Miles and Miles before I sleep

We have reached a milestone today. It has been one year since Hubby left us for the great beyond. And what a year it has been. I have accomplished so much and yet so little.
As Bruce Springsteen puts it, "One Step Up and Two Steps Back".

I'm not the same person I was a year ago. I do know that. I see things much differently now.
I am very blessed to have so many wonderful loved ones willing to help out or even just listen to me as I purge my angst. But ultimately, all decisions rest on my shoulders. That has been the most difficult part. I didn't choose to be a single parent. I didn't choose this path. I LOVED being married. I loved having a partner to help face all of the challenges that life brings. And now, I face it alone.

Someday I may find someone new to walk this road with. But prospects are slim, and I've much work to accomplish before that time. It has only been recently that I have the heart to start weeding through things and truly start purging. I would love to get out of this house and start fresh somewhere. But I cannot do that with so much stuff. I need to lighten the load considerably, both physically and mentally.

I talk to Hubby often. I know he is listening. He does leave me signs now and again to let me know that he is watching over us. That is a great comfort.

I have the day off work today. This was supposed to be a "Me" day. But, alas, I have others to care for instead. What's a gal to do? This is life.

Progress!

A week ago, I went on a tryrade about dieting. I have been at this since Early February and haven't dropped much since the second week. So this past week, I have been naughty. I stopped being so strict with myself. If I want a Pepsi, I have a little Pepsi. If someone brings in a yummy treat to work, I'm gonna freaking have that yummy treat!

Well, guess what!? I am FINALLY down 11 pounds instead of that previously noted nine pounds!
Go ME!!!!

Of course, I don't go overboard. And if I DO have something naughty, that means I will be having just a salad for dinner. But you know what? As tired of saladsas I am, a salad feels better when I know I am inching my way to a milestone. And I like that!!!

An What of That Goal of Being Positive in 2011?

My dear friend Myke Miller turned me on to Sass Jordan many years ago, and it has become a beautiful thing to watch her musical journey through the years.

I stumbled upon this song the other day....


It suits my feelings about my own life these days, but it also suits #1 Son's journey as well.
I hope some day he gets his feet back on the ground.

I'm done

In this past month, I have witnessed my oldest son hit rock bottom. He has lost everything.
And still he fails to realize that he is his own worse enemy. Or rather ALCOHOL is his worser enemy.

His drinking has caused him to lose his family, his drivers license, his truck, his home, his job. It has caused him to steal from his own mother. And still he feels he isn't ready to check himself in and get the help he needs.

I have a ten year old boy here in my home who is a handful all by himself. We are still on a journey of healing and working through our grief in losing my husband a year ago this month.

I do not need the extra added drama, lies, lip service and financial burden that my oldest son brings with him. I will not have him laying around on my couch all day feeling sorry for himself. I just won't do it! I'm not helping him by doing so.

And I can talk until I am blue in the face, but he never hears a word I have to say. He just nods and agrees because it may buy him more time to lay around and feel sorry for himself.
He's not going to get help until he finally sees that getting that help is the only real solution.

Will I stop worrying about him until he reaches that point? Of course I will! I want the world for my son! I want him to succeed in life! I want him to get it together and be the best he can possibly be! I don't want to find his body under a bridge or in a horrible car wreck. I don't want him to end up as a vegetable for the rest of his life because of some poor choice he makes while drinking.

But I also know that he can be a violent person when he is drinking. And I know that I cannot afford to expose my younger son to that. The poor kid has enough to deal with. Alcoholism makes the entire family sick. Not just the drinker.

We all have a breaking point. And I am reaching mine. I feel like I am being held hostage by all of the drama that surrounds my oldest son. I love my grandson. He is such a beautiful little boy. And I want my son to be able to appreciate fatherhood. I want him to be there for Liam, and he can only do that if he is sober for life. He needs to understand that. And until he does, I don't know what else I can do.

My heart is breaking. I have too much pain and sorrow in my life already. I just can't bear the intensity of the heartbreak I feel watching a young man savetage everything that means anything to him.

This isn't tough love. We just need to do this. Just when the young child and I start moving forward, more drama gets poured onto our lives and drags us two steps back. We can't afford to be dragged two steps back every few months. We need to get to where we need to be. We need peace and sanity. To word it better, with all that we have endured these past few years, we DESERVE the opportunity to move forward with peace and sanity!

Parenting

The Child sent me a text while I was at work asking if he can go to his friend's house.
My response was "No. You are grounded.
Moments later, his next text says "Please can I go?"
My response: "No. You are grounded."
His next response surprised me: "What can I do to make you say yes?"
I thought about it for a minute and answered back "Build a time machine and travel back to last week and tell yourself to be really really good or he will be grounded."
His response: "I was thinking more like do homework."
My response: "Well, that is a good idea. Math will help you with Quantum Physics, and you need to be a very good speller if you travel into the past."
His response: "Time travel is not real."

I am crestfallen!