Saturday, August 20, 2011

Let it Rain

I've been weening myself off of my Anti-anxiety meds... against doctor's wishes..... and it got to a point where the dose was so low, it didn't matter, so last Sunday, I stopped taking them altogether. So I've been feeling the effects of withdrawal, and I am also FEELING EVERYTHING! This is a double-edged sword. I had thought "Life is slowing down right now, and Drama is at it's minimum right now, so I'm just gonna jump in and quit the meds."

Yeah. And then one of my favorite patients passes away on Thursday, and I turn into a weeping mess! And today, I'm cleaning the house because I have a babysitter coming. And I know that last weekend, I was digging through some boxes and I asked myself "Why am I keeping this stuff? I need to PURGE!" Sure. Then I start purging today, and I run into Jim's discharge papers from St Lukes, and I'm a complete WRECK! Damn it! Running across this stuff brings me right back to that very day and how I felt with all of my fears and pain. St Luke's was the eye of the storm for me. When everything came to a head and started spinning faster and faster. It was like being trapped inside the worst horror story ever without the opportunity to write a different ending.

So I had an hour long cry this morning. I stood there hugging Jim's sweaters and crying so hard I was trembling. God I miss him!!!! And you know what? I'm not ready to throw out his things, no matter how ratty and musty they're getting.

And then on the other side of the coin, I'm thinking "How the hell are we supposed to move out of this crappy old house if I can't throw this stuff away?" Argh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My Darling Jerry has been such a love this week. I came home Thursday and told him I was sad because I lost a wonderful patient. And he said "You can sit on the couch and hug me while you cry if you want, Mom. You're not alone." What a doll he is!!!! I couldn't ask for a more precious son to raise!

My Bro-in-law's band is playing in Eureka tonight. He is also celebrating his 40th birthday tonight (Monday is his Birthday). I'll be surrounded by loved ones, and it's sure to be a fun night. No Drama. No issues. Just good music and good people!

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