For those of you reading my blog and have no interest in my trying to shake the monkey off my back, I apologize. Feel free to skip this entry entirely. I promise I'll try to think of something else to blog about next time. It's just that it is day #5 and it has been a tough one. I'm not sure if the cravings are physical or mental today, but I've been arguing with myself all day saying "Quit bargaining with yourself! An alcoholic cannot have just one drink. You cannot have just one puff! You've come this far and if you had a down slide now, the whole thing starts over from point A, so don't even bother trying to bargain with yourself.".
Jim, for the most part is trying to be supportive. He's been trying not to smoke around me if possible. But that really doesn't bother me so much. Actually, smelling the smoke sort of soothes the cravings a bit. But, it is the weekend. During the week, I am able to keep busy. I can't smoke at work, so days are not a problem. But the weekends are a different story.
I'm supposed to go to a wedding shower tomorrow. The Bride-to-be called and asked if I was planning to go. I was perfectly honest with her. I said "Well, I don't think I'm going to make it to the shower. We have a list of stuff to get done before your wedding, plus I am trying to quit smoking right now. Attending a wedding shower where I know only one other person in the room is not a good thing to do when you're trying to quit smoking. I need a calm environment with no stress and that would cause me stress."
She obviously didn't understand. She started saying "Well you met everybody a few weeks ago, so you'd actually know everybody there. How could that be stressful?" No, I may have met them, but that doesn't mean I want to hang out with them on a regular basis or that we have anything to carry on a conversation about. No. I'm not going and I'll be damned if I'll feel guilty about it. Wedding showers are supposed to be for immediate family or for those who cannot attend the wedding itself. And besides, they just made us attend an "Engagement Party" which was in actuality a wedding shower. So we got to feel like a couple of asses for showing up without a gift because we weren't told it was a shower!
Any way, on to the Perk portion I was aiming for ... our new kitten is very sweet. But if she was on my lap and I lit up a cigarette, she would get up and run away. She doesn't like cigarette smoke. Since I've quit smoking, she has become the loviest little kitty ever toward me! I've become her lap of choice! And after all, that's really why I adopted her to begin with. Our other cat has always been less than affectionate and I had hoped this one would be a cuddler. So that's a bonus for the non-smoking side.
I keep making lists. Reasons why I am quitting. Reasons why I should not take even a single drag of a cigarette. It's a lot of mental wrestling because I've been smoking off and on since I was 12! Being a non-smoker is not natural to me. And I tend to trust people who smoke over people who do not smoke. It's a personality thing as well. So in quitting, I need to find my non-smoking personality and hope that I actually like that person. I know I'm doing this mostly for health reasons. I know that I need to do this. But, damn it's hard!
And I know I'm doing this so that I'm not putting such a financial drain on our budget. But that doesn't really hold a lot of sand with me right now. Cigarettes are pretty much the only thing I actually buy for myself with my pay checks. There's not a whole lot that I WANT for myself. I could buy a new wardrobe, but I hate the size I am right now and refuse to commit to that size by purchasing expensive clothing. However, it is nice to know I have cash set aside for when the bottom falls out. And it often does. Emergency dental visits, Jerry getting strep... stuff happens.
In this household, "stuff happens" far too often.
I know the first two weeks are the hardest. Once I get beyond these first two weeks, the physical addiction go to the background and it's all mental from there. I need to be more positive. I can do this.
Say! I know what I can do! I'm gonna put my recent Water Buffalo Fetish to good use!
Stay tuned for further details!
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