Heavy

Yesterday marked the two month passing of my darling Hubby.
It was a very hard day for me. I woke up thinking of our last anniversary together. How in spite of seeing that things were starting to spin out of control, we made the best of it with humour and love. I couldn't help but start crying as I thought about it yesterday morning. Neither of us ever thought that it would be the last anniversary we would get to share.

I'm doing good for the most part. I've had a growing list of items that I wanted to get to the hardware store to buy, but it has taken me some time to actually get to the hardware store. That's a Saturday thing, and my Saturdays have been busy (and I am grateful that they have been filled with love and fun with friends and family).

So I came home from the hardware store with supplies to complete several home projects, one of which was to re-wire a vintage lamp. It's not just any vintage lamp. Three years ago, Hubby and I spent Mother's Day hitting rummage sales and estate sales. We had such a fabulous time that day. At one of the estate sales, we spied two sets of vintage lamps. One set was simple, with a retro feel to them, and the other set was a pair of ornate crystal lamps with very hideous pink lamp shades. I fell in love with the crystal set (minus the awful lamp shades!), and Hubby fell in love with the retro set. In the midst of swapping bedrooms with The Child last winter, I ran across the box of crystal lamps and decided it was time to get them out and actually use them.

Unfortunately, one of them refused to work. I'd watched Hubby re-wire a lamp before, and couldn't get over how simple a task it actually is, considering you're working with electrical stuff). It's only taken me 6 months to get around to buying a rewiring kit (so sue me, I was busy) but last night, it took me all of fifteen minutes to rewire it. I'm quite impressed with myself!

I completed several other household projects last night as well. It felt good to keep busy. We bought a pool yesterday at Target. It's surprisingly big for the mere $30 we spent on it! #1 Son was so wonderful to help create a place to set it up. The most logical place is the driveway so that we wouldn't kill the grass. That, of course meant we'd have to move the camper (Thank you #1 son!) and create a clean surface.

I wanted to lay a tarp under it for added protection. That's where things got tough. I had to dig through Hubby's favourite things in search of tarps. I know he put them in a Rubbermaid tub somewhere, but I was unable to find it yesterday. And it's just as well (thick plastic will do). It's hard enough sifting through all of that stuff - stuff he loved to use and will never get to use again. It's heartbreaking! It's hard to part with all of it because he loved these things, but I know that I will never use them. Angst.

But we got the pool set up and ready to roll. And it's big enough so that I can dip in it too! I like that. Baby Liam has the same pool so he and Mommy and Daddy can escape the heat this summer as well. I know he's gonna love it!

So you see, my day yesterday was the same as my entire week had been. Filled with peaks and valleys. On Monday night, Audry had finished processing the photo shoot she had done of Grandbaby Liam. She did SUCH an amazing job! And Liam is such a willing subject. What a poser!

We had to put our older cat to sleep on Tuesday, and that was quite an emotional day. But now that she's gone, I am realizing just how much maintenance she required. And I wonder how the hell I did that and care for Hubby at the same time. It's not a wonder my house is a cluttered mess. Who's got time with all that going on? No more revolting litter boxes to change. No more obsessing about keeping butter in the fridge or the cat would get it. No more rattling of dirty dishes in the middle of the night by our people- food - obsessed cat. No more finding creative ways to get her to take her meds. No more surprise puddles. No more wondering when I was going to come home and find that she's expired. It's over. She was a fairly good kitty. I loved her, but she was first Andy's kitty, and then became Jim's companion. She was never very fond of me, except for when she wanted fresh food and a fresh litter box. Then she'd act as if she were whoring herself out to get what she wanted from me. We just never bonded properly. And yet I still miss her. Ya gotta respect a cat with that much attitude.

Our remaining kitty is a bit lost as well. She keeps asking where Fijhonna's bowls went to, and where Fijhonna herself went to. And she has no one to try to play with.... for now. But she's my sweetie. This morning she hopped up on the bed and asked to come under the covers and snuggle with me. I love that - except that she was outside last evening and got into something that I am highly allergic to. Yay. And then she went and snuggled up to The Child with her head on his shoulder. Sweet! (of course by the time I went for the camera, the snapshot moment had passed).

We will be adopting a new kitten as soon as he is ready to leave his mommy. He is all white just like our Huckleberry was. Huck was the best cat EVAR! Hopefully our new family member will be able to fill such big paws. At the moment, he is called "Milk". and he's adorable!
He's going to get lots of love here at Kuhrsville!

Oh! One more peak for this week.... I ran into Frank-From-Lowes at the grocery store on Thursday. It was good to see him again. And I got to meet his lovely daughter Melissa. She's a true beauty!

So enough of my ramblings. I hear my washer buzzing, and I need to thaw out some chicken for Tomorrow's cook out! Here's to more peaks and less valleys for the remainder of the weekend.

Gel

Still living day to day here at Kuhrsville. What else can we do?
I find that I need to make lists a lot because I have the attention span of a Gerbil.
I have always been a list maker, but it is much more vital these days. And I'm glad that I am doing this because I get to have the feeling of accomplishment when I complete these lists.
Some things take longer - such as getting health care coverage for the two of us. Badgercare has agreed to cover The Child, but they have decided that my income is still too great to insure me as well. Yay. Time to think outside the box.

But I learned how to work our "special" lawn mower. And the house is shaping up a little at a time. And the bills are paid on time. Baby steps. Things will gel eventually.

Our utility bill is half of what it used to be. That just absolutely stuns me. It's because we watch maybe an hour of television a week these days. Before, it was on 24/7. It's hard to believe a television can suck that much energy!

Meanwhile, our eldest kitty has been battling illness. I think she is really giving up now. Her own vet just shrugged her shoulders and said there is nothing wrong with her. My Mother-in-law's vet said that she has anemia. But I feel there is something greater going on inside her frail little body. And I truly believe she has such a broken heart because she is missing Hubby. She was his cat after all. It's so sad to see her decline, especially in these past few weeks. I know her days are numbered no matter what I do to turn her in the right direction. What are we gonna do? All we CAN do is give her the meds and a daily dose of love as well and let time do what it will.

Yesterday, I received an invite to go to Ireland this fall. That would be simply amazing. And I've actually started saving for a trip to Ireland. But this fall? No, that's way too soon. The Child would be devistated if I went away for 12 days at this point. And I don't fancy bringing him along because I plan to spend more than a few nights at an Irish Pub drinking some Jameson. He would be bored to tears!

And the fact that at this point, I only have 12 hours of vacation time built up at work, I would be crazy to jump on an airplane. Plus, my side kick has decided to take a job at the hospital so that she can complete her schooling while working second shift, And our Lead Person will be off on maternity leave before we know it. There's no way I'll get time off in September. And September, I'm sure, will be a very hard month for me any way. Wedding Anniversaries and such are sure to put me into a funk. I'll just keep saving until the time is right, when Karma is aligned and life is more on track. Things are just too challenging right now to add new drama to the mix!

On the bright side, it's getting to be fire pit season! A bottle of wine, good friends, a good fire. Now THAT is a goal we can achieve!

Rainy Day

It looks like it's going to rain all day today. Well, at least all morning. The Child woke up sick this morning. That is happening far too often lately. I think the stress of losing his dad has made his immune system weak. I personally have tripled my daily dose of Vitamin D3 because I know that my defenses are down as well. But just try to make a 9 year old take D3 every day! It can't be done!

So I have this bonus day at home with The Child. I ought to plan to do some deep
cleaning. But I was up in the storage room earlier this week, and I'm just not ready to do that yet. Hell, I haven't even dug out my spring clothes from last year yet because they are mixed in with Hubby's spring clothes. This is such a journey, I can't even begin to explain.

I've heard stories of little old ladies who are suddenly widowed who will keep their husband's things for years before purging. I am not a little old lady, and I still find it very difficult.

A friend had offered to put a bunch of his things in their city-wide rummage sale this Memorial Day weekend. And I am glad of the offer because the thought of having to hold a rummage sale and have people barter over prices with me for my husband's belongings just sends me over the edge. But I am just not up to sorting just yet. Thankfully, this friend said that his wife reminded him that they will be having a rummage sale again next year. I told him he has a wonderful wife there!

But little by little, I am making some changes around the house. I actually used some of my tax refund to buy a brand new bed for myself. I have never had a new bed ever. I think it will make me feel like a real grown up. But I'm not looking forward to disassembling the bed I currently have. That will be quite a task. And The Child is all nestled up in it today, so that is a project that will wait as well. I'm in no hurry any way. Time is time. I pick and choose how I will spend it these days.

I think I'll ask Uncle Marty to drop off all of the photos from the funeral and spend the day scanning those instead. Now THAT would be a day well spent. Some of them need to go back up on my living room walls anyway! I miss them! Those empty spots on my walls remind me of the emptiness in my heart.

Sleep would be wonderful

It's the one month anniversary of Hubby's funeral.
Today, we'll be putting his ashes to rest.
I thought I'd be okay with this, but no, my heart and my brain are both battling against my soul. I know it's going to take a LONG time to get through this. And it really has helped to have this month in between such major steps. I just hate feeling so fragile. Everybody keeps telling me that I'm such a strong woman. Well, yes, I am. But this has just been such a hard journey from the get go.

What many of you may not be aware of, is that this is also the anniversary of the day it all started to go down hill. May 1, 2009 is when Jim got a phone call telling him that his lab results were back and his red blood cell count was ridiculously low again, and that he'd best get in for a transfusion pronto. From there, it was the crazy journey of dealing with being way under-insured, knowing that no matter what, we had to dive in and do this. But at least a year ago there was still hope.

I remember being so upset with him. Not because of the financial crisis we were heading for, but because Hubby always had a habit of pulling back from me when he was sick because he didn't want to be a burden to me. And for me, this really hurt and frustrated me. It took forever to get it through his head that no matter what, we were in this together and I would gladly care for him no matter what it took.

And in caring for him through this journey, it gave the love I had for him a lot of texture. It actually helped me to find so many new ways to love him even more than I already did.
Jim was such a good man. I never realized just how much he did to take care of me. I always thought it was the other way around. And my main concern was that we were both giving The Child the care that HE needed. And Jim was the ultimate loving father. He never talked to Andy or Jerry like they were kids. He talked to them like they were highly intelligent adults. It was a beautiful thing to witness.

I don't get much restful sleep these days. The meds no longer do the trick, and I'll be damned if I want to be on something "more permanent" to get through this. I know it's my brain working through all of the "What If's". And my brain really does need to do that. I've always been a puzzle solver. That's how I approach life, and every problem within it. And my brain just can't accept the fact that it couldn't solve this puzzle called cancer. This puzzle called losing the love of your life in a slow, painful way. When this all started, I remember saying "We're too young for this! Maybe if it happened 10 years from now we'd be more ready to deal with it, but we're not in that mindset yet." But that's life. We're never really ready for anything it throws at us.

But maybe it's good that I woke up crying today. I was too stunned and overwhelmed at his funeral to cry. I've never really been one for public crying. I much prefer to stand by my dryer and purge. I'm surprised there's any finish left on that dryer these days.

So... I've spent enough time feeling sorry for myself today. Time to put on my battle uniform and face the world.