Saturday, April 2, 2011

Mental Health Day

I deserve it. This has been the week from hell.
Tuesday, The anniversary of Hubby's passing was spent caring for my oldest son. Friends and family helped to make the day much better as it went along.

Wednesday I was too tired to accomplish much or even feel much for that matter. And #1 Son had finally set his mind to checking himself into a treatment center. I truly hope they are good at their job and are able to make him see that no one is going to fix things for him. He has a lot of work ahead of him, but he can do it if he sets his mind to it.

Thursday, I got to visit with my beautiful Grandson.

Friday, April Fools Day, is the anniversary of Hubby's funeral service. And it is also the day I received message that Hubby's Aunt had passed away.
The Child was supposed to have a sleep over last night, and I was SO hoping he would do that, because I really could have used a night out on the town. But, alas, it was not meant to be.

So today, I went to the video store and I rented two movies.
Knocked Up had me laughing out loud through most of it. It was a well-written story, and the actors were amazing! And, of course, I needed the tissues after that.

Sadly, after the week I have had, once I started crying, it was difficult to stop. I needed that.

Movie number two, which I watched this evening was The Notebook. Oh yeah. Now THAT was a tear- jerker if I ever saw one!

It is therapeutic for me. It allows my mind to contemplate all of the things that I just keep pushing to the back of my mind, and work out how I really feel about everything.

Thing is, #1 Son checked himself in this week saying it is a 90 day program, and for the first 30 days, there would be no contact with the outside world. Lo and behold, I received a phone call from him Friday informing me that Sunday is visitor day and could I come bringing him a list of stuff he needs? What the hell? I had plans for Sunday!!!!!!!! Visiting hours are right at the time I planned to go grocery shopping! And I don't drive! So figuring out how to get to Fond du Lac posed yet another challenge, especially on such short notice.

I want to give him moral support during this important step in his life, but I am running out of ME to share!!!! I am tired of having to be at the ready for all the added bullshit that comes flying in my direction. I personally live a low-key simple life, and I LOVE it that way!!!! If people would let it STAY that way, I could accomplish more, and would be able to heal much faster! When too much crap comes flying my way, I tend to shut down. That doesn't help me either.

And truth be told, I have a lot of hurt and anger inside of me toward #1 Son. No son should EVER treat their mother the way he has in this past year, and especially in these past few months. And I know it is addiction I have been seeing. But Still, I have my guard up. WAY up. It is going to take a LOT to mend this rift he has caused. He has lost my trust. And that is not an easy thing to earn back, parent or no parent.

So, yes! I NEEDED this day of purging and thinking and reflecting. I will be a stronger person tomorrow for it.

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