This is an especially tough time for me. They say the holidays are an especially difficult time for a person grieving the loss of a loved one. They're not kidding. I've upped my meds and I'm still a fecking roller-coaster of emotion.
So here they are. My Top Ten (today, at least) reasons why I hate this holiday season.
10. The Andy / Lindsey Drama that is creating great havoc in an already stressed family. The childish lying and fighting and name calling and careless hurting of people that I love is pushing all of us to the brink of canceling Christmas altogether.
9. Christmas Music. Every time I hear O Holy Night or any other song that Jim and I sang in the church choir, I want to find a bathroom and just have an emotional melt-down.
8. The Duality of it all. Last year the Holiday season was a blur of sadness and stress. This year, there is the stress of the here and now, but there is also the oh too vivid flashbacks to last year as well.
7. Shopping for gifts has always been a difficult thing for me. I never know what to buy anyone and I always fear that they will think I'm a lame gift giver. I don't have Hubby's input this year. Even though he hated Christmas Shopping more than I do, we got through it. This year, I'm on my own to fend off the attitudes of other shoppers and store clerks.
6. Passing a Christmas Tree Lot that we used to buy our Christmas Trees from each year. I always hated having a real tree, but Hubby always insisted on a real one, and somehow, he always managed to make hunting for one a special event. It was the furthest thing from my mind tonight, when suddenly, I went past the tree lot and had to hold back tears.
5. Seeing so many wonderful gifts that I could buy for Hubby were he still here. For years we didn't buy each other gifts because we never had the cash once we finished buying for every one else on our list. It was only in the past few years that I insisted that we start buying each other meaningful gifts, and I think it helped us to get through the holidays with our sanity intact because we were looking forward to seeing the look on each others faces when exchanging gifts.
4. I won't be able to watch It's a Wonderful Life or Holiday Inn without crying my eyes out. I had never seen It's a Wonderful Life before I met Hubby. Our first Christmas together, we picked out The Christmas Tree From Hell. It was so awful, we had to wire the top of it to the wall so it wouldn't fall over! As we were decking the tree, It's a Wonderful Life came on TV and it instantly became a tradition to deck our tree while that movie was on. And Holiday Inn is one of those movies that we always searched for late at night and stayed up watching it while snuggling on the couch together. This year is gonna SUCK!
3. Jerry doesn't believe in Santa any more. My baby has had to grow up so fast in the past year and it just breaks my heart.
2. Gin from Lakeview Cemetery called me tonight while I was on my way home from work. I let it go to voice mail, but listening to the voice mail, I had to choke back tears because she was inviting us to a vigil at the mortuary where everyone who has lost a loved one this year is supposed to bring an ornament and place it on their tree in honor of that loved one. How the hell am I supposed to go and mingle with a bunch of grieving strangers and retain some dignity?
1. My Grandbaby's First Christmas is also my first Christmas without my husband. I hate that more than anything. Especially with things being so messed up in his life right now.
I know, I know. This sounds like one hell of a Pity Party. But this is reality. I am trying so hard to press forward and keep positive. I don't want to drag The Boy down into depression as well.
I think next year, The Child and I are going to go into seclusion - at least for Thanksgiving. I just don't want to walk this road year after year. We're gonna shake it up and do something different. These are survival tactics and we need them!