Sunday, November 11, 2012

Wide Awake and Dreaming

Boy, there is nothing like having the wind sucked out of your sails.

This past month has been filled with productivity. It began with me finally taking all of Hubby's Fishing Poles off of the wall on my porch. I never liked them hanging there, and I suddenly asked myself "Why are those still hanging there after two and a half years? So I took them down. And that felt so good that it gave me the courage to finally sort through all of the boxes that Hubby had stored out there. This is always a great challenge, because I never know if I am going to laugh, cry or get angry at what I find in them. And I managed to create 4 bags of trash just from all of those boxes out there.

I then decided to commandeer the shelving unit that my son had stored in my garage and put it on the porch. This, of course lead to wanting a shelf much like it on the opposite side of the windows, which lead me to buying two shelving units. I modified the second shelving unit with parts from an old desk  that I had in my basement. So that entire wall is now shelving and I finally know what is in every single box stored on them.  I gained about 10 square feet just by removing the table that had been on the porch for over a decade.

That table is now re-assembled down in my basement. The timing couldn't have been better! I have been doing a bit of wood-working down there, having planks of stained wood drying in various places throughout the basement and really needed table space to begin cutting and assembling my wooden planter.

The planter turned out very cute for my first try. I plan to make 3 more for my front yard over the winter. I am recycling kitty litter containers and will plant flowers in them this spring. They will live inside of the wooden planters and will look oh so cute!

I have been purging so much stuff, and it feels good to be shed of it all. The biggest challenge is that I have a small trash bin which is driving me absolutely bonkers! Nobody asked ME what size I would like!!!! I have a lot of shit to purge!!!!

Yesterday, I took a day off from purging and cleaning. I did a bit of Early Christmas shopping in the morning, and took a long nap in the afternoon. Normally, this is a good thing. But I had a dream within a dream.  I dreamed that I was napping on the couch, but it was a really messed up dream that awakened me. I got up to go to the bathroom, and as I was walking through the kitchen, Jim was standing there at the sink washing dishes. I gave him a hug and told him about the messed up dream I had just had, and went into the bathroom. And there it hit me. Crap! I'm dreaming! He's not really here! And I started crying my eyes out because it was so nice to just stand there and talk with him like nothing had ever changed.

I then woke up for real, with eyes streaming with tears. It just sucked all the ambition out of me for the day. I miss him so much! I just can't seem to shake that dream. I've been a weepy mess ever since.

And that's how it always seems to go. I get one step up and two steps back on this journey. I miss him every day. I talk to him every day. I push myself forward every day. Most days turn out pretty damned awesome. Some just turn to shit in a heart beat. Yesterday was the latter.

But today is a new day. And I am going to make the best of it. I have cleaning to do, laundry to tackle, and an amazing child to spend the day with. I would be a hot mess without that darling face to look at every day. I do believe that my sons are my biggest blessing!

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