Friday, December 31, 2010

Come On, 2011!!!!

I've never really been one for New Years Resolutions. I know I lack the discipline to keep them. But I can't help but have hope as this most awful year comes to a close and a new one looms around the corner with promise.

I wish I could make it a rule that no loved ones are allowed to die in 2011. But I already know that is a tough one that I don't have the power to inflict. And I do have a loved one who is battling cancer at this moment. So I know I need to thicken my hide and show all the love I can to that dear person for as long as I have to share with them.

I've been a total spaz this year, and rightly so. The changes have come as rapid as the emotions I feel while dealing with life in general. I'm not the same person I was a year ago. Certainly not the same person I was two years ago. I can't say that I 'm a better person, just a different person.

My house and the shape it is in has always reflected my emotions and the way I am looking at life in a particular day or week. I go through bouts of just not giving a damn, and my house gets all cluttered with stuff. And then suddenly I will start caring again and try to put Humpty Dumpty back together again, and then it gets overwhelming and I let it all go again.

I think my New Years Resolution ought to be to finish purging this house of stuff, and to dedicate a time daily to tend to housework. It's difficult to do this, though. Technically, I'm only here 3 hours a day, and when I get home from work, I'm totally spent.

But I want to find a better way. Whether it is changing jobs entirely, or cutting down on the hours I work at my current place of employ so that I actually have time for me and The Child. I need to do this. Something's gotta give. I can't keep juggling everything when I am emotionally and physically drained every day. Don't get me wrong. I LOVE my job. My coworkers are some of the most beautiful people I've ever met. And my patients are so dear to me. It's all of the administrative stuff that wears me to a nub.

2010 has been the shittiest year ever. If I had a time machine, I would go back to any year other than this one. There has just been too much loss and too many mountains to climb and too many emotions to work around.

I will try to take better care of my houseplants in 2011. The poor dears have been suffering at my hand this past year. I just don't have the attention span I had previously.

I want to finally finish the ceiling in my bedroom this next year, and paint my bathroom, and probably lay a new kitchen floor. Perhaps I should make a motto. Get 'er done in two oh one one!

I will try to be more positive and not let things shatter me like I allowed them to this year. After all, I can't stay on anti- anxiety meds forever. It's a bummer trying to remember to take them twice a day. And paying for regular doctor visits is only draining me financially. But hopefully I can claim all that and regain it back when I do taxes.

SO there you have it. I know there will be bad things in 2011. I know things will not become magically simple in this next year. But I will still look toward it with hope.

Happy New Year to all my loved ones who read my blog. You are all beautiful and very important. You all make a difference in my life and I would be lost without you!

Thursday, December 23, 2010

No one said life is fair.....

Had a patient call today who shares the exact same birthday as Hubby. I know it is just an ironic coincidence that is bound to happen now and again. But I needed someone to triage her symptoms and when Cindy asked how old the gal was, I almost said 44. Because she has the same birthday as Hubby. But, no, she got to turn 45. That hurts.

What a roller-coaster of a day! But I won't let it get me down.

Finding a better way

That's the Aurora Motto.
My life is in transition at the moment, and that is exactly what I am doing. Finding a better way.

I received the sweetest card from a patient yesterday. It means a lot to me that I have touched someone's life so deeply that they felt the need to send a card to me and say so.

I'm really going to miss my patients. But hey! I'll run into them at the grocery store, or at Gallery Walk, or the Dollar Tree.

I have a line on something promising. If this pans out, we're golden!
Will say more next week! Stay tuned!!!

Saturday, December 18, 2010

How Long Must I Be Prey To These Evil Grist Mongers?

That's a favorite saying of Hubby's. When it would all hit the fan, he would stand in the middle of the living room and say this with his arms in the air.

It totally hit the fan yesterday. The Child was lining up with his classmates to come in for recess, and he was goofing around with the kid in front of him - a pal of his - and he pretended to choke this friend. Well, of course the Playground Supervisor saw this as a violent act and reported it to the principal, who in turn reported it to the superintendent, who now feels The Child is a danger to his classmates and must be suspended for the remainder of 2010.

As if I'm not challenged enough trying to find someone to watch him during Christmas Break. Now, they've added even more of a challenge to this already difficult situation.

I told my boss yesterday that it is looking like I am going to have to quit my job and home-school my son. I told her that I had hoped to keep my foot in the door, working only two days a week, so that come September, I could re-enroll him into public school, but at the moment, there are no 2 day a week openings. She is going to talk to HR about it. But if I quit, I will have to give three weeks notice in order to keep any benefits that I have in order. Not that I have a lot of benefits. But I do have vacation time building. That's sort of a non-issue at this point, cuz I'm using it up quickly with all of these shenanigans.

I don't like feeling like I am undependable. And I really don't like feeling like I've been shoved into a corner with nowhere to turn. I feel the school system has failed my child terribly. And putting him in a class room with troubled children is only going to elevate the problems The Child already has. He's not a bad kid. He's been through much more than any child his age and they refuse to acknowledge that his anger comes from things beyond his control.

But if I don't do all that I as a parent can do for him, then I will have failed him as well.
I need to keep positive and know that this is the vow I have taken in life. When you give birth to a child, your heart tells you that you must protect that child forever no matter what the risk is to yourself.

And, hey! It's only money we'll be lacking in. And we do have resources at hand. I think it's for the best right now.

Do I sound like I'm talking myself into this? Well, I guess I sort of am. Its scary jumping into the unknown, even though I know we will be okay, and that I am perfectly capable of doing this. Neither one of us really got to take a proper break to really grieve the loss of Hubby. We've been just trying to tread water and keep going. There is so much we need to work out in our hearts and our minds and I think it is only proper that we do this as a team, The Child and me. We will walk through this fire and come out stronger, smarter, and better for it.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010


There are always options in life. I'm not very pleased with the ones set before me at the moment regarding The Child. But I am leaning toward pondering the notion of Homeschooling him. The poor kid is going through so much and the Oshkosh School system is less than charitable with their sympathy and understanding.

Once again, they want to slam - dunk him into an ED program. It is either that, or I remove him from their system and do it myself. They have me up against a wall. And in the words of Patrick Swayze, Nobody puts Baby into a Corner.

It might be possible for me to keep my foot in the door of my current work place and still do this. I've much pondering to consider yet.

No decisions will be made until after the Holiday Season.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Here we go.....

Today marks the anniversary of the day I lost a very good friend. Seven years ago, my dear friend Kathy suffered a major heart attack and passed away. Awful news to receive on my 40th birthday. And she wasn't much older than I am now.

And now, today, one of my favorite patients called to tell me that she has a form of cancer. It breaks my heart! I don't just help my patients, I LOVE my patients. They know that I walk that road beside them, sending hope and love along. This dear lady needs to fight like she has never fought before. For those of you who read my blog, please say a prayer for my dear friend and her family.

While Jim was walking his journey, this dear patient would stop by weekly to remind me that she was praying daily for him and my entire family. Her husband even joined us on the Aurora 5K Walk this past year in Team Brooks/Kuhr. And now.... let's just hope they caught it in time. I haven't read up much on the kind that she has. I sure do hope her odds are better than they had been to my family.

Tomorrow is my birthday. I never do well with Birthdays. You'd think I would be used to it by now. To me, they're all like mortality slapping me in the face, and THIS birthday is The Scary Birthday. The one each of my siblings have tip-toed through before me. This is the age that my mother passed away in. It scares the hell out of me.

On a positive note, I had three bananas that The Child failed to eat. As we speak, they are in the oven turning into yummy banana bread to be shared with my wonderful co-workers. I really do work with the best bunch of people. They are SO beautiful!!!

Tomorrow is also Donny Osmond's Birthday! Happy Birthday, You Hot Old Man!!! Many more to both of us, eh?

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Ah, That Holiday Crush

They call it "The Crush" because one finds themselves over-stressed with engagements, gift buying, family, deadlines, work, household, bills.....

I am to the point where all I want to do this year is stay home and make some mulled wine and get completely shit-faced and forget this holiday ever came to be.

My oldest son has me absolutely beside myself with anger. He refuses to move forward or open his eyes and see things the way the rest of us see them. So I guess I won't be seeing my grandson on his First Christmas. And at this point, I'm so angry, I don't even give a damn any more. I'm returning all the gifts I have purchased, and I'm turning off my phone and any social media whenever the mention of Christmas pops up.

I don't need this shit. This is my first Christmas without my husband. We spent 20 Christmases together. We had some beautiful traditions, and we muddled through the stress and bullshit together. And this year, it's ALL bullshit. And I don't need that in my life.

I have tried so hard to be supportive of my son in all that he is going through right now. Tried to offer a different point of view, given him a place to land while he gets his bearings, lent him money when it hit the fan, and loved him even when I felt his head was firmly implanted up his ass. And what do I get for all of this? A big fucking pile of negativity.

So Christmas is canceled in my book. No Kuhr Christmas. No Brooks Christmas. I'm through. Leave me the hell alone. I'm trying to get through this month in a positive manner and it's only slapping me in the face. I quit.

Saturday, December 4, 2010

Pictures or GTFO

I have neglected to post the "After" pictures here on my Blog of my Kitchen!
The counter used to have wire shelving on it to contain all of the crazy stuff that ends up in out in the kitchen. I decided that it is time for a more clean, down-scaled look to my counters.

This picture really shows how the ceiling color seemed to dictate what color the woodwork would be. It looks so clean and sunny! I love it!

I was going to bring that desk down to the basement, until I realized that after refinishing it a few summers ago, it is in much better shape than Grandma Ellie's Microwave Stand that had been in my kitchen for ages. So Grandma Ellie's Microwave Stand is now in the basement, and the desk is in the kitchen, which I think is a good thing. I still have easy access to my pen drawer without having to rearrange the entire world.

Yes, the Metal Island is back in the center of the kitchen. I'm not entirely happy about that, but it looked silly anywhere else I put it. And it is a wonderful surface for preparing meals or rolling out Christmas Cookies!

The Cabinet in the corner was originally in the Living Room. I need to make room for the Christmas Tree anyway, so I thought I may as well see how it looks in my kitchen for a while. I like that I put the Microwave on top of it. I feel I have easier access to the microwave with it more at eye level. And Jerry really likes having the Soda Fridge at his eye level.

I still haven't quite decided what to do with the Stove / Refrigerator wall and the Sink area. They still don't look all that great because I just haven't given them enough thought yet. But I will. And when I take action, I will post more pictures.

One thing that does make me happy is that I have removed the cabinet that sat between the stove and fridge. It's a nice cabinet for baking pans and such, and there really does need to be something between the stove and fridge so that the oven doesn't kill the fridge, but that thing is just too damned wide! I don't like making guests wiggle between the sink and stove to get to the bathroom. There needs to be proper access.

I don't think I'll accomplish much more on this project today. I'm quite sick. Sinusitis and pharyngitis have taken over in the past 24 hours and it's just crazy! I have never lost my voice before. EVER! And I don't understand how a bacterial illness can go as viral as this one has. All I did was work between two women who had it and blamm-o! It's crazy!

So, instead of going to a cookie exchange party as I had planned today, I will be off to the Quick Care for some antibiotics and a vaporizer. Yay.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

It's Pay It Forward Day

I am going to make a difference in someone's life today. There is a lot of sadness in the world today. The Birthday of someone's loved one, day two of hospice for a patient I know. It saddens me. And yet I always - ALWAYS - remember how blessed I am to have so many wonderful people in my life who have been willing to help make this journey worth taking.

It is my obligation to do something special for a random person today. To shatter their stress level if only for a portion of their day. Isn't that really why we are here on this earth any way?