Friday, January 21, 2011

My Heart is So Heavy

A friend of mine lost her husband nearly six months after I lost mine.
We have both been walking this long dark road, trying so hard to hold on to the good things and to not let the bad things break us in half.

It is a maddening road, this journey. If you've never walked it, you could never understand.
We are forced to try and remain strong, because that is all that is left to us aside from the memories left behind.

There are so many days when it would be so easy to just give up and let everything crumble around us. Some days we feel "What's the use? We climb and we climb and we climb, only to have the rug pulled out from under us." But then, along comes a good day, or a good moment, or a good person, and suddenly, we're back on track again.

I am just SO BLESSED to have such a supportive family and the most beautiful and loving friends a person could ever ask for. And it just breaks my heart to see my friend, this kindered spirit, going through such unnecessary pain and frustration simply because things have become blown out of proportion.

Neither of us had perfect husbands. They were human as the day is long, with faults and irritations and shortcomings. But they both had such a great love for life, and a great love for US. It made up for all of the bad stuff.

To see a family stoning this wonderful woman is just heartbreaking. They fail to see that she doesn't want - NEVER wanted your pity. But she DOES want - even NEEDS the support of family to continue walking this road.

Like our husbands, we too are imperfect. We're going to make mistakes on this journey that you will not always approve of or understand. Why? Because when you have lost the one person that you confide in when making all decisions, the choices get a little fuzzy sometimes. And even though you would be more than willing to be there and talk things through and help them make the decision that you feel is the right one, well, it may not be the right one for us. You see, that isn't the kind of support we need. The kind of support we really need is for you to help us make new memories to make life worth living.

And as we try to move forward in our lives, we are going to move on and there will be other men in our lives. Will they ever be as wonderful as our husbands? That is quite doubtful, but we can always hope.

One of the hardest slaps in the face that I have felt in these past ten months is hearing the words in a movie or in a book, or at a wedding "Till death do you part." Because it doesn't end when one of us dies. There is still a journey, and we are left trying to meld past present and future together to make it all worthwhile.

Don't be so quick to judge unless you've walked in our shoes. We are both dealing with very different issues, but many are similar. And I can't stand by and watch a family that can be so beautiful and strong and loving simply turn on a person who is hurting. I know you all are hurting too. I've never lost a sibling. And I pray that I won't see that day for some time to come. And I know it will tear me apart. I HAVE lost both of my parents, and I know that is a very tough journey as well. But to lose a spouse is an entirely different animal. It breaks you in ways you never thought possible.

So please! Stop the hating and the judging. You all have a lot of love in your hearts. Love isn't like a light switch. You can't just flip it from love to hate. You need to be patient. Because even though this is the worst journey ever, we will come out of it stronger and more reflective and more compassionate in the future. We just have to get through this tunnel of grief first.

Lets all move forward and feel good about all of the blessings we have. Anger won't get us anywhere. But love and hope will take us to the moon and beyond.

No comments: