Saturday, May 7, 2011


I have an Anxiety Disorder. I went to my doctor on the last leg of Hubby's Journey to get help. It was all too much for me to try to do it on my own. And here we are, over a year later, and I still feel the need to be on Anxiety Meds. In spite of how far I have come and how strong I have been, there are moments when I still feel like I am just spinning my wheels.

The crazy thing is, I hadn't really given much thought to my own diagnosis in the past year. It was only at my last appointment that I was informed that I suffer from an Anxiety Disorder and Borderline Depression. I find that a bit absurd since never once did I tell my doctor that I suffer from depression. It's 90% anxiety and maybe 5% Depression. Somehow in growing up, I was given the excellent tools to deal with depression and to hold onto all of the beautiful things that come to me in life.

A few months ago, I had it in my mind that maybe it was time to say goodbye to the medication. But then as the date for my checkup neared, all hell broke loose again in my life, and I decided that maybe I ought to just continue for a while. Doctor agrees with me.

Since then, I have been monitoring how I am feeling much more closely. And still, it's not so much depression. But I do still get a LOT of Mini-Anxiety Attacks. I hate it! Mostly because I know that if I discuss it with my doctor, he is going to try to add more drugs to my regimen. And what I want is LESS, not more! And at one point, he did try to add another Depression medication on top of the Anxiety meds I already take. The result? Sweet Baby Jesus! I found myself so deep in depression I couldn't stand myself! Fortunately, I was smart enough to see that it was the medications causing me to feel that way and not ME!!!

Of course, there really is no medication that is going to fully remove all of the anxiety I have. I need to cope with it and try to keep moving forward. Forward is just a really fucked up place at the moment. I am having a difficult time picturing what it needs to be.

I need to get out more. I need to be out amongst my loved ones and have more FUN!!! Life is just too damned serious these days! I need more silly. Bring it on!

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