Boy, there is nothing like having the wind sucked out of your sails.
This past month has been filled with productivity. It began with me finally taking all of Hubby's Fishing Poles off of the wall on my porch. I never liked them hanging there, and I suddenly asked myself "Why are those still hanging there after two and a half years? So I took them down. And that felt so good that it gave me the courage to finally sort through all of the boxes that Hubby had stored out there. This is always a great challenge, because I never know if I am going to laugh, cry or get angry at what I find in them. And I managed to create 4 bags of trash just from all of those boxes out there.
I then decided to commandeer the shelving unit that my son had stored in my garage and put it on the porch. This, of course lead to wanting a shelf much like it on the opposite side of the windows, which lead me to buying two shelving units. I modified the second shelving unit with parts from an old desk that I had in my basement. So that entire wall is now shelving and I finally know what is in every single box stored on them. I gained about 10 square feet just by removing the table that had been on the porch for over a decade.
That table is now re-assembled down in my basement. The timing couldn't have been better! I have been doing a bit of wood-working down there, having planks of stained wood drying in various places throughout the basement and really needed table space to begin cutting and assembling my wooden planter.
The planter turned out very cute for my first try. I plan to make 3 more for my front yard over the winter. I am recycling kitty litter containers and will plant flowers in them this spring. They will live inside of the wooden planters and will look oh so cute!
I have been purging so much stuff, and it feels good to be shed of it all. The biggest challenge is that I have a small trash bin which is driving me absolutely bonkers! Nobody asked ME what size I would like!!!! I have a lot of shit to purge!!!!
Yesterday, I took a day off from purging and cleaning. I did a bit of Early Christmas shopping in the morning, and took a long nap in the afternoon. Normally, this is a good thing. But I had a dream within a dream. I dreamed that I was napping on the couch, but it was a really messed up dream that awakened me. I got up to go to the bathroom, and as I was walking through the kitchen, Jim was standing there at the sink washing dishes. I gave him a hug and told him about the messed up dream I had just had, and went into the bathroom. And there it hit me. Crap! I'm dreaming! He's not really here! And I started crying my eyes out because it was so nice to just stand there and talk with him like nothing had ever changed.
I then woke up for real, with eyes streaming with tears. It just sucked all the ambition out of me for the day. I miss him so much! I just can't seem to shake that dream. I've been a weepy mess ever since.
And that's how it always seems to go. I get one step up and two steps back on this journey. I miss him every day. I talk to him every day. I push myself forward every day. Most days turn out pretty damned awesome. Some just turn to shit in a heart beat. Yesterday was the latter.
But today is a new day. And I am going to make the best of it. I have cleaning to do, laundry to tackle, and an amazing child to spend the day with. I would be a hot mess without that darling face to look at every day. I do believe that my sons are my biggest blessing!
Sister Barb called me tonight and asked if I needed to do any grocery shopping. Well, I just used up the last of my kitty litter last night, so yes, I do!
I didn't have a very long list, and ended up finishing first. THEN, it turned into an adventure!
Things to do while you are at the grocery store:
Wander down an aisle and run into a guy that you are sure you knew years and tears ago but cannot place the name or where you knew him from. Note to self - he is shopping alone on a Tuesday Night so is likely single. Check out the hair. Nice comb- over but overall, not one to quickly dismiss until I remember where I know him from (That's gonna drive me bonkers for weeks!).
Suddenly remember you need Tomato Sauce and head back to that aisle. Locate sauce and move on.
Suddenly remember that you used the last of the Pepto Bismal this weekend and head for that aisle.
Run into guy I used to know from somewhere as I am standing in front of all the butt hole remedies. Oh yeah, now THAT is impressive!
Grab a pair of cheap gloves to match my new winter coat.
Realize you really have to pee! Park cart and ahhhh! Now that's better!
Stop and talk with sister to see how close she is to being done shopping. Buy some yogurt because John Stamos is really sexy in the commercials.
Head for the Dollar Aisle and peruse the items there.
Laugh and talk out loud to yourself about how silly the crap is in the Dollar Aisle.
See that Guy I used to know from somewhere just passed by and saw me talking to myself.
Feel like this person now believes me to be a mentally deranged creeper.
Run into sister again who says she is done shopping.
My Horoscope for today: The emotional intensity is building up again, but you probably believe that you can power your way through the hardest parts. Slow down and use your intellectual prowess to decipher the complexities of your heart. It's not that thoughtful contemplation is more important than feelings; it's just that both work and play could benefit from a bit of logic to help you maintain a healthy perspective..
Ain't no logic gonna get me through this hump. Some weeks are harder than others. This happens to be one of them. I'm not even going to count, But our anniversary is Sunday.
I allowed The Child to have a friend to sleep over and we had a Bon-fire. They went inside, and I sat out there and cried for a while. I needed that. It's been a hell of a week.I needed this week like a hole in my head.
Howie Day put it pretty well...
Even the best fall down sometimes Even the wrong words seem to rhyme Out of the doubt that fills my mind I somehow find You and I collide
I know I will see myself through this. I have been through worse. It is just that certain landmarks in time force me to take that journey backwards and feel all the feelings - revisit the pain, turn in around like a Rubic's cube, spin a new perspective.... except this time, there is no real new perspective. The pain is as fresh and real as it was when I was going through it standing nightly beside my dryer crying in the basement where no one could see me. God, I miss him. Shame on you for taking him from me. Shame on you. He was 44 years old. So much to do. So much to see. So many people left to touch with his wisdom and the beautiful way that he looked at life. Damn you!
All of God's insects have been doubly hardy this year. And the spiders have taken a severe liking to my living room. I wouldn't mind them so much - long as I can see where they are and what they are doing, and long as they leave me alone, I could live with a few spiders. But I seem to have no less that 30 on my ceiling at all times lately! And the other night, I was sitting on the love seat talking on the phone when a spider came down from the ceiling right in front of me!
I began by just sweeping them up and just shaking the broom outside every other day. After all, I don't really want to kill them, I just want them out of my house! Then, I started spraying them with lemon juice because I read that they did not like the flavor. Well, that would work for about a week. But then they would be back again in full force! And these are not your happy harmless Daddy Longlegs. Oh, no! They are these gigantic gray and black striped biting variety! YUCK!!!
Well, it has gotten to the point to where they are just fecking out of control! So I have declared war. I bought a can of raid. But I still seem to be spraying the little bastards once a week! It is making me crazy! I have dreams that spiders are crawling on me, so I'm not sleeping well, and this is really pissing me off because I have never ever been spider-phobic before in my whole life! But when I'm sitting on the couch and one runs across me, well.... I fucking FREAK OUT!!!!!
So today, I am totally cleaning this living room from floor to ceiling. I've got my Lemon scented Murphy's oil for scrubbing the floor, and I am even washing down all of my plants with a little real lemon on my wet wash cloth. My plants are loving it. They were so riddled with spider webs and spider poop! GROSS!!!!!
I don't know how long this battle will hold them off. I am sure I'm not going to win this war. But at least I can say I tried!
The only draw back to all of this cleaning is that I am forced to manage all of the boxes of papers that I have stashed around the room. I should know better. I should just throw it all away without looking at it because I know there will be something that will bring me to tears. Can I throw away that list Jim made while he was planning out his dream of owning a Mr Chippy Van? Hell no! But I do know that I need to start keeping all of this stuff in one single box so that I don't ambush myself with these things. Two and a half years later, I am still dealing with it all. I know some may feel that I am just pushing it all to the back of my mind so that I can let myself be happy. Maybe they are right. But hey, it works for me. I know there will always be these little time bombs that will cause me to deal with it all over again in my mind - to make peace with it over and over and over - seeing it in a different way every single time. But no matter how I look at it, it still sucks. My Jimmy was too young to go. Life is not fair. And then you get spiders invading your house. I will continue to fight!
I have discovered a new web site this week. It is called houzz.com This site is for people who want to redecorate but have a difficult time articulating what it is that they really want a room to look like.
This site has really opened doors for me! You start with a style that draws you in. I love how warm this room feels. I just want to grab a good book and laze around in there all day just reading and dreaming! I love the oriental red paired with the Tuscany colored walls, and the complimentary browns tying it all together. It is both masculine and soft at the same time. And it gets me to thinking about the bedroom upstairs that has turned into a catch-all. It should really be brought back to life as a bedroom - if not for The Child, then maybe it is time for me to move back in there and let The Child have my room again. Although with the ideas I have, either one of us would be happy with the way it will hopefully turn out!
The awesome thing about going with a Tuscany / Oriental theme is that one is not limited to just a few colors. You can blend in a variety of hues so long as you have three main colors in the theme. And this site makes me consider painting one wall darker so that it will pop and become a focal point. A place for the eye to begin when taking in the entire feeling of the room.
I Love the curtain on this window. There are two windows in the upstairs bedroom. I have often thought about just running a curtain rod across that entire wall. Maybe THAT would be the wall that pops? And of course, there are features to this existing room that I absolutely hate. The closet is SO 60's. Wood paneling nailed to a bunch of 2x4's. It's a cobble job and it looks it! But I could buy a few rolls of parchment and a pile of 1x2's and build a bunch of Oriental Panels to turn that entire wall into storage space. Now THAT would look awesome! The fun thing about that room is that it is so large that it can be transformed into something really cool. I do believe this will become my winter project. A little bit of this from one pay check, a little bit of that from the next pay check.... if I plan it right, it will all come together by spring!