SO my Sis-in-law sent me one of those E-mails listing all of the things we didn't have when we were kids, entailing just how great kids today have it.
Well, it sort of depends on which angle you look at it.
When I think of all of the Horror / suspense movies that I adored as a kid, and even books that I enjoyed as a kid that scared the crap out of me, I often ponder of how many of those plot-lines could have been averted if the hero of the movie had only had a cell phone.
The Donner Party wouldn't have had to go through the anxt they did, had they only had a good cell phone. And Charles Manson would have been out on his ear if one of those teens living on his Love Colony had only been texting her best friend back home.
Stephen King would of course still be writing. He just has this crazy angle on life, and modern conveniences or not, he would always find some way around all of that stuff to write a great thrilling tale.
I've come to a crossroads where I'm thinking that I need to get an additional cell phone for the house - not for the Child in particular, but just so it is there and I could take my own cell phone to work with me in case I run into any emergencies or school crises. It may eventually grow into being The Child's cell phone. But at the moment, I just think he is too young to have one. I would prefer to say "This phone stays at home all the time unless I say otherwise."
I hate that I need to contemplate such issues. Perhaps I ought to have given these "What If's" more thought while my husband was fighting his illness. But I didn't want to do that because that would have meant that I was giving up hope. I didn't want to give up hope, and I didn't want Hubby to give up hope either. I miss him like crazy. And that may be the hardest part. Yes, I have a lot of stuff to get in order because he has left a huge hole in our lives. But I think the hardest part is those moments in the day when I would normally send him an E-mail or give him a call just to hear his voice and see if he needed anything. I can't do that any more.
Imagine that. I'm living a Horror Story in the Modern world. SO I guess the whole point of this post is moot.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Long Day
Well, today was my first day back at work.
What a long day.
Many of my patients came by to give me hugs and that was nice.
And of course my co-workers are all so loving and caring.
It would have been much easier to just stay home and hide under a rock.
But I can't do that. I have The Child to think of. We need income.
And we need to dive in and see how our new schedules are going to work out.
I gave The Child 2 options for mornings. He would rather I just let him stay home and fend for himself until school starts - and even though he likely IS able to do that, I'm not going to give him that option. But he tried one of his 2 options today and he said that worked out okay. SO that is a good thing.
The After School Care is a jumbled issue right now. But luckily, I do have Andy and Myke who are willing to juggle their days to accommodate. And that is a good thing. We just need to try it and see how it works. Hopefully all involved will find it rewarding.
I have a feeling that our new mantra will be "Only Time Will Tell."
What a long day.
Many of my patients came by to give me hugs and that was nice.
And of course my co-workers are all so loving and caring.
It would have been much easier to just stay home and hide under a rock.
But I can't do that. I have The Child to think of. We need income.
And we need to dive in and see how our new schedules are going to work out.
I gave The Child 2 options for mornings. He would rather I just let him stay home and fend for himself until school starts - and even though he likely IS able to do that, I'm not going to give him that option. But he tried one of his 2 options today and he said that worked out okay. SO that is a good thing.
The After School Care is a jumbled issue right now. But luckily, I do have Andy and Myke who are willing to juggle their days to accommodate. And that is a good thing. We just need to try it and see how it works. Hopefully all involved will find it rewarding.
I have a feeling that our new mantra will be "Only Time Will Tell."
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
The New Journey
I was just looking up the "7 stages of grief":
1) Shock, Denial
2) Pain and Guilt
3) Anger and Bargaining
4) Depression, Reflection, Loneliness
5) The Upward Turn
6) Reconstruction and Working Through
7) Acceptance and Hope
Which is the stage where I misplace my cell phone and have no idea where I may have left it? Because whichever one that is, that's where I'm at.
It's a bit absurd that they can think that they can put all people in the same box and think they will follow the above steps as they grieve.
Hell, I've been grieving for months. Torn between watching Jim fight with every fiber of his being and being so terrified of losing him, sick or well. I couldn't begin to count the number of times I stood by the basement dryer and cried my eyes out, wishing things would turn around.
And yet there were so many times during this journey that I tried to think ahead just in case we did have to go through this worst case scenario. And I was able to work out some of the strategic changes that would need to happen.
My greatest worry is having Jerry feeling displaced. I hate that I need to figure out what to do with him before school and after school until I get home from work. He's too young to stay home alone, and he's not crazy about my before school options.
I just need to keep telling myself that children are resilient. That he will adapt to whatever changes we need to do. I know that I need to be strong for his sake. I need to be honest and say "Yes, it really DOES suck that I have to make you change the routine that you loved because your dad has passed on. But still, we just need to do it."
He is opening up a lot more this week, which is wonderful. At least he's talking, especially at bed time. He has a difficult time getting to sleep these days. He keeps saying he is "haunted by his own mind". which is filled with scary thoughts. And yes, the future IS scary. But we'll get through it.
He asked me last night if I would ever get married again. I told him "Maybe. But only if I could find someone as wonderful as Daddy, and that would take a long time to find, so you don't have to worry about that."
Jerry has always had an amazing view of the world. I need to remember that. He's not your average 9 year old. His little brain grasps some very complex concepts if they are explained properly. Jim was awesome at explaining things to Jerry. They could talk for hours about ancient Rome, castles, wars, history, computers... He never talked to Jerry like he was a little kid. He was patient and loving and engaging with him. I need to work at that because to me, Jerry is the last baby I will every have and I want to hold and protect him from the world. I need to find the balance that Jim was able to give him within myself.
And I know that I'm not alone on this journey. I know that we are surrounded by friends and family that would happily step in and teach Jerry how to hunt and fish, and tell him how his dad always brought along his sterno and a little pan and was always prepared to calm the "City Boy" in Jerry so that they could just hang out and enjoy nature.
I dunno. Maybe I'm at stage 4. I know I ought to be looking ahead. But each big holiday coming is going to feel empty. And just going to Walmart, I feel like everybody is staring at me. Like I have this gaping bleeding hole that everyone can see.
And I know I'm only feeling sorry for myself. I need to "Cowboy Up" and just go through it.
But I do insist on spending a great deal of time in the back yard this summer. Hell, I already am spending a great deal of time out there just thinking and talking to Jim.
On Jim's last day, I said "Oh, Honey! This is just too soon! You're supposed to get better so that we can have a fire in the back yard this summer."
He just looked at me and said "I'll be there."
By the way, I just found my phone. It was sitting here right in front of me all this time. I can just hear Jim now "Yup! No short Bus for My Wife, no sir!"
1) Shock, Denial
2) Pain and Guilt
3) Anger and Bargaining
4) Depression, Reflection, Loneliness
5) The Upward Turn
6) Reconstruction and Working Through
7) Acceptance and Hope
Which is the stage where I misplace my cell phone and have no idea where I may have left it? Because whichever one that is, that's where I'm at.
It's a bit absurd that they can think that they can put all people in the same box and think they will follow the above steps as they grieve.
Hell, I've been grieving for months. Torn between watching Jim fight with every fiber of his being and being so terrified of losing him, sick or well. I couldn't begin to count the number of times I stood by the basement dryer and cried my eyes out, wishing things would turn around.
And yet there were so many times during this journey that I tried to think ahead just in case we did have to go through this worst case scenario. And I was able to work out some of the strategic changes that would need to happen.
My greatest worry is having Jerry feeling displaced. I hate that I need to figure out what to do with him before school and after school until I get home from work. He's too young to stay home alone, and he's not crazy about my before school options.
I just need to keep telling myself that children are resilient. That he will adapt to whatever changes we need to do. I know that I need to be strong for his sake. I need to be honest and say "Yes, it really DOES suck that I have to make you change the routine that you loved because your dad has passed on. But still, we just need to do it."
He is opening up a lot more this week, which is wonderful. At least he's talking, especially at bed time. He has a difficult time getting to sleep these days. He keeps saying he is "haunted by his own mind". which is filled with scary thoughts. And yes, the future IS scary. But we'll get through it.
He asked me last night if I would ever get married again. I told him "Maybe. But only if I could find someone as wonderful as Daddy, and that would take a long time to find, so you don't have to worry about that."
Jerry has always had an amazing view of the world. I need to remember that. He's not your average 9 year old. His little brain grasps some very complex concepts if they are explained properly. Jim was awesome at explaining things to Jerry. They could talk for hours about ancient Rome, castles, wars, history, computers... He never talked to Jerry like he was a little kid. He was patient and loving and engaging with him. I need to work at that because to me, Jerry is the last baby I will every have and I want to hold and protect him from the world. I need to find the balance that Jim was able to give him within myself.
And I know that I'm not alone on this journey. I know that we are surrounded by friends and family that would happily step in and teach Jerry how to hunt and fish, and tell him how his dad always brought along his sterno and a little pan and was always prepared to calm the "City Boy" in Jerry so that they could just hang out and enjoy nature.
I dunno. Maybe I'm at stage 4. I know I ought to be looking ahead. But each big holiday coming is going to feel empty. And just going to Walmart, I feel like everybody is staring at me. Like I have this gaping bleeding hole that everyone can see.
And I know I'm only feeling sorry for myself. I need to "Cowboy Up" and just go through it.
But I do insist on spending a great deal of time in the back yard this summer. Hell, I already am spending a great deal of time out there just thinking and talking to Jim.
On Jim's last day, I said "Oh, Honey! This is just too soon! You're supposed to get better so that we can have a fire in the back yard this summer."
He just looked at me and said "I'll be there."
By the way, I just found my phone. It was sitting here right in front of me all this time. I can just hear Jim now "Yup! No short Bus for My Wife, no sir!"
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Such a Journey
I lost the love of my life this week to a horrific yet courageous battle with cancer.
It's going to take me ages to get through this grief, even though I know he wouldn't want me to grieve. I know he is in a better place, free of pain, feeling healthy and likely having the most wonderful time with loved ones we have lost before him. But I have so many details to wrestle with now that he is no longer in my life. My priorities are all misaligned right now. And they are SO not meshing with those of my Mother-in-law's. I'm trying to be patient with her as JImmy had asked me to be. WOW.
Regardless, I am sharing the farewell Poem that I wrote the morning of his funeral. I did borrow part of a verse from W.H. Aulden because his poem was the first thing that came to mind when my Love had passed away. I think W.H. Aulden would approve.
It's going to take me ages to get through this grief, even though I know he wouldn't want me to grieve. I know he is in a better place, free of pain, feeling healthy and likely having the most wonderful time with loved ones we have lost before him. But I have so many details to wrestle with now that he is no longer in my life. My priorities are all misaligned right now. And they are SO not meshing with those of my Mother-in-law's. I'm trying to be patient with her as JImmy had asked me to be. WOW.
Regardless, I am sharing the farewell Poem that I wrote the morning of his funeral. I did borrow part of a verse from W.H. Aulden because his poem was the first thing that came to mind when my Love had passed away. I think W.H. Aulden would approve.
We gather today, for our Jimmy has passed
His pain seemed so endless but then again fast
I'm stunned that I stand here to speak of his life
A new-found widow, the departed's wife
He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I'll never again know a love so strong.
He humbly wandered through day to day
Not even aware of the ripples he'd made
The hearts that he touched, the lives that he blessed
His family and friends who loved him best
We need to move forward and carry his love
And know that he's watching from above
He would not want us to cry for his passing
Jimmy would much rather hear us laughing
And so it is fitting, the date of this mass
A date of pranks, and fun and laughs
That we honour my love, My Darling Jim
Monday, March 22, 2010
God Bless Lowes
This past week was quite eventful.
I became a Grandmother on Thursday. Little Liam did not come into this world easily.
My sisters and I were in Madison Wednesday Night until 2 in the morning.
We simply could not leave until we were sure that Linds was okay.
So I went to work Thursday on 2 hours sleep (2 hours of just dozing actually) and then Hubby had a doctor's appointment as well. He called me from home to say that with this new medication he is on, his muscles are really locking up and he wasn't sure if he could actually get down our front stairs.
He did make it down them, but it was scary and difficult for him.
You see, last fall, before Hubby got sick, we had put up new stairs at the front of our house, but never got to put up the railings. So Hubby has been having to lean on the window ledge as he comes down the steps.
Well, it's almost spring now, and after this terror, I decided that this would be the weekend that I would do something about railings.
I looked at the railings that Hubby bought and have no clue how to assemble such a thing. However, I COULD install a simple hand rail. But I would need hardware with a very long arm on it because there is a space between the side of the house and the steps.
I started out at Menard's. Their sales people were not very helpful. All they would do is point in a direction and go back to what they were doing (acting like they were busy). I didn't find the hardware I was hoping for, so we went to Lowes.
We went to the hardware section and I explained to the sales person what I had in mind. I told him I wanted to keep it simple doing this. He showed me what they had, and it was basically the same stuff Menard's had.
He said he could order me a longer arm, but I told him I really didn't want to put this project on hold. I asked him if they had any brackets that would work for a project like mine and he showed us a few that might work. And then he lead us to the iron hand rails and started explaining how easy these were to install.
I listened to him explain and understood most of what he was saying, but then he pulled out some base posts and I was completely lost, wondering how I was going to mount those to the house. So I became frustrated and was about ready to just walk out.
I said "Thank you, but that's just a bit much for me. I need something simple that I can do TODAY to solve this problem." The look on his face somehow made me continue "You see, my husband has cancer and he is having a very hard time getting in and out of our house. I need to install railings NOW and they need to be something simple that I can do."
Frank the Sales Guy looked at me and said "Well I can come and install them on Tuesday if you like."
My Mother-in-law and I both looked at each other and then at him "You'd do that?"
Well it IS Lent. I try to do a good deed as often as I can, and It really sounds like you could use a good deed."
Then he said he would also buy the parts and I could pay him back - so that I would get his employee discount on the parts! What a guy!
He called me when he got home from work and said (like a true Wisconsinite) "Hi! This is Frank from The Lowes. Can I come see your steps?" He looked at the steps and said he is sure he could do this job in about an hour. He'll be back Tuesday.
God bless Lowes! And God bless Frank from The Lowes! There really ARE angels among us!
I became a Grandmother on Thursday. Little Liam did not come into this world easily.
My sisters and I were in Madison Wednesday Night until 2 in the morning.
We simply could not leave until we were sure that Linds was okay.
So I went to work Thursday on 2 hours sleep (2 hours of just dozing actually) and then Hubby had a doctor's appointment as well. He called me from home to say that with this new medication he is on, his muscles are really locking up and he wasn't sure if he could actually get down our front stairs.
He did make it down them, but it was scary and difficult for him.
You see, last fall, before Hubby got sick, we had put up new stairs at the front of our house, but never got to put up the railings. So Hubby has been having to lean on the window ledge as he comes down the steps.
Well, it's almost spring now, and after this terror, I decided that this would be the weekend that I would do something about railings.
I looked at the railings that Hubby bought and have no clue how to assemble such a thing. However, I COULD install a simple hand rail. But I would need hardware with a very long arm on it because there is a space between the side of the house and the steps.
I started out at Menard's. Their sales people were not very helpful. All they would do is point in a direction and go back to what they were doing (acting like they were busy). I didn't find the hardware I was hoping for, so we went to Lowes.
We went to the hardware section and I explained to the sales person what I had in mind. I told him I wanted to keep it simple doing this. He showed me what they had, and it was basically the same stuff Menard's had.
He said he could order me a longer arm, but I told him I really didn't want to put this project on hold. I asked him if they had any brackets that would work for a project like mine and he showed us a few that might work. And then he lead us to the iron hand rails and started explaining how easy these were to install.
I listened to him explain and understood most of what he was saying, but then he pulled out some base posts and I was completely lost, wondering how I was going to mount those to the house. So I became frustrated and was about ready to just walk out.
I said "Thank you, but that's just a bit much for me. I need something simple that I can do TODAY to solve this problem." The look on his face somehow made me continue "You see, my husband has cancer and he is having a very hard time getting in and out of our house. I need to install railings NOW and they need to be something simple that I can do."
Frank the Sales Guy looked at me and said "Well I can come and install them on Tuesday if you like."
My Mother-in-law and I both looked at each other and then at him "You'd do that?"
Well it IS Lent. I try to do a good deed as often as I can, and It really sounds like you could use a good deed."
Then he said he would also buy the parts and I could pay him back - so that I would get his employee discount on the parts! What a guy!
He called me when he got home from work and said (like a true Wisconsinite) "Hi! This is Frank from The Lowes. Can I come see your steps?" He looked at the steps and said he is sure he could do this job in about an hour. He'll be back Tuesday.
God bless Lowes! And God bless Frank from The Lowes! There really ARE angels among us!
Saturday, March 13, 2010
The closer I get the more confused I become!
I have spent a great deal of time thinking about what I want to do with our new bedroom.
The first step is figuring out what colour scheme to go with.
I figured the easiest way to figure out what colour scheme to go with would be to shop for a comforter first. If I find one that I really love, I can pull out background colours in the comforter for the walls of the room.
The problem? The more I look, the more confused I get!
I have looked at a million Burgundy Comforters in many patterns.
I've bookmarked about a dozen of them, but I just can't push that "Add To Cart" button.
Why? Well, one big issue I have is that I don't want the same pattern as the comforter on all of the accompanying pillows. Why can't I mix and match on Overstock.com? If I could, I would have bought one by now and be one step closer to doing our room!
I would LOVE a Burgundy Paisley Comforter. And they have a few of them. But I think I would like to go with Burgundy PLAID pillowcases instead. I'm a freak for texture when it comes to decor. If I'm gonna do it, I want it totally done up!
But I suppose I'm jumping the gun anyway. There is just so much going on these next few weeks. Tomorrow is Hubby's benefit which out to be a lot of fun. But still, I know I will need to bring tissue!
Marty and Kim said they are doing this benefit not to raise money to pay bills - they want to see the money used for something we wouldn't do normally. To fulfill a dream.
Hubby and I were talking this week about doing the back yard as well. We have been talking for years about buying one of those pavilion tents and some yard furniture. Hubby LOVES hanging out in the back yard. And I must agree that doing up the back yard would bring him much happiness. So we'll be focusing on both projects in the next few months. It will be a tight budget, but I know we can do it.
At least Hubby and I agree mostly about how we envision the back yard. Except I would probably put paver bricks beneath the tent and around the fire pit. Less mowing obstacles.
And I really wish I hadn't seen a photo of an outdoor fireplace last week. That would be SO COOL. But also SO EXPENSIVE!
Baby steps, Bren, baby steps!
The first step is figuring out what colour scheme to go with.
I figured the easiest way to figure out what colour scheme to go with would be to shop for a comforter first. If I find one that I really love, I can pull out background colours in the comforter for the walls of the room.
The problem? The more I look, the more confused I get!
I have looked at a million Burgundy Comforters in many patterns.
I've bookmarked about a dozen of them, but I just can't push that "Add To Cart" button.
Why? Well, one big issue I have is that I don't want the same pattern as the comforter on all of the accompanying pillows. Why can't I mix and match on Overstock.com? If I could, I would have bought one by now and be one step closer to doing our room!
I would LOVE a Burgundy Paisley Comforter. And they have a few of them. But I think I would like to go with Burgundy PLAID pillowcases instead. I'm a freak for texture when it comes to decor. If I'm gonna do it, I want it totally done up!
But I suppose I'm jumping the gun anyway. There is just so much going on these next few weeks. Tomorrow is Hubby's benefit which out to be a lot of fun. But still, I know I will need to bring tissue!
Marty and Kim said they are doing this benefit not to raise money to pay bills - they want to see the money used for something we wouldn't do normally. To fulfill a dream.
Hubby and I were talking this week about doing the back yard as well. We have been talking for years about buying one of those pavilion tents and some yard furniture. Hubby LOVES hanging out in the back yard. And I must agree that doing up the back yard would bring him much happiness. So we'll be focusing on both projects in the next few months. It will be a tight budget, but I know we can do it.
At least Hubby and I agree mostly about how we envision the back yard. Except I would probably put paver bricks beneath the tent and around the fire pit. Less mowing obstacles.
And I really wish I hadn't seen a photo of an outdoor fireplace last week. That would be SO COOL. But also SO EXPENSIVE!
Baby steps, Bren, baby steps!
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Youtube Hurts
One of the greatest Internet Innovations ever is Youtube.
I couldn't even count the many hours I've logged combing through videos of various subjects. It has always been fun to start with one video and then see what other offerings are listed on the same subject (by the same artist, by other artists, whatever).
But now they've "Improved" Youtube.
That is, if you consider slower-to-load videos an improvement.
If you consider having to watch a fucking Volvo Commercial before you get to watch the video that you chose to watch an improvement, go to it, cowboy!
If you like selecting one song and then being bombarded with continuous play of that very same song title repeatedly, then you might think Youtube has taken a step in the right direction.
If selecting a playlist that promises to show you over 45 songs by your favourite recording artist and finding that the link is broken is something that you look forward to, then Youtube has a real treat for you now.
Youtube was great the way it was. Why did they have to mess with it?
How could they possibly sit around a meeting table and all agree that all of the above features would be positive? What a bunch of shit!
I think I'm gonna start visiting the less popular video sites instead and simply say goodbye to Youtube. (What sucks if that right here I would normally post the video of Patti Smyth singing "Good Bye to You" but I don't want to torture anybody with a Volvo commercial!).
I couldn't even count the many hours I've logged combing through videos of various subjects. It has always been fun to start with one video and then see what other offerings are listed on the same subject (by the same artist, by other artists, whatever).
But now they've "Improved" Youtube.
That is, if you consider slower-to-load videos an improvement.
If you consider having to watch a fucking Volvo Commercial before you get to watch the video that you chose to watch an improvement, go to it, cowboy!
If you like selecting one song and then being bombarded with continuous play of that very same song title repeatedly, then you might think Youtube has taken a step in the right direction.
If selecting a playlist that promises to show you over 45 songs by your favourite recording artist and finding that the link is broken is something that you look forward to, then Youtube has a real treat for you now.
Youtube was great the way it was. Why did they have to mess with it?
How could they possibly sit around a meeting table and all agree that all of the above features would be positive? What a bunch of shit!
I think I'm gonna start visiting the less popular video sites instead and simply say goodbye to Youtube. (What sucks if that right here I would normally post the video of Patti Smyth singing "Good Bye to You" but I don't want to torture anybody with a Volvo commercial!).
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