I feel guilty about wanting to get out and party? It is quite a crux to contend with.

Work has been quite stressful lately. My guts are just rolling by the time I leave that building each day. I love my co-workers, and I love my patients. But the job itself is so non-stop go go go that it batters my energy level into the ground. I hate that. I need all the energy I can get to keep this house going.

I got my taxes filed and sent in on time. That in itself was quite a challenge. Yet another mountain to climb as a widow. I procrastinated this duty way longer than I should have because I just didn't want to face all of the research it took to do it correctly. If you're married, make it a point to die first, because then you won't have to deal with all of this official bullshit. I had to file Married Filing Jointly and then sign on Jim's dotted line as Surviving Spouse. There were other areas I had to research as well, such as funeral deductions, medical expenses, credits and my eligibility.... no easy task. And because I had to actually sign on the dotted line, I couldn't file electronically. Noooo! I had to do it the old fashioned way. Which means I will probably have to wait longer for my refund. But at least I am getting a refund! I won't complain!

I also had to figure Number 1 Son's taxes as he is indisposed at the moment. That was interesting. Hell, if I can get through filing both my own unique tax situation and my oldest Son's tax situation, maybe I ought to consider getting an accounting degree this year and think about doing people's taxes for them for a fee. It would be a great cushion to get us through tough times to come. Something to seriously consider....

I had asked off for Easter vacation some time ago, and to my surprise, I actually was granted 10 luxurious days at home with The Child. I am SO looking forward to that! Even if it is supposed to rain for most of that time, I can get my house back in order, purge more bags of stuff, and paint my bathroom while trying to come up with something fun and interesting to do with The Child. We are also going to get together with Marcia and Jake at least once while on vacation. Marcia and I are twins separated at birth, and it would be very cool if our kids got to know each other better and maybe found that they too are twins separated at birth. Oh what fun we could have taking over the world!

So! Just one more stressful day of work tomorrow. I think I can handle that.

We had a doozie of a snow storm yesterday. I don't know if the National Weather Service named this one, But I took it upon myself to name it. I called it Tom Jones. Everyone kept saying "It's not supposed to snow in April!" But my answer was: "It's Not Unusual!" Ba Dump Dum!

It was a beautiful storm in spite of its timing. I hope my Hyacinth plants recover. I haven't gotten to smell their heavenly scent yet! This storm, as most everything else, reminded me of Hubby. I was telling Billy on the bus the other day that Prince wrote a song that suits this snow storm......

Mental Health Day

I deserve it. This has been the week from hell.
Tuesday, The anniversary of Hubby's passing was spent caring for my oldest son. Friends and family helped to make the day much better as it went along.

Wednesday I was too tired to accomplish much or even feel much for that matter. And #1 Son had finally set his mind to checking himself into a treatment center. I truly hope they are good at their job and are able to make him see that no one is going to fix things for him. He has a lot of work ahead of him, but he can do it if he sets his mind to it.

Thursday, I got to visit with my beautiful Grandson.

Friday, April Fools Day, is the anniversary of Hubby's funeral service. And it is also the day I received message that Hubby's Aunt had passed away.
The Child was supposed to have a sleep over last night, and I was SO hoping he would do that, because I really could have used a night out on the town. But, alas, it was not meant to be.

So today, I went to the video store and I rented two movies.
Knocked Up had me laughing out loud through most of it. It was a well-written story, and the actors were amazing! And, of course, I needed the tissues after that.

Sadly, after the week I have had, once I started crying, it was difficult to stop. I needed that.

Movie number two, which I watched this evening was The Notebook. Oh yeah. Now THAT was a tear- jerker if I ever saw one!

It is therapeutic for me. It allows my mind to contemplate all of the things that I just keep pushing to the back of my mind, and work out how I really feel about everything.

Thing is, #1 Son checked himself in this week saying it is a 90 day program, and for the first 30 days, there would be no contact with the outside world. Lo and behold, I received a phone call from him Friday informing me that Sunday is visitor day and could I come bringing him a list of stuff he needs? What the hell? I had plans for Sunday!!!!!!!! Visiting hours are right at the time I planned to go grocery shopping! And I don't drive! So figuring out how to get to Fond du Lac posed yet another challenge, especially on such short notice.

I want to give him moral support during this important step in his life, but I am running out of ME to share!!!! I am tired of having to be at the ready for all the added bullshit that comes flying in my direction. I personally live a low-key simple life, and I LOVE it that way!!!! If people would let it STAY that way, I could accomplish more, and would be able to heal much faster! When too much crap comes flying my way, I tend to shut down. That doesn't help me either.

And truth be told, I have a lot of hurt and anger inside of me toward #1 Son. No son should EVER treat their mother the way he has in this past year, and especially in these past few months. And I know it is addiction I have been seeing. But Still, I have my guard up. WAY up. It is going to take a LOT to mend this rift he has caused. He has lost my trust. And that is not an easy thing to earn back, parent or no parent.

So, yes! I NEEDED this day of purging and thinking and reflecting. I will be a stronger person tomorrow for it.