Tuesday, April 27, 2010
I'm a list maker from way back, and have been making lists left and right these days.
If I don't, I would surely forget something important.
I can honestly say that I am accomplishing some of the things on those lists.
I got the Thank You cards done and mailed tonight.
If I missed someone, may I offer my sincere apologies. I really did my best.
Many did not provide an address, and even Google White Pages can't find you.
Although I must say that if Jim were still here, he could tell me where you live, what brand of cigarette you smoke and how often you stopped in by Bob's.
We had a lot of help along this journey. Hubby was loved by so many. He had such a sidelong way of looking at life that captured the hearts of many. He wasn't always easy to live with because of this sidelong way of looking at life. But it was never boring.
I have flowers to plant, trees to buy, a porch to properly stain. And that's on the outside. I just can't bring myself to start purging the inside of our house more than I have to date. My sinuses can't take much more crying. So it's best to leave it until my soul has had more time to heal.
I can't believe that this Thursday it will be a month already. Hell, sometimes I still can't believe he's gone!
I just wish I could get a good nights sleep. Jerry is dealing with the same thing lately. So much to process. We'll get there. I know that time will heal. And like that elephant, we need to take this one bite at a time.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Well, it sort of depends on which angle you look at it.
When I think of all of the Horror / suspense movies that I adored as a kid, and even books that I enjoyed as a kid that scared the crap out of me, I often ponder of how many of those plot-lines could have been averted if the hero of the movie had only had a cell phone.
The Donner Party wouldn't have had to go through the anxt they did, had they only had a good cell phone. And Charles Manson would have been out on his ear if one of those teens living on his Love Colony had only been texting her best friend back home.
Stephen King would of course still be writing. He just has this crazy angle on life, and modern conveniences or not, he would always find some way around all of that stuff to write a great thrilling tale.
I've come to a crossroads where I'm thinking that I need to get an additional cell phone for the house - not for the Child in particular, but just so it is there and I could take my own cell phone to work with me in case I run into any emergencies or school crises. It may eventually grow into being The Child's cell phone. But at the moment, I just think he is too young to have one. I would prefer to say "This phone stays at home all the time unless I say otherwise."
I hate that I need to contemplate such issues. Perhaps I ought to have given these "What If's" more thought while my husband was fighting his illness. But I didn't want to do that because that would have meant that I was giving up hope. I didn't want to give up hope, and I didn't want Hubby to give up hope either. I miss him like crazy. And that may be the hardest part. Yes, I have a lot of stuff to get in order because he has left a huge hole in our lives. But I think the hardest part is those moments in the day when I would normally send him an E-mail or give him a call just to hear his voice and see if he needed anything. I can't do that any more.
Imagine that. I'm living a Horror Story in the Modern world. SO I guess the whole point of this post is moot.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
What a long day.
Many of my patients came by to give me hugs and that was nice.
And of course my co-workers are all so loving and caring.
It would have been much easier to just stay home and hide under a rock.
But I can't do that. I have The Child to think of. We need income.
And we need to dive in and see how our new schedules are going to work out.
I gave The Child 2 options for mornings. He would rather I just let him stay home and fend for himself until school starts - and even though he likely IS able to do that, I'm not going to give him that option. But he tried one of his 2 options today and he said that worked out okay. SO that is a good thing.
The After School Care is a jumbled issue right now. But luckily, I do have Andy and Myke who are willing to juggle their days to accommodate. And that is a good thing. We just need to try it and see how it works. Hopefully all involved will find it rewarding.
I have a feeling that our new mantra will be "Only Time Will Tell."
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
1) Shock, Denial
2) Pain and Guilt
3) Anger and Bargaining
4) Depression, Reflection, Loneliness
5) The Upward Turn
6) Reconstruction and Working Through
7) Acceptance and Hope
Which is the stage where I misplace my cell phone and have no idea where I may have left it? Because whichever one that is, that's where I'm at.
It's a bit absurd that they can think that they can put all people in the same box and think they will follow the above steps as they grieve.
Hell, I've been grieving for months. Torn between watching Jim fight with every fiber of his being and being so terrified of losing him, sick or well. I couldn't begin to count the number of times I stood by the basement dryer and cried my eyes out, wishing things would turn around.
And yet there were so many times during this journey that I tried to think ahead just in case we did have to go through this worst case scenario. And I was able to work out some of the strategic changes that would need to happen.
My greatest worry is having Jerry feeling displaced. I hate that I need to figure out what to do with him before school and after school until I get home from work. He's too young to stay home alone, and he's not crazy about my before school options.
I just need to keep telling myself that children are resilient. That he will adapt to whatever changes we need to do. I know that I need to be strong for his sake. I need to be honest and say "Yes, it really DOES suck that I have to make you change the routine that you loved because your dad has passed on. But still, we just need to do it."
He is opening up a lot more this week, which is wonderful. At least he's talking, especially at bed time. He has a difficult time getting to sleep these days. He keeps saying he is "haunted by his own mind". which is filled with scary thoughts. And yes, the future IS scary. But we'll get through it.
He asked me last night if I would ever get married again. I told him "Maybe. But only if I could find someone as wonderful as Daddy, and that would take a long time to find, so you don't have to worry about that."
Jerry has always had an amazing view of the world. I need to remember that. He's not your average 9 year old. His little brain grasps some very complex concepts if they are explained properly. Jim was awesome at explaining things to Jerry. They could talk for hours about ancient Rome, castles, wars, history, computers... He never talked to Jerry like he was a little kid. He was patient and loving and engaging with him. I need to work at that because to me, Jerry is the last baby I will every have and I want to hold and protect him from the world. I need to find the balance that Jim was able to give him within myself.
And I know that I'm not alone on this journey. I know that we are surrounded by friends and family that would happily step in and teach Jerry how to hunt and fish, and tell him how his dad always brought along his sterno and a little pan and was always prepared to calm the "City Boy" in Jerry so that they could just hang out and enjoy nature.
I dunno. Maybe I'm at stage 4. I know I ought to be looking ahead. But each big holiday coming is going to feel empty. And just going to Walmart, I feel like everybody is staring at me. Like I have this gaping bleeding hole that everyone can see.
And I know I'm only feeling sorry for myself. I need to "Cowboy Up" and just go through it.
But I do insist on spending a great deal of time in the back yard this summer. Hell, I already am spending a great deal of time out there just thinking and talking to Jim.
On Jim's last day, I said "Oh, Honey! This is just too soon! You're supposed to get better so that we can have a fire in the back yard this summer."
He just looked at me and said "I'll be there."
By the way, I just found my phone. It was sitting here right in front of me all this time. I can just hear Jim now "Yup! No short Bus for My Wife, no sir!"
Saturday, April 3, 2010
It's going to take me ages to get through this grief, even though I know he wouldn't want me to grieve. I know he is in a better place, free of pain, feeling healthy and likely having the most wonderful time with loved ones we have lost before him. But I have so many details to wrestle with now that he is no longer in my life. My priorities are all misaligned right now. And they are SO not meshing with those of my Mother-in-law's. I'm trying to be patient with her as JImmy had asked me to be. WOW.
Regardless, I am sharing the farewell Poem that I wrote the morning of his funeral. I did borrow part of a verse from W.H. Aulden because his poem was the first thing that came to mind when my Love had passed away. I think W.H. Aulden would approve.
We gather today, for our Jimmy has passed
His pain seemed so endless but then again fast
I'm stunned that I stand here to speak of his life
A new-found widow, the departed's wife
He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I'll never again know a love so strong.
He humbly wandered through day to day
Not even aware of the ripples he'd made
The hearts that he touched, the lives that he blessed
His family and friends who loved him best
We need to move forward and carry his love
And know that he's watching from above
He would not want us to cry for his passing
Jimmy would much rather hear us laughing
And so it is fitting, the date of this mass
A date of pranks, and fun and laughs
That we honour my love, My Darling JimOur lives are much richer for loving him.