I've never really been one for New Years Resolutions. I know I lack the discipline to keep them. But I can't help but have hope as this most awful year comes to a close and a new one looms around the corner with promise.
I wish I could make it a rule that no loved ones are allowed to die in 2011. But I already know that is a tough one that I don't have the power to inflict. And I do have a loved one who is battling cancer at this moment. So I know I need to thicken my hide and show all the love I can to that dear person for as long as I have to share with them.
I've been a total spaz this year, and rightly so. The changes have come as rapid as the emotions I feel while dealing with life in general. I'm not the same person I was a year ago. Certainly not the same person I was two years ago. I can't say that I 'm a better person, just a different person.
My house and the shape it is in has always reflected my emotions and the way I am looking at life in a particular day or week. I go through bouts of just not giving a damn, and my house gets all cluttered with stuff. And then suddenly I will start caring again and try to put Humpty Dumpty back together again, and then it gets overwhelming and I let it all go again.
I think my New Years Resolution ought to be to finish purging this house of stuff, and to dedicate a time daily to tend to housework. It's difficult to do this, though. Technically, I'm only here 3 hours a day, and when I get home from work, I'm totally spent.
But I want to find a better way. Whether it is changing jobs entirely, or cutting down on the hours I work at my current place of employ so that I actually have time for me and The Child. I need to do this. Something's gotta give. I can't keep juggling everything when I am emotionally and physically drained every day. Don't get me wrong. I LOVE my job. My coworkers are some of the most beautiful people I've ever met. And my patients are so dear to me. It's all of the administrative stuff that wears me to a nub.
2010 has been the shittiest year ever. If I had a time machine, I would go back to any year other than this one. There has just been too much loss and too many mountains to climb and too many emotions to work around.
I will try to take better care of my houseplants in 2011. The poor dears have been suffering at my hand this past year. I just don't have the attention span I had previously.
I want to finally finish the ceiling in my bedroom this next year, and paint my bathroom, and probably lay a new kitchen floor. Perhaps I should make a motto. Get 'er done in two oh one one!
I will try to be more positive and not let things shatter me like I allowed them to this year. After all, I can't stay on anti- anxiety meds forever. It's a bummer trying to remember to take them twice a day. And paying for regular doctor visits is only draining me financially. But hopefully I can claim all that and regain it back when I do taxes.
SO there you have it. I know there will be bad things in 2011. I know things will not become magically simple in this next year. But I will still look toward it with hope.
Happy New Year to all my loved ones who read my blog. You are all beautiful and very important. You all make a difference in my life and I would be lost without you!
Even crazier than normal.
10 hours ago